You’re probably very well aware by now that I’ll tackle damn near anything on this blog…be it the recent return of the Eurovision Song Contest; with its multifaceted line-up, ranging everywhere between brilliantly bonkers to down-right dreadful, to even tackling things such as video-game crossover’s between IRON MAIDEN and ANGRY BIRDS…essentially I enjoy something a bit different now and again; my point being? Well today we’re looking at something incredibly bloody different as today we’ll be listening to (not looking at) DITA VON TEESE. That’s right; Dita (Real name Heather Renée Sweet) is mainly famous for tastefully wearing very little as she’s probably the world’s most recognizable burlesque dancer / model, but 2018 sees her swapping the corset’s for the recording studio.

She’s no stranger to music per se, for not only was she briefly married to none other than MARILYN MANSON of all people, appearing in a couple of his music videos in the early 2000’s, as well as for other artists, but she also appeared on the aforementioned Eurovision back in 2009 assisting with Germany’s performance on stage. Now we find her releasing her own self-titled record under the banner of “Dita Von Teese”…written by French songwriter and multi-instrumentalist Sébastien Tellier, let’s see what she’s learnt along the way…

We open up with “Sparkling Rain” and what we’re given is very much akin to the ambient sounds of a dreamscape; the soft synths and gentle electronic pop allowing for a very mellow, fluid listen…coupled with Dita’s very delicate hushed vocals, the song sparkles in its own right as it’s so light and bubbly, perfectly matching the references to Champagne thematically. It’s an interesting start. We follow up with lead single “Rendez-Vous” and the overall tone hasn’t really changed whatsoever, although we’re given a slightly subtle tinny, almost Caribbean inspired feeling to proceedings, tying in with the exotic theme lyrically. Slightly sultry, she sings of erotic romance and forbidden fruit, although some of lyrics are delivered awkwardly truth be told.

“La Vie Est Un Jeu” reveals to us the albums underlying inspirations as it’s one of a few tracks that incorporates French…again, the overall tone of the song is the same but it’s got more of a shoe-gaze feel to proceedings; it’s incredibly relaxed with its whistling and soft piano, but the fake laugh is a bit cringe-worthy and sadly, the bulk of this album is on the verge of being very copy and paste. While “Fevers And Candies” does at least have a little more go to it in terms of momentum via the chorus’ simple hook, a lot of the album is teetering dangerously on lifeless. “Dangerous Guy” has some decent rhythm going for it courtesy of some funk-driven percussion, and “Porcelain” does include Tellier himself as a vocalist which adds extra character, but the album is so stripped back for the most part it fails to really motivate repeat listens. Fair play to Dita for wanting to try something new, but this is quite acquired taste…so acquired in fact that it only charted in France and Belgium…and even then only reaching 119 and 140 respectively…Dita Von Teese? Dita Von PLEASE…stick to writhing around half naked in giant Martini glasses you’re much, much better at that. [3]

Ah West Bromwich…while it may not have exactly been a year to remember for your beloved Albion, (It’s a football thing…they came bottom of the Premier League because they SUCK!) one thing you can always be proud of, is that you spawned one of the biggest and most influential metal bands of all time; JUDAS PRIEST. Having formed way back in 1969, the band went on to pioneer not only how bands approached playing heavy metal, but also the way metal as an entire image was perceived, introducing the now-iconic look of spiked / studded leather accessories, one that we now mostly view as a cliché. Despite their advancing years, and the likes of their fellow Brummie’s BLACK SABBATH calling it a day, Priest are still going hard and 2018 sees them release album 18; “Firepower”…but are they all guns blazing? Let’s find out…

We kick off with the title track and to be fair there isn’t a lot that can be said without going through the motions really, and that sums up the song itself. We’ve ticked all the boxes here regarding the traditional duel-guitar onslaught with pummelling drums, coupled with Rob Halford’s distinctive vocals, with a slick solo or two thrown in for good measure…it’s a decent track, a proper metal track and pretty much Priest by numbers really…or, well, ANY classic metal band by numbers for that matter. Follow up track “Lightning Strike” is predominantly more of the same really…there is a decent rhythm flowing through the track despite the gruff, often blunt delivery of Halford’s vocals in places but it’s still pretty run of the mill.

