Back in 2022, I gave myself PTSTD’s...it’s a combination of post-traumatic stress and sexually transmitted diseases. Even the crabs have flashbacks. It’s my own fault frankly, as I discovered an artist by the name of KIM PETRAS, and I dived in, without any protection whatsoever, to the filthiest EP I had ever subjected my hearing to, by the name of “Slut Pop”. It’s like, remember LimeWire? You’d download an album, only for it to be a corrupt file of questionable nature, and your laptop ended up with some incurable super AIDS? Well, this was that, but the file isn’t even corrupt, and you still ended up with the super AIDS. Even Freddy Mercury winced, and he’d been dead for 31 years. 

Kim is a German-born transgender artist who, as we found out rather unashamedly, is not afraid of controversy, and by that, I mean, she doesn't necessarily wear her heart on her sleeve, she more sort of spreads her legs in a manner that could make a Basking shark blush, perhaps wider than you can fathom, with a flashing neon sign stating free parking. After a highly successful run however, with a massively popular collaboration with SAM SMITH, and “King Of Hearts” from her 2023 album “Feed The Beast” being a legit bop, we find Kim back in the gutter for another incredulous dose of debauchery. This is “Slut Pop Miami”, and I hope you brought tissues...for your tears you degenerates! We aren’t going all Randy Marsh on this album! 

We gape, sorry, open up with “Slut Pop Reprise” and it acts as a transition of sorts, bridging the original EP into this sequel or follow up I guess...round two...sloppy seconds if you will. There’s a heavy sense of lyrical repetition and she’s proud of her oral prowess, but the chorus does admittedly house decent Euro-pop dance qualities and that alone is already an improvement on the EP. The chorus (If you can even call it that) is actually catchy, with its bassy electronica and autotune rich presentation. I’m praising autotune...make of that what you will. 

Speaking of oral, we follow this up with “Gag On It” and we have some lovely sound effects underlying an off-kilter, almost jazzy, funk-based piece of retro synth. I say sound effects, I’d be surprised if this wasn’t actual audio ripped from some Brazzers clip, but listening to it, it sounds as appealing as you could expect. I struggle gargling mouthwash, for perspective. Don’t ask questions just go with me on this one, please, I’m already a broken man. Mr Muscle loves the jobs you hate but even he wouldn’t touch this. 

Next up we have “Fuckin’ This Fuckin’ That” and fuckin’ hell...what the fuck? It houses this, almost MR. OIZO “Flat Beat” aesthetic, just slowed down, but lyrically even Samuel L Jackson is like motherfucker calm down with the fucks! He’s famously renowned for his F-bombs over his storied acting career, and Kim here is giving him a run for his money on one song. I NEED to see Samuel L Jackson perform this on that “Lip Sync Battle” show. It’s fucking awful though, honestly. 

Following on from this we have “Banana Boat” and, is it politically incorrect of me wanting to deport the bitch based on this song? Instrumentally it’s returned to a more stripped back, very generic formula of seedy, pulsing electronic simplicity, and while there are subtle hints at a CHARLI XCX influence towards the tracks climax, we’re going down on the route of sexual innuendo with an innocent piece of fruit, like some bi-curious George.  

If hell exists, I’m going there for this next one, as “Get Fucked” incorporates vocals akin to that “Satisfaction” song by BENNY BENASSI and, its less Stephen Hawking, more Stephen Horny. Dribbling from multiple places stuck in his wheelchair on Epstein Island. Sat there, blue screening out of over-stimulation. “Rim Job” is self-explanatory, we won’t be needing Trevor and Chance from Smosh to give another visual interpretation on TNTL. Lines like “He sing a ballad while I’m tossin’ his salad” are impure at their poetic finest, as the electronic beat here pulses, tickling your taint with more Charli XCX influenced pop. 

Musically speaking, “Head Head Honcho” is arguably the albums highlight, with it’s very light, airy, 80’s inspired synth-pop; it’s quite poppy and had some genuinely decent little hooks instrumentally, but you can’t take this seriously with the lyrical content. I’m not saying you HAVE to take this seriously, of course not, but you can’t help but shake your head while you try to vibe to this. Lines like “I’m a penis genius, I’m a semen Jesus” and circumcision references like “I like the taste, no poncho” can’t help but make me think, had Kim been a little older, she would have been a superstar on shows like "Eurotrash" or, "Tarrant On TV". Or Graham Norton when he was unhinged on Channel 4. 

I’m not going to cover every track here, but I have to talk about “Whale Cock” before I go and that’s a thing I never imagined typing. Tongue in cheek references to Moby Dick are one thing, but the lyric “Lookin’ for my Shamu (Free Willy!)” honestly nearly made me spit my wine out. I legit laughed out loud at that and will continue to do so every time I hear it. I have to give her credit for that, that’s genuinely funny being so out of the blue. It’s worth those couple of seconds alone, just like me in bed. Sorry to brag. 

The question here now, really, is, how are we rating this? Other than ‘R’. We established from the EP that, musically, this side of Kim Petras is entirely a separate entity from her mainstream pop career. She has released genuinely decent pop music and has the collaborations to back up her credibility, so this is purely an indulgent bit of creative, albeit filthy fun. Is it for everyone? Absolutely not, but it’s not meant to be.  

There IS improvement here instrumentally with some tracks having actual catchy elements, but the formula is for the most part, the same. While the lyrical content is again, far from vanilla, we’re met with more repetitive, light-techno pop, subtle garage elements, and retro aesthetics that plateau very early on. It’s niche, like the 4 US States where beastiality isn’t formally illegal (I’m looking at you Hawaii, New Mexico, West Virgina and Wyoming, and well done for ruining my search history looking for that). Is it worth a listen? I mean realistically no, but it’s better than REGINA HARDON. The bar wasn’t high let's be fair. In terms of slut pop, Kim Petras really is the head honcho. [2] 

You’ll know and understand by now that, I seldom take myself seriously when it comes to my written review content. Don’t get me wrong, there are albums that I do genuinely adore, and occasionally a new band, or artist will pop up that I legitimately recommend and promote wholeheartedly, but, for the most part, I prefer the challenges of the downright questionable.  

There are records by the likes of say, COREY FELDMAN or, BIG DUMB FACE that I’ve tried to be fair with, despite me needing to clean grey matter from under my fingernails, having scratched my head so hard out of confusion. But neither of these were necessarily offensive to my eardrums, despite the low scores, just, stylistically quirky in their own right; unique in many aspects, and unashamedly indulgent in the particular artistic avenues they chose to travel down.  

There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s funny when they get upset. Corey, I accept if I got it wrong when I thought you were in one of the “Sharknado” films... HOWEVER, you proudly correcting me that you were instead in an indie-flick about periods that nobody has heard of is no better. That isn’t cult status, that’s a typo. Wes Borland? I gave your Big Dumb sequel a 5 out of 10, because I was honestly on the fence. I didn’t hate it, I just explained that it’s been a long time since the first big dumb album...people tend to forget. People were going to listen to the new one and think, what in the ever-loving fuck is this?! It’s like, you expect some LIMP BIZKIT, but when you open the tin its Nan’s sewing kit. I digress. 

