Some of you may be thinking, Gav…how many reviews can you shoehorn references to Covid-19 into? Well…my friend, as it happens, as many as I want. You see while a lot of you are crying over 2020 festival season being buggered into next year, I’ve got my own agenda. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy festival experiences, but I am instead honestly quite reclusive, so one of the things I personally look forward to every year is the EUROVISION SONG CONTEST.

Long-time readers will know I usually cover the show in some way shape or form, be it a run-down of finalists, covering past winner’s releases, or even just live-Tweeting the event…this year, I can’t enjoy this. This year I couldn’t look forward to sitting in front of my TV on the rare occasion I do, to watch Graham Norton sarcastically bury a plethora of countries. This year I couldn’t respectfully raise a glass of Bailey’s to Sir Terry Wogan during song 9, (Who am I kidding it’s a bottle of Jack). This year I couldn’t even get annoyed by the very political voting system I expect each and every fucking year as if it’s some shocking conspiracy. Covid-19 brought an end to all of that…and for that…I despise you, even though you’ve given me two months off work paid. 1st world problems, yes, but still. Alas…what I CAN do at least is channel my inner Jim Bowen, and have a look at who could have won, as Eurovision still at least released the 41-track CD of each countries entry. With that said…Good Evening Rotterdam! Open up, and let’s shine a light on the performers to see who gets 12 points….

​I’m going to preface this by stating that no I am NOT going to be analysing every one of the 41 entries as frankly I don’t even think lockdown is long enough for me to do that, but I will mull over my personal highlights, and as usual, the Eurovision double-album does things alphabetically, so we start with Albania. Their entry is “Fall From The Sky”, performed by ARILENA ARA and it’s one of two primary Eurovision tropes…heartfelt ballad, or fucking bonkers. This one falls into ballad category and as an opening track it’s a fairly safe one. The light piano allowing Arilena’s emotive, powerful vocals to really shine and there’s a dramatic intensity to this performance; a wonderful start. If you enjoyed that ballad however, hold on to that thought because you’re going to get sick of them over the next say, I don’t know… album? 

Armenia’s entry “Chains On You” by ATHENA MANOUKAIN tries to modernise things with some middle-eastern inspired trap and mumble rap…as far as the genre goes it’s fine, it’s the kind of thing you’d find Charlie Sloth spinning, but it’s not for me. Australia are still participating even though their initial anniversary guest spot was a few years ago now, and their entry “Don’t Break Me”, performed by MONTAIGNE is…another pop ballad. Granted the modern production and bold yet husky vocals find her somewhere between say, DUA LIPA and SIA in some ways, and it’s not bad. Onion Bhaji are up next…sorry, no, Azerbaijan are up next with “Cleopatra” performed by EFENDI and we get more middle-eastern / Egyptian musical influence, before leading into more Western pop stylistics…up until the part where they start summoning demons and shit…honestly that’s what it sounds like. Seriously, I thought my desk was going to start floating or my eyeballs were going to bleed!

Let’s see what else we have here…Belgium’s entry “Release Me” by HOOVERPHONIC in its own ways sounds like a BTEC version of BILLIE EILISH doing a Bond Theme…that’s the best and only way of describing that, you’re going to have to get way off of my back about that one. Skipping ahead now but keeping a colour scheme it’s Germany who have the next real highlight with the track “Violent Thing” by BEN DOLIC. Sadly the track is about as violent as two kittens having a pillow fight…I was expecting this year’s rock entry or something but we get another up-tempo pop offering. It’s got some brass elements and a bit of funk, and an impressive high note, resulting in quite a catchy little track, but it’s not what I was hoping for. Speaking of getting my hopes up, I ALWAYS look for Finland’s entry since LORDI won it in 2006, and this year, their entry “Looking Back” by AKSEL was…meh. It’s a pleasant indie-pop piece with ample melody, nothing like Lordi, or even SAARA AALTO from 2018; disappointing this one I’m afraid, you let me down Finland.

Next up, we have the United Kingdom…and as a Welshman, you might think I’m going to be biased here, that I’m going to sing praises to our entry as if they’re God’s gift to mainstream music…well I can assure you, that you are wrong. JAMES NEWMAN is our entry for this year with the track “My Last Breath” and I would sooner give up my last breath than have this song win the competition, despite it making things logistically easier for me to attend in 2021. Another copy and paste type of emotional male-led pop song akin to anyone from JAMES ARTHUR or SAM SMITH or any generic bollocks like that…it’s just so bloody boring! Georgia on the other hand, do somewhat peak my interest…”Take Me As I Am” by TORNIKE KIPIANI is, admittedly, lyrically fucking awful, let me make that clear, but the deep, electronic tinged moody indie tones easily mirror the styles and sounds of say, IMAGINE DRAGONS or AWOLATION etc, and this is arguably as dark as things get this year.