It’s not all a barrage of beige however…”Never The Heroes” utilises a strong, groove-heavy intro that builds up wonderfully into a solid, blue’s-based track that is brilliant in its simplicity, and the chorus is spot on; nothing extravagant but undeniably catchy…this is a clear album highlight. “No Surrender” is a short, sharp dose of classic metal but has ample, melodic guitar harmonies  and effective hooks during its brief run-time, resulting in another enjoyable listen, while closing track “Sea Of Red” initially swaps the aggression for subtle acoustics, as we end on a blissful power ballad. It gradually picks up the pace; even incorporating symphonic elements, but the change in overall style is a welcome swap indeed and a strong finale.

Elsewhere, well, I’m afraid over the 14 tracks on offer, the majority of it is just a little bit boring. “Evil Never Dies” is amusingly fitting as you feel that way about the song itself; it just methodically plods along  for what seems like forever, it has like, one hook pre-chorus and that’s about it. “Flame Thrower” despite its name really doesn’t ignite much interest…and the chorus sounds off vocally, it just doesn’t sound right. “Guardians” beautifully played piano intro sounds absolutely noble and heroic, but it’s just an interlude and ultimately disappoints, leading into “Rising From Ruins” which is consistent but generic at best and it’s a shame. For a band approaching their 50th anniversary it’s pretty impressive don’t get me wrong, they still play with passion and Rob Halford can still hold his own vocally, credit where it’s due, they’re far more entertaining that fellow dinosaurs THE ROLLING STONES…but just like fellow Brit metal veterans SAXON they’re running the risk of merely going through the motions now. As far as traditional metal goes, it’s fine, but like most branded clothing, you’re only paying for the name on the cover of this record. [6]

Back in 2005, a little know indie band by the name of EDITORS burst into the spotlight with their debut album “The Back Room” and it just the beginning of what was to become a new era in British guitar music. Artists such as STEREOPHONICS and OASIS were still riding high in the charts but there was fresh meat on the table and Birmingham’s Editors were among the new specials on the British scene. Ever since they’ve scored numerous number 1 albums and have gone multi-platinum, with their modern blend of indie and throwback post-punk a-la JOY DIVISION and ECHO & THE BUNNYMEN, and 2018 sees them return, wind-milling their way through a sea of mainstream mediocrity via album number six; “Violence”…let’s check it out…

The album opens up with “Cold” and we’re met with a slow, subdued introduction consisting of light, repeated keys and Tom Smith’s distinct deeply melodic vocals, extra layered piano and simple percussion take the song out of first gear but thematically it’s appropriately named; very mellow, speaking of loneliness in life’s bigger picture, time will be up for us all in the end, let’s be lonely together, ghost along in life…and there’s a beauty in his melancholy that once again they’ve perfected; a good start here. “Hallelujah (So Low)” picks up next and again we’re given a predominantly steady opening; continuing with more synth, coupled with a hushed delicacy to Tom’s vocal delivery…before gang-vocals lead into an eruption of hard-hitting riffs and crunching guitar. Very much a song of light and dark but it’s balanced brilliantly.

The title track maintains the consistency going forward with its laid back, ambient approach to electronic pop music and is easily an album highlight…a song of disparity, it highlights humanities struggle to coexist in ways, growing further apart, with lyrics like “The last train will pull you through, at night the war still comes to you, it makes it harder to join the dots, the river gets wider in front of us”…the violence itself referring to the state of the world, the track then culminating in a frenzied climax, summing up the growing tensions worldwide and it’s been wonderfully done. Further highlights include lead single “Magazine” which is full of hooks and emotive vocals, as well as some wonderfully gritty guitar segments resulting in a highly enjoyable listen overall.