However, there are then those records that exist in spite of common decency...the kind of art that would wipe the smile off of even Bob Ross’ face. The kind of content that, if spoken of in a confession booth, would find the priest asking for forgiveness while hiding your body. Such records include that WILLIAM SHATNER blues album...that “Ram Ranch” album which is less yee-haw and more hell-naw, and we can’t forget KIM PETRAS. That last one ties us into today’s review...let me explain. 

If you recall, Kim’s “Slut Pop” EP was quite simply filth. I mean it delivered on its promise, being one of the sluttiest selections of sexualised dance-pop anyone has ever heard outside of a Brazzers shoot. But it has a challenger. Let me, try to introduce you to REGINA HARDON. Little is known about Regina; to the point where we don’t particularly know if she’s even actually real, with some suggesting it’s some sort of AI project. Allegedly UK based, the only biography I can find on her is riddled with nonsense and there is nothing but mystique surrounding her. This year found her releasing her debut EP; “Bucket Pussy”, as she implores the listener to “grab a raincoat and explore her anatomy”. I implore you to grab your toaster and run a bath...let’s get this over with. 

The EP opens up (I mean it’s practically gaping to be honest) with “Call Me Kim”. While contextually you could believe this to be a direct nod to Miss Petras, for opening the floodgates for such content, it’s more than likely an out-of-date reference to Kim Kardashian given some of the lyrics, and once again it’s the lyrics that grab your attention harder than Donald Trump can grab a pussy.  

It’s for the best part a track about getting dicked and making a sex tape essentially, and some of this lyricism is simply poetic. “Come in my room lets have some fun, see how many dicks you can fit in my bum” ...you going for a Guinness world record love? How many do you need up there like? “Rub my clit let's make a porno, make sure you strum it just like a banjo” ...ah yes, the banjo, the most seductive of instruments. Nothing says passionate love making like the sound of being sodomised by hillbillies. “Swallow your kids – call it child neglect” and “Murder this bussy like you’re Jeffrey Dahmer” ...make you double-take, but the following lines legitimately made me laugh out loud. “Think I queefed when you went down on me, blasted you away like Hurricane Sandy” and last but by no means least, “Find my clitoris, make me wet, pussy talk French oui oui baguette”. Words evade me I swear...we’re only one track in and I’m at a loss. We haven’t even touched on the music. It's slow, low and synth-driven with minimal clapped percussion with light high-hat dustings...it’s frankly irrelevant. Seriously, it’s ONLY background noise as she spoken-word raps away in a very flat, lifeless manner; this is awful. 

We follow up with “In The Air” and we’ve got more of a pulsing electronic aesthetic kicking things off, before the first line “Took a shit in the shower”. Marvellous. She didn’t even waffle stomp it down the plug hole, dirty bitch. The vocal delivery here is more regimented, almost bullet pointed and cold, very synthetic in presentation, and it remains this way for the track's duration in more of that spoken word style. She’s on about, doing yoga on the pole, paying for drinks with her hole, all the while at the bar with her dad? More absurd lyrics about sex and it’s really quite one-dimensional already. In the air? In the bin with this one. 

Halfway there now and we have her first single I believe; “Never Been To Mexico”. Now, I myself have never been to Mexico, but I promise you this instant, you’ll never see me writing and recording songs about riding dick because of it. I don’t care how good the tacos are. Apparently, it’s about giving sexual favours in return for being spoiled with exotic holidays and such, sort of unashamedly sugar-daddy-ish. The instrumentation again is minimal at best, some synth-effects giving off an echoed sound, with more basic high-hat tickling. More lines like “My bum is soft like an uncooked chicken breast” continue to ensure this is utterly ridiculous and it’s already not funny by this point. You’ve probably never been to Mexico because they won’t allow you into the country, on account of you likely being so incredibly infectious with a catalogue of STD’s. North America wouldn’t have seen such devastation to its populations health since Columbus landed! 

There’s nothing subtle about our next track; “Sitting On His Face”. It’s got this almost icy hip-hop / trap style beat which gives it more of an urban vibe, which does admittedly accompany Regina’s vocal delivery better, but that’s about as much of a compliment you’ll get out of me for this entire EP. Her spoken style and presentation here honestly reminds me of that LOUIS THEROUX money jiggle-jiggle rap, that’s how toneless we’re talking. Some of the lyrics here are outright nasty, like, seriously I want to jet wash my ear drums with a flamethrower. “I start to cream but its green cause I’m clapped” and “His tongue is in my sandwich; he’s having a picnic” nearly put me off my kebab. NEARLY. 

Finally, then we finish on (No I won't say that I won't give it the satisfaction), we conclude this EP with the title track, “Bucket Pussy” and we’d have been naïve to expect anything different here really, wouldn’t we? It’s another subdued, lightly synth layered, percussive piece of background noise for more eloquently delivered smut, as she proudly describes the sheer enormity of her massive apocalyptic minge. There is a slight key change to her vocals on the chorus, if you can call it that...so there IS progression...but it’s far, far too little too late for redemption at this point.  

Given the lack of variety in Regina’s monotone vocal delivery it’s easy to see where the AI accusations come from, as well as the lack of information and photos, but regardless of if she is some computer-generated project or not, this EP is about as entertaining as chemotherapy and about as welcome as Jimmy Saville hosting BBC's Children In Need. The music is an afterthought and contributes next to nothing of merit, while the flat delivery of such strumpet loaded lyrics makes you wonder, what is the point? There is the briefest period of amusement on first listen given the ridiculousness of the content, but the shock value and humour dissipates well before the end of this five-track EP. I could let a Brazilian wandering spider bite me directly on the dick and I still wouldn’t get hard for Regina here, honestly, I think we’ve found a cure for priapism. This is one of the single worst things I’ve heard in my entire life. Sure, I’ll call you Kim, but I’m calling my ass an Uber because having listened to that, I’m off to the GUM clinic. [0]

As I’ve stated plenty of times before, back in the early 2000’s, we were in the height of the Nu-Metal era. All of the freshest bands were peddling in down tuned guitars; combining elements of alternative rock and metal, with rap and hip-hop, and traces of the tail end of grunge, and while the likes of LIMP BIZKIT and LINKIN PARK were riding high with chart success and platinum albums, there was always going to be a place, for good old-fashioned rock ‘n’ roll. It’s at the very core of what we enjoy under many guises today, as rock ‘n’ roll will never truly die. By that I mean, it’s like CARRY ON films, they’re dated as fuck but, they’re fondly remembered for what they were. Nowadays we have an ever so slightly over-saturated market for modern classic rock bands but, that’s a whole different kettle of fish, and we aren’t talking about when rivers meet in the kitchen... 

Today, we celebrate another anniversary, as twenty years ago, Suffolk based spandex enthusiasts THE DARKNESS unleashed their debut album; “Permission To Land”. Permission was granted too, as they spent four weeks holding onto the coveted UK No.1 Album spot in the official charts, selling over a million copies, fending off the likes of IRON MAIDEN and DAVID BOWIE. It won them Brit Awards and made them rock ‘n’ rolls newest stars. Now, in 2023, let’s look back and shine another light on The Darkness, as we check out their new four-disk anniversary set and grant them “Permission To Land...Again”. 

