You know by now that, while I am perfectly capable of writing a decent, or at the very least, serious review, whether here or over on ALL ABOUT THE ROCK, I get my kicks out of the more, unusual and questionable releases available to me. I can point my finger at the likes of, KIM PETRAS, or, going back to COREY FELDMAN; I like a challenge, but this is the sort of thing that can break a man. This can Brokeback Mountain the fuck out of a man...this is “Ram Ranch” by GRANT MACDONALD, and I blame young Charlie Bryant for this 1 hour and 7 minutes of audio torture. Even the inmates at Guantanamo Bay would feel sorry for me here, but, fuck it...saddle up, we’re going in (Dry)…
Firstly, who IS Grant Macdonald? Little is known about this alleged Canadian, other than that he might be Canadian, and his name might be Grant Macdonald...he’s like the BANKSY of homoerotic cowboy rock. The album we’re tackling today originally came out in 2012, so, aside from being a rare case of retrospective reviewing from me, we’ve had a decade to process, and at times, begrudgingly accept “Ram Ranch”. It’s been used as pro-LGBTQ+ content in protests and rallies, and over its existence it became a running meme and an ongoing source of absurdity. To this day Grant has apparently released SIX HUNDRED variants of “Ram Ranch”, which is frankly both impressive and alarming. Dude has a passion, what can I say? With that said, the only way is down, as we process this piece of... art?
The album opens up with the title track, and, we initially have a dose of rather subdued heavy metal instrumentation, with all of the riffs, licks and kick drums. I say subdued because it’s practically background noise. On a production level, it’s like a demo in terms of audio quality, but the capability is there, that in itself is promising...but it’s the vocal content that draws attention here.
Allow me to set the tone lyrically; “18 naked cowboys in the showers at Ram Ranch, big hard throbbing cocks wanting to be sucked, 18 naked cowboys wanting to be fucked? Cowboys in the showers at Ram Ranch on their knees wanting to suck cowboy cocks; Ram Ranch really rocks!”. This is the primary content of the track from start to finish, and it’s the absurdity of this that, at first, makes it mildly amusing and, quite distressing simultaneously. The worst bit? The spoken-word over metal sounds like, CHILLS, arguably THE WORST YouTube narrator in the history of the internet, got a record deal. The repetition and looping of track one IS painful, sure, but we have 11 tracks left. Even my Jack Daniel’s needs a Jack Daniel’s...
Second track “Plowboy” has such a reverberated overlay of vocal samples, it becomes an absolute trippy mess from the moment it starts, with some, moog-esque synths, setting the tone for some almost 70’s porn rock sleaze. It’s the kind of thing to make your eye twitch, which one all depends on you and your tastes, I’m not here to discriminate.
Next up we have, “Cowboys Fucking Cowboys” and, you remember when KID ROCK was like, “I wanna’ be a Cowboy baby!”? Yeah, we’re going to shatter his dreams right now. The gentle acoustics here could easily, EASILY be used for a more serious, affectionate country ballad, but there’s so much lyrical cowboy fucking here, riding butthole’s deep...it’s like...you know when ROGER ALAN WADE did “If You’re Gonna’ Be Dumb” for JACKASS, but instead of a montage of stunts, it was gay porn...that about sums it up.
“Prince Harry” returns abruptly to that riff-heavy metal musicality, and it’s a wonder how the ever-loving fuck he got away with this one. I don’t know if this would be art, slander, or character assassination, but telling him to ride those big hard ram ranch cowboy cocks, bouncy, bouncy up and down, up and down, drink that cum, ram another cock up your royal bum? I don’t even know where the line is legally with this. I think of Harry now, in 2022, but this was ten years ago, ok Harry was still 28 at the time, but Christ. This is worse than that time he wore that Nazi costume to a party and made the front page. Who would have thought THAT could be topped?
Next up, I feel personally attacked, as we have “Suck That Cock Gavin”, and, no. Firstly I’m not even joking, that’s that track name! I’m barely here to listen to the album, I’m certainly not signing up for that. I recently reviewed VR SEX and not even they were that immersive, calm the fuck down Grant! Or at least buy me dinner first!? I’ll take the salad, hold the ram ranch dressing please...
“Big Hard Cowboy Cock” sounds like, generic mid 90’s WCW music, excluding the lyrics, obviously, Ted Turner wouldn’t tolerate that. Imagine like, the Nitro Girls were gay cheerleaders? Disco Inferno and Alex Wright would have much better careers. ” Hard Horsecock” implies that we’re entering the world of bestiality here now, and I don’t even know what I can get away with. We’ve all heard the phrase ‘hung like a horse’, but this is sung like a cunt. “12 Inch Cock” has industrialised metal elements but it’s more like, queer factory than FEAR FACTORY, while “Stable Boy” houses a more urbanised gangsta-rap / hip-hop aesthetic, but it drops more soap than it does bars.
Ultimately, whoever Grant Macdonald is...he’s committed. Or at least he should be. Credit to him, I can barely think of the words to sum this up. Not since AC/DC has an artist produced so much content with so little substance. Sure, he’s able to mix it up musically, utilising rock and metal, country and Americana, as well as hip-hop, so he’s technically actually better than AC/DC, but lyrically and vocally, I’m assuming it’s something you have to be in-on, or, ‘get’.
Ideal for reaction videos, or making friends and family question you when they hear you play it on Spotify, but, at over an hour long, it’s not a fun album in the slightest, and once the initial shock wears off, and you’ve done the whole “Wtf?” head shake, it very quickly becomes monotonous and boring. Let’s be honest, there’s only so much hard throbbing cowboy cock you can take, y’know? No? Ok then...