At just nine tracks long, there’s very little room for negativity here which is something I wish more artists would embrace when compiling track listings for finished records, but if I had to pick anything to bring this album down, it would be “No Sound But The Wind”…a delicate piano ballad and in its own right, it’s a sweet, sombre listen…BUT…it’s a re-recorded track that was once used on the soundtrack to “Twilight: New Moon” and to that I say “FUCK THAT!”…I don’t want to promote any shiny, sparkly vampire shit here! Keeping within the same tone however, the album closes on “Belong” which acts as a wonderfully sad metaphor for hidden passion, burning within but private and secluded…locked within the four walls of your own skin; a constant struggle. Overall it is a very restrained album and has nothing in means of classics like “Blood” or “Munich” but Editors have proven that less can certainly mean more. Sometimes violence CAN be the answer apparently. [7]

As you all know by now, every year I do a round up in some way shape or form, of the annual EUROVISION SONG CONTEST. Highly regarded in the UK as an absolutely cringe-worthy cheese-fest, it's no surprise we haven't won it for years, and that's without getting into the shows regular politics let alone the utter shambolic level of fuckery we've found ourselves in under the "leadership" of Theresa May and the current Conservative government...well actually no I'll blame Cameron too, the pig-poking prick! Regardless...we enter every year and hope to not come last essentially. The 2018 final will be held on Saturday 12th May and will take place in Lisbon, Portugal, after SALVADOR SOBRAL won the Ukraine 2017 competition...here I'll be taking a quick run down of all 26 qualified acts and giving my own personal individual score / opinion ahead of the live final...in order of live performance; let's begin...

1] UKRAINE: MELOVIN - "Under The Ladder". Aged just 21, opening the Eurovision Song Contest would seem like a daunting task for many, but Melovin (Real name Kostyantyn Mykolayovych Bocharov) is perfectly at home here, as winner of season 6 of Ukraine's version of The X-Factor. The track is an up-beat, rhythmic dance-pop piece which should in all honesty kick things off really well in terms of tempo and entertainment, but on record it isn't the most convincing vocal display in places and I just hope things don't fall flat for him on the night. 3/5

2] SPAIN: AMAIA Y ALFRED - "Tu Cancion". This is a track taken from Amaia Romero's album "Sus Canciones" and is a collaboration with one Alfred Garcia...sung in Spanish, it's one of the songs this year traditionally sung in the native language as used to be part of the rules before they relaxed things, and for all intents and purposes it's a soft piano ballad with elegant string sections...a lovely song in some aspects but luckily one of the boring ones is now out of the way early. 1/5

3] SLOVENIA: LEA SIRK - "Hvala, Ne!"...NE! NE! NE! We are the knight's who say...NE! *Ahem* All jokes aside, Slovenia's answer to MO / KESHA does a decent job of bringing a modern twist to proceedings. Utilizing a blend of hip-hop production and combining electronica with soulful pop, it's got a decent beat to it overall but it never truly takes off, with the chorus sadly coming across as anti-climatic compared to the level of expectancy of the track. 2/5

4] LITHUANIA: IEVA ZASIMAUSKAITE - "When We're Old". Ironically titled by the 24 year old, and despite her youth this isn't her first Euro rodeo! Having enrolled to compete in 2013, 2014, 2016 and 2017, she FINALLY get's her opportunity to represent her country in 2018. It's an honestly lovely song, focusing on Ieva's hushed, whispered vocals over a gentle piano lullaby...it's a slow one, and one that will rely on mood and emotions conveyed on the night, but it's a wonderfully tranquil track and should score well regardless. 2/5

5] AUSTRIA: CESAR SAMPSON - "Nobody But You". Always the bridesmaid, never the bride...having performed as part of backing vocals for two previous Austrian acts, Cesar finally get's his own shot. Arguably one of the first bandwagon jumpers this year, Cesar brings a fully emotive, gospel sound to Portugal with his blend of soulful pop music, hammered home by a strong melodic chorus...if you're a fan of RAG 'N' BONE MAN then expect to be giving Austria your vote this year... 3/5

6] ESTONIA: ELINA NECHAYEVA - "La Forza". The show isn't over until the fat lady sings...well as it happens Elina is far from fat and we're less than a quarter of our way through so buckle up! A classically trained Soprano, Elina brings a touch of class and vocal quality to proceedings this year, with her powerful vocal range and dramatic, operatic elements...if you're a fan of TARJA TURUNEN for example, you may want to send your vote Elina's way! 2/5

7] NORWAY: ALEXANDER RYBAK - "That's How You Write A Song". FEED. ME. MORE! Oh...sorry...wrong Ryback I was thinking about WWE for a second...but no in all seriousness, Alexander is technically a Eurovision veteran; he WON the competition back in 2009 with a track called "Fairytale"...can the young lad with the violin become a two-time winner this weekend? This funk-driven almost 70's inspired combination of tinny guitar and violin has plenty of energy, but will it be Norway or NO WAY!? You be the judge...2/5