Disk one kicks off with the original album plus a couple of demos, and we’re greeted with a little folklore a la “Black Shuck”. An East Anglian death omen, a devil dog of sorts, it supposedly terrorised church folk, but here it’s all very tongue-in-cheek. We’re treated to some ascending riff and drum work, very bluesy and gritty, before we’re met with front-man Justin Hawkins, and his unique and impressively high vocal range. He jovially sings of how this demon dog don’t give a fuck, as they swagger through a high energy hard rock number, with wailing guitars and a simplistic AC/DC-esque intensity. It’s a fun opener and caught many by surprise. 

Next up we have our first solid album highlight, by the brief bombardment of lead single “Get Your Hands Off My Woman”. The rolling intro of gradually built bass and cymbals, leading into a flurry of intense glam rock, with some insanely high-pitched vocal screeches. It’s got light punk rock qualities in its attitude and fuzzy production, coupled with the frenetic solo, but it’s an undeniably entertaining piece of rock. This certainly caught people's attention in the February of 2003.  

To say the album was top heavy, would be a fair assessment, as the following three tracks were also singles, and they certainly wanted to make an impression. “Growing On Me” is a twisted tale of relationship uncertainty; jumbled emotions and confusion, treating love almost like a fungus. Who’s really growing on who? Justin here is incredibly juxtaposed in what he wants, or feels, but there is definitely something there. Dan Hawkins is once again allowed to let rip on a guitar solo and this is just a band in full swing. 

Speaking of full swing, we have the bands piece de resistance... “I Believe In A Thing Called Love”. A 21st century anthem, it’s undeniably their biggest song, and the track that put them on the map. From the music video battling space aliens, to the catchy, sing-along harmonies where EVERYONE tried to reach those high notes and failed miserably. It’s got clap-along qualities and riffs not seen since the likes of QUEEN and it’s just splendid. Arguably overplayed at rock clubs and alternative DJ nights, but it’s still a fantastic, light-hearted rock number. 

The albums strongest track though, debatably, is “Love Is Only A Feeling”. The gentle nature of this sweet, emotive rock ballad is simply stunning. The guitars and overall tone ooze a mature sense of longing and heartache, and the Spanish guitars, with subtle keys merely add a level of romanticism. And that solo too! This is played with passion and a sense of honesty rarely found in rock bands. This is from the heart and it’s wonderful. 

The remaining half of the album is fine, but as previously stated it has been front-loaded. “Friday Night” has some jovial lyrics about ping-pong, badminton and gymnastics, it’s a quirky song about being nerds at school, but meeting at a dance hall and reconnecting. It’s sweet in its delivery but emphasises naïve, youthful romance. It’s like, “Friday I’m Love” by THE CURE in a catsuit and far less Goth. “Holding My Own” closes the album with another ballad, and as touching as it is, can’t compete with our previous efforts. 

The demos consist of unreleased tracks like “Out Of My Hands” and “Nothings Gonna Stop Us”, which are fine ballads and energetic numbers respectively, while “Black Shuck” gets the Vincent Price homage with a creepy intro a la “Thriller”. “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” has the elements in place but it’s slower, with more synth underlay, and is a far cry from the finished song. A couple of tracks to check out but, the band picked all of the right singles to be fair. With the added production quality of course. I believe in a thing called studio engineering.  

Some of you may be thinking, Gav…how many reviews can you shoehorn references to Covid-19 into? Well…my friend, as it happens, as many as I want. You see while a lot of you are crying over 2020 festival season being buggered into next year, I’ve got my own agenda. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy festival experiences, but I am instead honestly quite reclusive, so one of the things I personally look forward to every year is the EUROVISION SONG CONTEST.

Long-time readers will know I usually cover the show in some way shape or form, be it a run-down of finalists, covering past winner’s releases, or even just live-Tweeting the event…this year, I can’t enjoy this. This year I couldn’t look forward to sitting in front of my TV on the rare occasion I do, to watch Graham Norton sarcastically bury a plethora of countries. This year I couldn’t respectfully raise a glass of Bailey’s to Sir Terry Wogan during song 9, (Who am I kidding it’s a bottle of Jack). This year I couldn’t even get annoyed by the very political voting system I expect each and every fucking year as if it’s some shocking conspiracy. Covid-19 brought an end to all of that…and for that…I despise you, even though you’ve given me two months off work paid. 1st world problems, yes, but still. Alas…what I CAN do at least is channel my inner Jim Bowen, and have a look at who could have won, as Eurovision still at least released the 41-track CD of each countries entry. With that said…Good Evening Rotterdam! Open up, and let’s shine a light on the performers to see who gets 12 points….

​I’m going to preface this by stating that no I am NOT going to be analysing every one of the 41 entries as frankly I don’t even think lockdown is long enough for me to do that, but I will mull over my personal highlights, and as usual, the Eurovision double-album does things alphabetically, so we start with Albania. Their entry is “Fall From The Sky”, performed by ARILENA ARA and it’s one of two primary Eurovision tropes…heartfelt ballad, or fucking bonkers. This one falls into ballad category and as an opening track it’s a fairly safe one. The light piano allowing Arilena’s emotive, powerful vocals to really shine and there’s a dramatic intensity to this performance; a wonderful start. If you enjoyed that ballad however, hold on to that thought because you’re going to get sick of them over the next say, I don’t know… album? 

Armenia’s entry “Chains On You” by ATHENA MANOUKAIN tries to modernise things with some middle-eastern inspired trap and mumble rap…as far as the genre goes it’s fine, it’s the kind of thing you’d find Charlie Sloth spinning, but it’s not for me. Australia are still participating even though their initial anniversary guest spot was a few years ago now, and their entry “Don’t Break Me”, performed by MONTAIGNE is…another pop ballad. Granted the modern production and bold yet husky vocals find her somewhere between say, DUA LIPA and SIA in some ways, and it’s not bad. Onion Bhaji are up next…sorry, no, Azerbaijan are up next with “Cleopatra” performed by EFENDI and we get more middle-eastern / Egyptian musical influence, before leading into more Western pop stylistics…up until the part where they start summoning demons and shit…honestly that’s what it sounds like. Seriously, I thought my desk was going to start floating or my eyeballs were going to bleed!

Let’s see what else we have here…Belgium’s entry “Release Me” by HOOVERPHONIC in its own ways sounds like a BTEC version of BILLIE EILISH doing a Bond Theme…that’s the best and only way of describing that, you’re going to have to get way off of my back about that one. Skipping ahead now but keeping a colour scheme it’s Germany who have the next real highlight with the track “Violent Thing” by BEN DOLIC. Sadly the track is about as violent as two kittens having a pillow fight…I was expecting this year’s rock entry or something but we get another up-tempo pop offering. It’s got some brass elements and a bit of funk, and an impressive high note, resulting in quite a catchy little track, but it’s not what I was hoping for. Speaking of getting my hopes up, I ALWAYS look for Finland’s entry since LORDI won it in 2006, and this year, their entry “Looking Back” by AKSEL was…meh. It’s a pleasant indie-pop piece with ample melody, nothing like Lordi, or even SAARA AALTO from 2018; disappointing this one I’m afraid, you let me down Finland.

Next up, we have the United Kingdom…and as a Welshman, you might think I’m going to be biased here, that I’m going to sing praises to our entry as if they’re God’s gift to mainstream music…well I can assure you, that you are wrong. JAMES NEWMAN is our entry for this year with the track “My Last Breath” and I would sooner give up my last breath than have this song win the competition, despite it making things logistically easier for me to attend in 2021. Another copy and paste type of emotional male-led pop song akin to anyone from JAMES ARTHUR or SAM SMITH or any generic bollocks like that…it’s just so bloody boring! Georgia on the other hand, do somewhat peak my interest…”Take Me As I Am” by TORNIKE KIPIANI is, admittedly, lyrically fucking awful, let me make that clear, but the deep, electronic tinged moody indie tones easily mirror the styles and sounds of say, IMAGINE DRAGONS or AWOLATION etc, and this is arguably as dark as things get this year.

Skipping eagerly ahead now as we’re still only about half way here, we get Ireland and honestly…this would have been a contender for the competitions winner to break their own record, securing eight competition victories. “Story Of My Life” by LESLEY ROY gives off some serious KATY PERRY vibes…it’s a bouncy, light-hearted absolute banger of a pop anthem. Sure there’s repetition, a little instrumental monotony and some childish qualities but this is the kind of track you’d understand being all over commercial radio this Summer time…never mind the political voting, Covid-19 potentially robbed Ireland of this year’s win! Do they have any contenders however? Why in fact yes they do, and there is some STRONG competition from Iceland, and who some may say are favourites to win; DAðI FREYR with the song “Think About Things”. A synth-rich, full on disco-funk driven indie track…it is so simple in execution with the most basic of hooks, so much groove in so little effort, this is superb.

Jumping forward then we have THE ROOP with their entry “On Fire” for Lithuania…and it’s another basic pop track with pulsing electronic elements, dance-pop qualities with all of the synth laden hooks, it’s not as good as past winners such as MÅNS ZELMERLÖW for example but it’s along the same vein and personally I enjoy this, it’s arguably my favourite, despite some questionable vocals in places…and the video is as stated above; fucking bonkers. The rest of the album sadly doesn’t really throw up many particular highlights or memorable tracks, other than “Uno” by LITTLE BIG representing Russia. The “Skibidi” outfit had my attention going into the competition don’t get me wrong, but they’ve done better. Granted they’ve likely been heavily censored but still! SKIBIDI WA-PA-POW! The video does make me laugh mind…it’s all in the knees fam.

Romania come in with the track “Alcohol You” and I thought I was being offered a pint in broken English to be honest, so imagine my disappointment when ROXEN starts warbling her moody, sultry vocals…a slow, albeit grandiose track , though KORPIKLAANI drink better to be fair. Serbia rock up then with “Hasta La Vista” and the name alone has me hooked…have HURRICANE been sent from the future by Sky Net to secure Eurovision victory? In short…no…imagine someone installed LimeWire on the T-800 and the sheer amount of internet aids rendered it out of order. I’ll be very surprised if you’ll be back. Eventually then, and finally, we find ourselves at Ukraine, listening to “Solovey” by GO_A, and luckily, we conclude the album on an unorthodox yet enjoyable note. The traditional native tones of the vocal performance and woodwind elements coupled with a solid dance-pop aesthetic allow for a genuinely soothing and fun listen…I mean I haven’t got a fucking clue what they are saying but I like it!

After all of that, it really is heart-breaking to know that, given Eurovision’s six-decade legacy and tradition, none of the above entries will be able to represent their respective nations and try to put themselves in the history books. Granted some of these songs work better as a stage performance with character and gimmicks as opposed to straight up audio content, but that doesn’t detract what would have been an entertaining evening of live entertainment and multicultural acceptance of diversity. I know I rant and roast but I honestly enjoy the Eurovision Song Contest…I look forward to it every year, and hopefully it comes back all guns blazing in 2021. Where…who knows…no country has ever done two in a row from winning, so will Holland get to host again on a technicality? We can only wait and see…until then, Europe, you’re a beautiful bunch of bastards, for the record, I didn’t vote for Brexit I voted remain…and as far as Covid-19 goes…nil pois.

Few things in this world entertain me more than the idea of terrifying little children. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t belong on a register before you all jump the gun here, (I have three names, none of which are Jimmy and/or Saville) but I’m talking about when kids get legitimately scared. You’ve all seen little YouTube videos or Vines etc., where kids get startled by something or, if a parent pranks them in scary mask or whatever, and they end up bursting out crying and running away in some sort of mild panic attack, squealing and screaming…that shits funny! Well today’s band takes a more philosophical look at that entire concept; let’s catch up with NIGHTMARES FROM THE DISCOTHEQUE.

Formerly going by the moniker of MASSIVE HORSE, I discovered the Cardiff based duo of Canz Rickman and Rick Schaple many moons ago when they supported firm favourites of mine ELECTRIC SIX at a show in the Welsh capital, and I’ve been an admirer ever since. Their penchant for comedic song writing based on social commentary is genuinely entertaining, and they’ve managed to get the balance between humour and musical integrity spot on. I often reference STEEL PANTHER in these situations, where the joke and gimmick has truly worn thin, but NFTD continue to be both inspired and creative.

Regardless of whichever name they go by however, they’ve proven in the past that they can mix horror and comedy very well indeed. Whether it’s the brilliantly catchy vampire parody “She Only Comes Out At Night”, or the sexually haunting “Phantom Pregnancy”, they do enjoy dabbling in the darker aspects of entertainment, and their new track backs that up wonderfully; “Real Things To Scare Your Children”. Yes their new Halloween track see’s the pair in character, cos-playing as ‘Robert Smyth’ and ‘Marilyn Maanson’ in brilliantly tongue-in-cheek fashion, as they take us on a tour of Marilyn’s Mansion in the accompanying music video, where we aren’t subject to the hauntings of ghosts and monsters, but real life adult problems such as taxes, declined credit card payments, running out of toilet paper and all manner of horrifying scenarios. If you appreciate a spot of dark humour and want to inject a little fun into this year’s Halloween party playlist, you can find the track on Apple Music, iTunes and Spotify, the links to which are on the NFTD Facebook profile, linked below. Check out the video, and leave a comment sharing what scares YOU…personally in a sense of twisted irony, I’m afraid of horses, so I’m glad they dropped the Massive Horse name, I mean, normal sized horses are bad enough! FUCK! THAT!

Many reviews and, not just ones I’ve shared here, highlight some bands and genres by the evolution of certain scenes for example, like a specific style in or around a localised area of the world; such as the thrash metal boom of the Bay Area, San Francisco, or say, the grime movement in London…but if I were to ask you to name me the first band that comes to mind when you think about Omaha, Nebraska…the majority of you are going be double checking where the fuck Omaha even is let alone have quick fire knowledge of it’s clearly thriving music scene!