8] PORTUGAL: CLAUDIA PASCOAL - "O Jardim". The hometown-hero as such, Claudia represents the hosts this year taking the torch from reigning champion SALVADOR SOBRAL and will be hoping Portugal can pull off an unexpected victory to retain the Eurovision Trophy for a 2nd consecutive year. Another acoustic/piano ballad, it's got quite a slow build and is honestly quite soppy, potentially risking too many similarities to last years winning song itself...they say lightning doesn't strike twice, I guess Saturday we'll find out. 1/5

9] UNITED KINGDOM: SuRie - "Storm". Oh boy...if you could find me a more fitting song for the UK for this competition I will do sexual things for you no questions asked...not only is the song already two years old and theoretically out-dated, lyrically and thematically it pretty much sums up the state of affairs regarding Britain and the EU and the whole Brexit debacle...metaphorically of course. Musically it is a decent pop track and has it's anthemic qualities but despite any positives I can't see us doing well at all this year...3/5

10] SERBIA: SANJA ILIC & BALKANIKA - "Nova Deca". There's always an entry with utilizes traditional middle-eastern tones and this track is that entry...and seriously what a long-ass intro, taking up nearly a third of the song! It's got a generally simple beat and does pick up, leading into an ultimately pleasant, up-tempo track with subtle dance tones, but it could have benefited  having more of this, less of the intro, as it's shot itself in the camel-toe essentially. 1/5

11] GERMANY: MICHAEL SCHULTE - "You Let Me Walk Alone". Another young talent with a background in reality TV; 28 year old Michael found mild success on Germany's version of The Voice in 2012, where he came third overall, before going on to release his debut album. This year we find him contributing yet another piano ballad to this years Eurovision playlist, and as you may have guessed it's another harmonious love-song with an impassioned climatic feel...again, nice but, it may get lost in the shuffle. 2/5

12] ALBANIA: EUGENT BUSHPEPA - "Mall"...I take one look at this guys name and I swear to god all I can think of is a bush-tucker trial...but my mental issues aside, here we have the first of our demographic-pleasing alternative entries. Eugent is a renowned rock performer in his home country and has actually supported the likes of DEEP PURPLE in mainland Europe, so he's got his credentials...but what is he offering here? A mellow, country-esque traditional folk-pop type piece with an acoustic lead and impressive vocals. It sounds good, I just wish I knew what he was saying. 2/5

13] FRANCE: MADAME MONSIEUR - "Mercy". France hardly needs the bad luck of performing 13th...their results have hardly been the most impressive in recent years, but they hope to change that in 2018. The ambient, synth-pop track follows on from recent success stories such as CHRISTINA & THE QUEENS and may go down well, and though there are no direct ties to the LGBT community, the whole MRS/MR approach could appeal to gender neutral's from an activist point of view...unless that's me looking far too deeply into what is essentially an annual song contest...2/5

14] CZECH REPUBLIC: MIKOLAS JOSEF - "Lie To Me". A potential favourite here depending on the right crowd...full of swagger and groove, Mikolas utilizes the southern blues inspired jazz tones of New Orleans to great effect here, rich in funk and passion, he confidently takes this track by the scruff and simply awaits the laudits of the Lisbon crowd. The recorded version does have some swearing in it, so that'll have to be edited during the final or he may find himself getting nil poi via disqualification... 3/5

15] DENMARK: RASMUSSEN - "Higher Ground". A man of many talents; Rasmussen (Real name Jonas) originally performed in a covers band, focusing on the likes of ELTON JOHN and ABBA, before he turned his attention to acting, focusing mainly on stage productions. 2018 see's him return to singing with this entry; a combination of power-pop and traditional, Nordic heritage in subtle tones. Despite the classic key-change sequence, it does lack a little oomph and falls just short of being an awesome entry. 3/5