Don’t get me wrong, Omaha’s got its fair share of famous names and faces, ranging from Marlon Brando to Fred Astaire but it’s not got a rich history in alternative rock music by any means. Sure there are some bands you MAY have heard of at some point, such as 311, THE FAINT or THROUGH FIRE, but they’re hardly household names now are they? Well, to be perfectly honest, neither are today’s band…not by a long shot. Allow me to introduce to you, THE SCABBY GHOULS.

A relatively new outfit; the four-piece (Consisting of vocalist/guitarist Denise Hazard, lead guitarist Louie Hazard, bassist Alex Steffens and drummer Nathan Christensen) specialise in all-things that are horror punk, and while they’ve already supported the likes of DOYLE, their style is more akin to the cheesy entertainment of classic B-Movie horror, as opposed to the more serious sound of say THE MISFITS or early AFI. 2019 finds them releasing their debut self-titled mini-album…so let’s pick at this scab and see what oozes out of it shall we?

We open up with “Body Surfin’” and we’re immediately met with some deep bass-driven rock with an initially spoken word approach, before the frenetic punk aesthetics kick in. It goes from a weird combination of BOBBY PICKETT and THE B-52’s into some modern SIOUXSIE AND THE BANSHEES type of darkened proto-punk amalgamation. The title track backs this up further especially with the vocal performance during the near spoken-word chorus, delivering that classic spooky vibrato, though instrumentally heavier in places allowing for more of a Misfits influence to shine through.

Speaking of musical influences, a band that gets nowhere near enough credit in female punk rock is TSUNAMI BOMB and there are moments of their influence dotted throughout this album, especially their earlier works such as “The Invasion From Within” EP; Emily Whitehurst (Or Agent M as she was known) deserves more recognition as a voice in modern punk rock, and there are subtle nods to her sprinkled over this record.

As is expected with this genre this is all over and done with in a relatively short period of time, with the seven tracks presented here clocking in at just under twenty minutes, but they’ve left some gems for last it has to be said. “Road Ragin’” is a wonderfully relatable, up-tempo slab of fun, simple punk rock. The typically common / everyday situations of rushing around early in the morning, late to be where you need to be, can’t find your keys, can’t find your right clothes, hampered by slow elderly drivers; it’s a wonderfully basic concept but delivered with the right balance of frustration and comedic charm, before we round things up with “Knife Fight”. Another pacey dose of frantic punk rock; the rhythm and hook of the chorus is simply infectious, and though the brief psychotic wailing's of the guitar come across as spasmodic, it’s still a fine climax.

While creatively and stylistically they aren’t as volatile as MURDERDOLLS for example, and nowhere near the bleak, black sense of humour of early TYPE-O-NEGATIVE, but they do have a certain quirkiness to them, which should appeal to a variety of post-punks, alt. rockers and Goth’s alike. There wasn’t a LOT of horror presented here truthfully, other than some zombies and a pun-heavy ‘Nightmare On Elm Street number’, but its early days yet for these Nebraska new-comers…just keep picking at that scab; their nostalgic blend of rock and cartoonish retro horror themes will bleed out eventually. [5]

We’re going local again for this installment of the Wreckord Collection, as we turn our attention to COLIN JAMES MACFARLANE. Not just a cog in the local independent music scene, he is a Jack of all trades and generally more of an all-round entertainer, dabbling in solo work, fronting the band BREAKDOWN FACE, conducting interviews with other bands, making gig diaries, dabbling in hip-hop/rap songs (Consider him a dairy free Vanilla Ice) and making comedy skit videos on his YouTube channel. Here, in his own words, he talks us through some of the records that inspired him and had the biggest impact on him creatively…

This is not, the greatest review in the world; no…this is just a tribute…a tribute to a once mighty beast…whose powers have been depleted faster than Superman getting pegged with a Kryptonite dildo. Yes we’re here today to remember TENACIOUS D. Back in 2001, the comedy rock duo of Jack Black and Kyle Gass would become one of the greatest cult phenomenon’s of modern alternative music, with tracks like “Wonderboy”, “Tribute” of course and not forgetting “Fuck Her Gently”, not only bridging the gap between music and comedy, but doing it so effectively. EVERYONE would sing along to these, and the sketches that littered their self-titled debut were genuinely amusing, but alas, the laughter wouldn’t last too long…

Their follow up project “The Pick Of Destiny” (Both an album and a motion picture) didn’t do so well, (At the box-office especially) losing money and receiving mixed to negative reviews; it seemed like they’d undertaken too much…perhaps their fifteen minutes was already up? The joke seemingly already wearing thin…however to the surprise of many, they returned in 2012 with the attempted come-back album “Rise Of The Fenix”. A shot at redemption, it did get them nominated for a Grammy award for Best Comedy Album, but the quality simply wasn’t matching up to their debut and although they’d grown as musicians, they’d faded somewhat as entertainers. This leads us to 2018 and again, surprisingly, we find The D releasing another studio album’ “Post-Apocalypto”. Another concept here, it coincides with their own mini animated YouTube series (I use the term animated very loosely) following their struggles and adventures in, you guessed it, a post-apocalyptic world…but is it worth the listen?

We open up with the “Post-Apocalypto Theme” and as it acts as the animations theme song it really is only a brief jingle at best…a pacey flurry of acoustic guitar and percussion backing Jack Black’s trademark dramatic vocal. It’s up-tempo, catchy enough and easy listening,  ironically ending with the line ‘Tenacious D has got to shine’…almost acknowledging previous failures. Sadly, not only are any further ACTUAL musical highlights so few and far between, over an album consisting of TWENTY ONE tracks bare in mind…but those twenty one tracks only have a 30 MINUTE run time…this really isn’t boding well. The tracks (If you can call them that honestly) that do manage to stand out are “Hope”, which delivers a sweet little acoustic ditty that transitions its way into a power ballad of sorts…there’s “Making Love” which can be looked upon in one of two ways; either it’s a spiritual successor to “Fuck Her Gently” or they’ve simply tried to emulate themselves with shamefully recycled ideas (STEEL PANTHER much?).

The random references to Elon Musk and Richard Branson during “Take Us Into Space” push for a little bit of fourth-wall breaking but as a track it’s typical as it comes; it’s accompanying skit “I’ve Got To Go” no more than standard D shenanigans really. Finding further musical points of worth is difficult…”Daddy Ding Dong” opts for a more metal inspired piece, Jack Black does love a hard rocking riff but it’s nothing shy of ridiculous. There’s sketches about sex with cave women, a random, pro-KKK piece featuring an anti-gay march, there’s a clichéd German character, all tied in to some Donald Trump references…I mean what the ACTUAL fuck? ”JB JR Rap” has a deep, dark hip-hop synth beat and some auto tune which is probably the most interesting thing musically here which says A LOT, before we end up finishing rocking out on “Woman Time” and the reprise of the theme song. Ultimately, as an accompanying album, this really falls flat and feels more like a brief collection of sound bites AT BEST…if you’re going to invest any time in new Tenacious D material, stick to the animation on YouTube, as this really fails on record. As audio content, it not only feels rushed together, but it misses the mark entirely regarding humour…there’s nothing wrong with being crude and childish occasionally, but this is just cringe-worthy, I sadly believe the D in their name now simply stands for Done. [1]

​GIRL! I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO A GAY BAR! Well, to be honest, actually I don’t, BUT, I DO however want to take you on a journey, to remind you about one of the most underrated, hardest working bands on the planet; ELECTRIC SIX. I preach this practically every year, and that’s simply because, whether you’re aware of it or not, Electric Six have practically released a new album EVERY FUCKING YEAR since “Fire”, and frankly not enough people take notice!

People may naturally assume that, to be so prolific creatively, to produce a full album a year and complete all their touring commitments, it really must be a case of quantity over quality? And sure over the years, the band have dropped a lot of their overtly blatant ridiculousness, but having spoken to front man Dick Valentine, it’s interesting to learn that, despite him being very much the face and voice of the band, it’s very much a group effort. Each member of the band in fact writes three or four songs for each album cycle, resulting in a lot of time being saved and more importantly, a rich tapestry of differing styles and influences shaping each and every record. With that in mind, we’re about to delve into album number FOURTEEN; “Bride Of The Devil”…let’s get hitched…

With Dick’s typically dry-humour we open up with “The Opener” and I do like it when things get to the point it has to be said…with its subtle distortion and sludgy riffs, accompanied by plenty of vocal wails, plus Dick favouring his gritty, higher pitched delivery here, almost channelling an AC/DC-esque style, it’s an intense but enjoyable start. This actually carries through the first half of the album with some truly solid cuts from E6, keeping momentum going at a steady but satisfying pace…tracks like “You’re Toast” musically slowing things down for the most part, opting for a semi-blues rock offering, with Dick’s vocals full of piss and vinegar, to a degree akin to something CLUTCH might produce, which is always a good thing, while “(It Gets A Little) Jumpy” is a quaint little acoustic number, full of smooth melody and Summery hooks; it really is a lovely little track.

The second half of the album however….sadly; doesn’t match the same quality. It exceeds it! It honestly just gets stronger as it goes on and seriously, the band is on top form here…”Hades Ladies” saunters in with its gravelly rock ‘n’ roll vibe and deep groove; full of swagger and confidence…the title track utilises more of a simplistic synth-based hook layered within some classic rock influences, especially the brief solo which would easily please fans of THE DARKNESS for example, before album highlight “Witches Burning” delivers some classic E6 with its bluesy guitar licks and quality riff-work with an anthemic chorus…this is quality.

The album DOES drop the ball slightly with its closing track “The Worm In The Wood” as the sudden drop in tempo isn’t so much of a come-down as a let-down, with the latter half of the album getting you pumped up, hoping for an explosive climax. The tinny almost tropical guitar’s giving off an almost CHRIS ISAAK vibe which is nice, don’t get me wrong, but it can’t help but feel ever so slightly anti-climactic. Overall however that’s a minor annoyance that doesn’t take away from what is admittedly a superb album…fourteen albums in and Electric Six are still as consistent and reliable as ever, on this instance maybe even more so, as it’s one of their strongest collection of songs in a few years now…if I may paraphrase the great BILLY IDOL…it’s a nice day for a white wedding; it’s a nice day to, start listening to Electric Six again. [8]

Over the years many an artist, in rock ‘n’ roll especially, have used shock tactics or elaborate theatrics to help get themselves noticed. It’s all part of the image; the horror and excess that (Music aside) helps separate rock and metal from other genres. Many have succeeded throughout history…ALICE COOPER arguably helped start it all with his stage production going WAY back, you have the likes of ROB ZOMBIE bridging media formats by branching out into some intensely brutal horror movies…though today however we’re focusing not so much on artistic theatre, but, more of a macabre pantomime…yes we’re going to be looking at LORDI. Now instantly recognisable, their whole gimmick is based around the demonic monster costumes designed by front man Mr Lordi (Real name Tomi Petteri Putaansuu) but, despite being around for some time now, it wasn’t until that fateful and unforgettable night where they WON the Eurovision Song Contest for Finland back in 2006.

As unreal as that sounds, “Hard Rock Hallelujah” catapulted them into a mainstream audience, and their tongue-in-cheek style or horror metal has won them over a legion of fans, and they now have an impressive back catalogue of albums. Earlier this year they released their ninth; the wonderfully titled “Sexorcism”, supposedly their most controversial release to date…somebody better call Father Merrin, I think Jesus has done WAY more than fuck this lot…

We begin with the title track and it does open up like a cut from a horror movie score; really dramatic sounding and in preparation for a jump scare or intense fight between good and evil. The simple but ominous piano soon gives way though to some decent riffs and a surging hard-rock aesthetic and musically this is fine; it’s got a decent melodic hook for  a chorus too which, given, Mr Lordi’s honestly awful gravelled vocals, is quite impressive….it’s been produced really well up in Finnvox. This is far from a regular exorcism however (Is there even such a thing?) as he sings of FINGERING the demon out of her…steady on guys this isn’t the 19th century, you can’t be palming shit like this off like hysteria…did she even consent? This gimmick is backed up later by the interlude “Scg9: The Documented Phenomenon”, which essentially parodies THAT Exorcist scene with only slightly re-arranged verbiage. I really don’t know if this is a tribute or a parody…

The ridiculousness doesn’t stop there however as thematically following on from the title track we’re gifted with “The Beast Is Yet To Cum”...a nice play on words there Sir but if anything you’re promoting the fact that your own fingering skills are sub-par at best. Y’all motherfuckers need STEEL PANTHER and that’s one thing I thought I’d never say! In terms of musical highlights, it’s actually quite hard to separate any of the 13 tracks offered this time around. “Naked In My Cellar” has some more catchy synth elements and initially opens up like an early NIGHTWISH number before it delves into this rumbling, bass-heavy riff, and it’s about as clean as Mr Lordi’s vocals can probably get? It’s got a great pop chorus really…”Polterchrist” is another amusingly named track which starts off with some chilling female choir-esque vocals and more piano, before descending into a chugging, classic-metal type affair.

We eventually close out with “Sodomesticated Animal” which aside from its admittedly good name and a decent solo doesn’t inspire a great deal, while “Haunting Season” rounds things up with a generic symphonic metal effort. The trouble with this album is, everything seems to last forever, all of the songs, despite their comedic quirks, sadly drag a little and overstay their welcome to a degree. Less Lordi, more of a thick load quite frankly…a good release for Lordi perhaps like but, not something you want in your ears…the power of Christ compels you to NOT listen to this album. [4]

In the past I’ve touched upon how some professional wrestlers or, WWE Superstars, embark on musical careers outside of the squared circle; we can all agree that Chris Jericho is doing remarkably well with FOZZY (In all fairness Chris Jericho does remarkably well at everything he’s the motherfucking GOAT), while Jeff Hardy prefers the underground artistic freedom of expression with his band PEROXWHY?GEN (The presentation of that word still makes me feel like I’ve been driven through a Spanish announce table). However it’s rare when you can say that the WWE have fully invested in a character within kayfabe, to the point that they personally back a musical project to further strengthen a gimmick on screen. John Cena was given this treatment when he dropped his hip-hop album “You Can’t See Me” back in 2005 but, he was THE man, he was the one getting the push so it was to be expected…so it speaks volumes for how the company see’s ELIAS in 2018.