16] AUSTRALIA: JESSICA MAUBOY - "We Got Love"...Hang on just a second let me just get Moe Sargi...'YO JESSICA MA BOI!" There we go...that's out of the way now...but no seriously Australia in Eurovision is still a thing. Yes it was novel having them there for the big anniversary show a couple of years ago but, despite not being anywhere remotely near Europe, here they are...the song itself is a generic, light, radio-pop song which wouldn't be out of place in some, teen Disney flick...it's fine but, I really don't see the point this year. 2/5

17] FINLAND: SAARA AALTO - "Monsters"...Finland you beautiful bastard of a country...as if you didn't already supply the world with some of the finest gothic metal and rock bands to ever grace the stage, you also have pop music nailed too by the looks! Saara Aalto ticks all the boxes having dueted with ADAM LAMBERT and ANDREA BOCELLI, not to mention having done voice acting for the Finnish dub of "Frozen", she's a proven voice. Here we have a sleek, electronic-pop monster in it's own right rich in hooks and mainstream appeal and it's an absolute top tune. All of the yes from me. 5/5

18] BULGARIA: EQUINOX - "Bones". Bulgaria's entry features yet another reality TV statistic in vocalist Zhana, who won Bulgaria's X-Factor in 2013...now, 5 years later we find them representing their country in Portugal with "Bones"...the haunting vocal tones and the predominantly dark-pop vibes of the song are pleasant enough, helped by its catchy chorus, but it sounds like a watered down version of "Skeletons" by 2017 Azerbaijan entry DIHAJ to me. 2/5

19] MOLDOVA: DoReDoS - "My Lucky Day". Three is the magic number as they say, and for this trio, it's third time lucky as they finally get to represent their country after failing to secure their place in both 2015 and 2016. Doritos as I shall call them from here on in, have a fun and up-beat approach this year combining modern pop with a GOGOL BORDELLO style of Oompa / alternative. 2/5

20] SWEDEN: BENJAMIN INGROSSO - "Dance You Off". One of the youngest performers at this years final in Lisbon, Benjamin started early and appeared in several Swedish musicals as a child and is hoping his performance experience can carry him through to another Swedish victory. With his soft vocals it can be said he's another JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE inspired pop-starlet but truth be told he's not of the same caliber previous Swedish winner MANS ZELMERLOW, he lacks that spark. A harmless pop song but I'm not expecting big things. 1/5

21] HUNGARY: AWS - "Vinszlat Nyar". Ever since LORDI won it for Finland back in 2006 there's almost always a rock song or two thrown into the mix to shake things up a bit and here we have that very token rock song. AWS deliver on all fronts with a strong melody and even stronger riffs for their hard rock performance, even including that cliched key-change and it has to be said it's a solid track...it wont win but it is a banger. 4/5

22] ISRAEL: NETTA - "Toy". While it's one thing to question Australia's inclusion in what is essentially a European competition, it can be said that you have to question Israel too...although politically and economically they are at least tied to the EU so there's that....anyway I digress this is a song contest not BBC Question Time. Netta Barzilai is an outsiders bet if ever there was one! A fun and up-tempo track for the most part, combining western pop influences with middle eastern traditions...it's a decent listen, that is until the random chicken noises...seriously I don't know if it's a gimmick or an affliction. 3/5

23] THE NETHERLANDS: WAYLON - "Outlaw In Em'". Real name Willem Bijkirk, he acquired his stage name after the late Waylon Jennings as means of a tribute and is no stranger to Eurovision. As part of THE COMMON LINNETS he finished runner-up back in 2014 and hopes to go one step further 4 years later. Mixing bluegrass with southern rock swagger, fans of BLACK STONE CHERRY and the like are sure to give him the nod of approval and send a vote his way. 4/5

24] IRELAND: Ryan O'Shaughnessy - "Together". Despite a lack of luck in recent years, Ireland are still the ones to beat as they've won Eurovision a record seven times since its inception, and they hope to add another victory in Portugal this year.Another TV talent show statistic, Ryan O'Whatshisface appeared in Britain's Got Talent back in 2012, reaching the final only to finish in 5th place...will he do better here? Another sweet, acoustic/piano ballad, it doesn't truly stand out as such but he's got enough Irish charm to win the voting public over...perhaps. 2/5