Elias (Real name Jeffrey Scuillo) has been part of WWE since joining NXT in 2014 and over the past couple of years has been developing his ‘drifter’ character, slowly but surely moving up to his current position on the Raw roster. More famed for his promo segments than his in-ring accomplishments, he can always be found with his guitar in hand attempting to sing to the crowd in each city visited, often in a degrading manner with a heel persona, before usually being interrupted by other superstars. The trouble is, despite being a heel in theory, his character and dry, sarcastic humour have won over the vast majority of the audience and he’s more often than not cheered, with the crowd fully aware that WWE now stands for ‘Walk With Elias’…in fact, he’s gotten so over, that WWE have backed him to the extent that they’ve allowed him to record a genuine EP, so with that… silence your cellphones, hold your applause and shut your mouths as we “Walk With Elias”…

The EP opens up with the elegantly titled “The Ballad Of Every Town I’ve Ever Been To” and it’s this track that’s essentially the foundation of Elias’ character on screen. A play on old songs such as “I’ve Been Everywhere” by GEOFF MACK made famous by LUCKY STARR, also later JOHNNY CASH, it highlight’s every town he’s had the misfortune of performing in, twisting the style to fit his heelish persona, but retaining the old acoustic, country charm. Rich in both melody and melancholy, all the while mocking each town, it makes for some classic cheap heat; wonderfully delivered. “Elias’ Words” utilises a similar approach with the country-blues inspired feel, really paying homage to the original southern style with his spoken word lyrical delivery, heavy on smarmy self-importance and portraying his character brilliantly.

“Nothing I Can’t Do” switches things up with a sombre piano ballad showcasing he’s far from a one-trick pony and has more moves than John Cena…lyrically self-aware, he displays a subtle arrogance to further that heel heat as he sings that he wrote this song on a piano, just to show you that he could, because he’s better than you, there is literally nothing he can’t do and with the exception of only tone, it’s a great comedy song, before closing track “Walk With Me” returns to the acoustic, blues style complete with husky drawl and emotive guitar solo channelling the likes of Orbison and Clapton. As far as anticipated releases go it’s safe to say that, this isn’t up there on the list, but for fans of WWE and Elias especially this is a great addition for collectors and also a superb extension of Elias’ character…it’s not ground-breaking musically but it does its job perfectly and credit to Elias’ and WWE especially for making this happen, such is their faith in him with the product. Forget walking with Elias, WWE have taken the gimmick and ran with it and it’s paying off, you just wish he was mocking your town too. [6]

If you’ve at all followed the UK’s alternative scene over the past say, ten years or so, then no doubt you will have at some point stumbled upon the work of Scott Lee Andrews. The wild Welshman originally found minor fame with mid-2000’s post-hardcore rhythm thieves MIDASUNO, before forming Cardiff-based chainsaw loving noise cartel EXIT_INTERNATIONAL, but, more recently, and arguably most notably, his collaboration with GINGER WILDHEART for the third installment of the darkly psychotic project MUTATION. Very prolific and reliable in underground UK music circles, Scott has always been about the intensity, the invigorating sense of finding pleasure in noise and chaos and here we find him working on yet another project to quench his own thirst for the unorthodox. Allow me to introduce to you JAWS OF DEAF and the EP “Delicious Discomfort”…6 tracks hand picked out of around 50 that Scott’s been working on, as he prepares to drop a full length album. Now settle down and get uncomfortable as we check it out…

We open up with “Bait & Switch” which at little over 2-minutes long is the shortest track on offer here and Scott wastes no time delving into his frantic, raucous, thrashy punk roots with an absolute bombardment of messy riffs and demented screeching’s. In his own words; “I really haven’t got a clue what it means”…and that’s partly the fun of it, sometimes noise for noise’ sake is therapeutic. We follow this up with the wonderfully titled “Porno Without The Fucking” and as ridiculous as the statement is, it’s no surprise to learn it came from a YouTube comment that Scott read…intended as a derogatory slur, it’s full of oxymoronic similes, riddled with daft humour, but also a deeper meaning of how the very medication that’s meant to help you can strip you of your identity, resulting in a creative catch-22…another interesting and ultimately fun track.

“Cupid Stunts” is another brilliantly titled self-depreciating effort, with Scott using bleak humour and a wry smile as he sings with a jolly despair about his questionable decisions in life; full of melody and some surprising vocal harmonies it channels the likes of WEEZER in its overall tone and delivery, even down to the climatic key change and its possibly as accessible as you’re likely to find him on any record. Having said that, there’s also “Californian Frown” to take into account which I’ll be honest, initially reminded me of the credits sequence from “Bottom” but that’s something for another time. A bass-driven affair with wacky vocal delivery (Featuring guest vocalist Givvi Flynn), finding itself stuck between being musically designed for Exit_International but lyrically leaning towards Mutation, resulting in a quirky little, edgy indie-rock number. The final two tracks; “An Alone Wolf” is ripped straight out of “Ash Vs. The Evil Dead”; an animalistic take on grunge, before closing track “The World Looks Better From Behind” is an intentionally misogynistic play on words, but also utilises hidden depth with the idea of hindsight and nostalgia. Musically exploratory, dabbling in brass instrumentation for extra character, the drawl of Scott’s vocal harbors elements of Matt Bellamy from MUSE; elongating each note as the track is stretched towards its dying moments.

All in all despite being just six tracks in length, it more or less caters for everyone if you’re familiar with any of Scott’s previous work; it’s got the tumultuous punk-inspired tones of old, it’s got groove-heavy song writing at its core but it also retains a level of darkness brought on by his collaborations with Ginger…it’s not polished, it’s not fucking meant to be; it’s just raw, and rowdy and fun…he meant delicious discomfort quite literally. [7]

I mentioned in my last post that I’d been contacted by a Stencil Magazine representative by the name of Andrew, and that he’d forwarded me a list of bands to check out. What struck me as interesting when I went through the list was that, despite being a UK based PR, the bands not only represented a wide variety of genres but a pretty varied range of nationalities too! Last time we found ourselves over in the US for a band called RUSTY SHIPP, this time we’re still across the pond but moving further north into Canada; allow me to introduce you SOUND DROWN. They too formed in 2014 after founding member Brandon Wiseman (Bass/lead vocals) went through a sort of, recruitment process for the songs he’d written, eventually settling on Drew Neathway (Drums), Nick Ryan (Lead guitar/vocals) and Justin Goss (Guitar/vocals). Initially a covers band while they found their feet, they soon began work on Wiseman’s material and back last year they released their debut EP; “Dino Droppings”…in memory of the late, great Ryan Dunn…let’s go poo diving…

We get the EP underway with “Living Song” and for all intents and purposes it’s a motivational speech; stand up and follow your dreams, live a little, don’t waste opportunities etc. The opening guitar tone is very much up-beat and firmly embedded within a pop-rock pigeonhole, with its melodic structure, but there also subtle breakdowns backing the track giving it an ever so slightly heavier edge, though its climax has a feeling of, they didn’t actually know how to round it up…it just plays on awkwardly, bringing it down ever so slightly. “(Bittersweet) Fault Line” follows up and again we’re met with that standard alternative pop-punk vibe, think NEW FOUND GLORY etc., it’s very much by numbers here in terms of tone and structure, not to say that it’s unpleasant by any means but, it is what it is. An interesting geographical take on relationships, likening the fragility and temperamental aspects of love to earthquakes…it’s…different.