25] CYPRUS: ELENI FOUREIRA - "Fuego". Apparently Eleni here is the bookies favourite and I've been scratching my head to work out how and why...with her typically modern autotune-laden pop qualities I guess she'd make quick and easy money in the charts commercially, given the success of everyone from DEMI LOVATO to DUA LIPA and the like...it's decent enough pop song for what it's worth and catchy enough but, it's nothing special per se...we'll see. 3/5

26] ITALY: ERMAL META E FABRIZIO MORO - "Non Me Avete Fatto Niente"...It takes longer to say that than they'll stay in the top 10 this year if you ask me...it's emotive enough with its almost cinematic qualities in places but songs spoken in native tongue are hit and miss and never a guarantee...it might benefit from being on last in some eyes, but to many it'll be an afterthought as the audience suffers from fatigue and burnout, and it's hardly a climatic showstopper...I can't see this doing overly well. 2/5

So...there we have it...my run down of the 2018 Eurovision final! Have you heard any of the songs yet? Are you happy with your countries entry and more important;y, who will you be voting for? Leave your comments below, but for now...it's over to Graham Norton to entertain us with his commentary.

Recently, we in the UK have seemingly gone out of our way to make damn sure we’re a laughing stock in mainland Europe, with ‘The Wicked Witch Of The West-Minster’ Theresa May doing little to nothing to stop the likes of Brussels making us look like idiots on the world stage in the shadow of Brexit, and this weekend we shall see that trend continue, as we drown our sorrows in Bailey’s at the 2018 Eurovision song contest. I swear to god, given the mess we’re in we may as-actually-fucking-well submit Boris Johnson as our entry this year; we have THAT much confidence in this year’s competition! As you may know by now, every year I take a look back at the previous year’s winner to see what they’ve done with their fame and success, and today we avert our attention to Portugal’s own SALVADOR SOBRAL.

The 28 year old from Lisbon won the competition last year in Ukraine, marking Portugal’s 1st victory in like, forever…seriously…they’d never won it in 53 years, and he did so using a song his sister wrote called “Amar Pelos Dois”, setting a new points record (Having said that they keep meddling with the voting so expect this year’s winner to have like, a million points)…I went to check to see what he had released since his historic victory, only to find that he’d released…a live album. That’s it. Live versions of now two year old songs…so…with that said, let’s go back to 2016 shall we, where we actually have an album to go through…this is “Excuse Me”…and mate, I’ll judge if you’re to be excused or not…

We open up with that very title track and what is actually pleasant is the fact we find Salvador singing in English, swapping out his native tongue…musically it’s a quaint little piano ballad combined with soft jazz-lounge qualities, aided by the cushioned, slightly hushed, slightly husky vocals; in ways you could say he was Portugal’s answer to JAMIE CULLUM on the basis of this track; an innocent start this. Follow up “Nada Que Esperar” continues with the soothing jazz tones of the piano / double bass combination, and given it’s rough translation of ‘Nothing To Hope For’ you can feel the sadness in the performance, the acceptance of life’s situations per se and it’s very mellifluous in its own meager way.

The majority of the record flows at a steady and reliable pace, rarely diverting from its jazz-based roots, it’s a very easy-listening record really, the kind of album you’d find yourself putting on after a long day at work, sat and listened to with a glass of red with your feet up, and this is backed up by tracks like “Ready For Love Again”; with its delicately tickled piano and caressing, harmonious string sections, it’s a lulling album highlight. Speaking of lulling we have “I Might Just Stay Away” which at just over 6-minutes is the longest track here, and really emphasizes those lullaby-esque characteristics, sounding like the kind of gentle music that would come from a little girls jewelry box. The real highlights however come courtesy of “After You’ve Gone”, which is a short, up-beat quirky piece of jazz which was originally written in 1918 and has been performed by everyone from the aforementioned Cullem, to the late JUDY GARLAND, and “Autumn In New York”, which was made famous in 1949 by Ol’ Blue Eyes himself; FRANK SINATRA.

Overall I have to be honest, as far as Eurovision winners go, compared to some, I did find Salvador’s entry pretty damn dull last year and was surprised when he won (Although he got a sympathy vote through prior heart surgery and played sneaky political games with his refugees shirt) but going back to this previous album, I’ll admit he is capable of better things. Granted, this is a lot more relaxed than my usual tastes but it’s a decent modern jazz record with enough throwback appeal to keep fans satisfied. I will excuse you…JUST about. [4]