The title track, the shortest piece here is an intense flurry of punk rock that’s best described as finding itself somewhere between BAD RELIGION and NOFX…it’s short and sharp and the solo is pretty damn infectious too by all accounts despite its blink and you’ll miss it feel; it’s fun and frankly you wish there were more of it! Speaking of fun…”M.E.G.I.A.L” is up next and initially you just know it stands for something but dread to think what…so when it turns out to mean “My ex-girlfriend is a lesbian” your inner-child can’t help but chuckle. The track itself is an acoustic gem and easily the EP’s highlight, you want to feel sorry for him but, really you have to point and laugh when he says “She took off with a she-Hulk”, it’s very self-depreciating, especially the line about the strap-on...absolutely brilliant. There’s no sympathy here really, no matter how unconventionally pretty the she-Hulk may or not be. The remaining tracks “Runaway” and “That One Song” are fine; the former returning to their pacey pop-punk formula, the latter having more of a progressive shoe-gaze tone to close the EP in dramatic fashion, but let’s be honest we’re still recovering from the she-Hulk…they peaked early I’m sorry. Pop-punk fans should embrace these as ones to watch as they have plenty of potential, but even in these formative years they’re clearly able to expand into other genres without creating a mess. They’d be more than welcome at SlamDunk, and someone should make that happen. [7]

Rovio Entertainment, the creators behind the hugely popular mobile app game ANGRY BIRDS have teamed up with the one and only IRON MAIDEN this Halloween, bringing you an exclusive gaming experience! Yes, Maiden's world famous mascot and heavy metal icon in his own right; EDDIE will become a playable character in "Angry Birds Evolution" as "Eddie The Bird"...a tribute to the character.

Miika Tams, VP Games and Product Lead for the project states "Our team is filled with massive Iron Maiden fans and Eddie was both our first choice and a natural fit in Angry Birds Evolution...It's about time his status as a true rock icon was celebrated and we know that fans will love seeing Eddie The Bird raise hell on Bird Island!"

Available for two weeks as a character event celebrating Halloween from October 18th, players who successfully recruit Eddie will get to keep him permanently as a member of their Angry Birds team...Llexi Leon, Interactive Creative Director at Phantom Music Management went on to say; "When you get a call from Rovio, one of the biggest entertainment companies in the world confessing that they are Maiden fans and want to celebrate Halloween with Eddie, you just have to take notice. They have outdone themselves with this incredible tribute to Maiden and the opportunity to share the bands music with their millions of players around the world. I really can't wait to play him and skittle those pigs!"

The island in-game will become an exclusively themed heavy metal oasis with a selection of Eddie evolution's to choose from, based on classic Maiden album art work, as well as featuring 100+ new colourful characters. The game is available as a free download from the iTunes App store as well as Google Play. "Can I Play With Madness?" Bruce Dickinson once asked...probably, but you can definitely play Angry Birds. Download it now.

People do this on purpose I swear...they decide to form bands with the sole intention of being so utterly terrible it hurts...I'm not exaggerating, I would rather listen to a rap battle between Prof. Stephen Hawking and Microsoft Sam in real time...speaking of rap, I would rather personally fund a new STEVE-O album...I would rather name my first born daughter ROMAN REIGNS than have to go through any more of this, but, alas...it is my duty to you all to share such a monstrosity.

​Allow me to elaborate; I was sent an email containing a link to an EP, with a request to check it out and review, non-PR related, a personal email. The person in question stated that they were a casual reader of this blog, and wanted to know what I thought about their "comedy / punk" band; BANKRUPT PUG. Alarm bells are already ringing in my ears, are they baiting me?...With influences including "Music, sound effects, cartoons, alcohol and pugs", they created (they didn't write this EP, they created it, like a fucking FRANKENSTEIN monster) the "I Can't Believe I Ate The Whole Thing" EP....did I spare myself the loss of sanity and send this to the spam folder? Of course not...I wasted ten minutes of my sense of hearing only to find myself raging harder than a Red Gyarados flipping it's shit in Johto...here's what I found.

We open up with "Adopt / Adapt / Improve" and all I can say is that initially, it begins with a semi-retro vibe with it's guitar tone taking you back to the likes of THE B52's or MINUTEMEN...musically it's straightforward enough, it's upbeat, generally quirky but vocally, Pablo or Tetley, whichever one it is (Yes, they go by these names, other members include Captain Zilchio, Vlad The Creator and wait for it...Strangey McStrange) it sounds awful. There's barely any tune vocally, it's flat and, lyrics that include two boys burning a bag of dogs is just...what?! It get's worse...we follow up with "Why So Seagullrious?" (I'm not even joking) and it is beyond ridiculous. It's a softer song, it's got subtle keyboard elements that aid with the tracks melody and really it falls under pop-rock more than punk, if you took out all the words this could actually make a decent demo track for a proper band...but those words...I thought I'd heard it all but I was clearly wrong. If you spend three minutes singing about wanting to cause physical harm to a seagull while trying to feed ducks, by sticking dynamite up it's arse, you need help, you really do. I get that this is comedy punk but use that term loosely, very loosely. I hope a seagull shit's in his chips for this song...

What's next? "Golf, Strangling Animals & Masturbation"...OK you know what, I'm not even going there. It's getting to a point now where I'm unsure if I should stop writing this review right now and contact someone...like, the police, or, the RSPCA or, Jeremy Kyle, anyone! I'M going to need counselling let alone this lot! Finally we finish up then on "Marshmallow" and it's another two minutes of up-beat punk-inspired noise akin to our first track and really it's nothing special, ending rather abruptly too which quite frankly is the most merciful thing they've done here...the line "sweat out your sickness" closing the song and really, they should take their own advice, I mean, who recorded this?! Now, I can appreciate artistic merit, freedom of creativity, alternative comedy, freedom of expression and all of that, and even more so I do appreciate being personally contacted and requested, but if you're going to call yourself a comedy act please make sure there's something worth laughing at that ISN'T the fact you submitted this EP, unless, that was the whole point all along? There are other bands from Wales that utilize a comedy twist, NIGHTMARES FROM THE DISCOTHEQUE do it so much better and even BREAKDOWN FACE have found their purposefully low-quality niche...this on the other hand is just bad. Bankrupt is least of their worries, I'd put this pug down myself...[1]