Skipping eagerly ahead now as we’re still only about half way here, we get Ireland and honestly…this would have been a contender for the competitions winner to break their own record, securing eight competition victories. “Story Of My Life” by LESLEY ROY gives off some serious KATY PERRY vibes…it’s a bouncy, light-hearted absolute banger of a pop anthem. Sure there’s repetition, a little instrumental monotony and some childish qualities but this is the kind of track you’d understand being all over commercial radio this Summer time…never mind the political voting, Covid-19 potentially robbed Ireland of this year’s win! Do they have any contenders however? Why in fact yes they do, and there is some STRONG competition from Iceland, and who some may say are favourites to win; DAðI FREYR with the song “Think About Things”. A synth-rich, full on disco-funk driven indie track…it is so simple in execution with the most basic of hooks, so much groove in so little effort, this is superb.

Jumping forward then we have THE ROOP with their entry “On Fire” for Lithuania…and it’s another basic pop track with pulsing electronic elements, dance-pop qualities with all of the synth laden hooks, it’s not as good as past winners such as MÅNS ZELMERLÖW for example but it’s along the same vein and personally I enjoy this, it’s arguably my favourite, despite some questionable vocals in places…and the video is as stated above; fucking bonkers. The rest of the album sadly doesn’t really throw up many particular highlights or memorable tracks, other than “Uno” by LITTLE BIG representing Russia. The “Skibidi” outfit had my attention going into the competition don’t get me wrong, but they’ve done better. Granted they’ve likely been heavily censored but still! SKIBIDI WA-PA-POW! The video does make me laugh mind…it’s all in the knees fam.

Romania come in with the track “Alcohol You” and I thought I was being offered a pint in broken English to be honest, so imagine my disappointment when ROXEN starts warbling her moody, sultry vocals…a slow, albeit grandiose track , though KORPIKLAANI drink better to be fair. Serbia rock up then with “Hasta La Vista” and the name alone has me hooked…have HURRICANE been sent from the future by Sky Net to secure Eurovision victory? In short…no…imagine someone installed LimeWire on the T-800 and the sheer amount of internet aids rendered it out of order. I’ll be very surprised if you’ll be back. Eventually then, and finally, we find ourselves at Ukraine, listening to “Solovey” by GO_A, and luckily, we conclude the album on an unorthodox yet enjoyable note. The traditional native tones of the vocal performance and woodwind elements coupled with a solid dance-pop aesthetic allow for a genuinely soothing and fun listen…I mean I haven’t got a fucking clue what they are saying but I like it!

After all of that, it really is heart-breaking to know that, given Eurovision’s six-decade legacy and tradition, none of the above entries will be able to represent their respective nations and try to put themselves in the history books. Granted some of these songs work better as a stage performance with character and gimmicks as opposed to straight up audio content, but that doesn’t detract what would have been an entertaining evening of live entertainment and multicultural acceptance of diversity. I know I rant and roast but I honestly enjoy the Eurovision Song Contest…I look forward to it every year, and hopefully it comes back all guns blazing in 2021. Where…who knows…no country has ever done two in a row from winning, so will Holland get to host again on a technicality? We can only wait and see…until then, Europe, you’re a beautiful bunch of bastards, for the record, I didn’t vote for Brexit I voted remain…and as far as Covid-19 goes…nil pois.

Now, it WOULD ironically take some sort of deal with the devil to actually accomplish what I’m about to propose to you here but, just go with me on this…imagine you managed to, I don't know, dust off the old Ouija board to summon the spirits of both ROSIE HAMLIN and AMY WINEHOUSE, somehow harnessed their combined vocal capabilities, incorporated that with the suddenly resurrected rock ‘n’ roll musical style of the 50’s and 60’s and, oh, sang about satanic rituals while you’re at it? I wouldn’t blame you if you assumed I was four days into a three-day weekend of abusing multiple substances all the while binge watching Nostalgia Critic videos (That’s half right, I’ll let you speculate which half)…but in principle, there actually does exist such a twisted creation…a creation even Mary Shelly would tip her quill to…let me introduce you to TWIN TEMPLE.

The duo, comprising of Alexandra and Zachary James, formed in (As they say with a slight case of tongue in cheek) the City Of Angels, only recently really in 2016, but have caused quite a stir among the alternative community in the brief time since. While you would typically associate the idea of Satanism in music going hand in hoof with genres such as black or death metal, here the pair argue the case that maybe the devil doesn’t have a ‘type’ and that maybe he loves a slow jam as much as the next bloke…or…biblical outcast, and so using the classical sounds of soul, blues jazz and doo-wop, they spread the message of feminist Satanism, and tackle topics of oppression while fighting for free will against dated ways of thinking in society. How are they doing this? Well with their new album of course! So with that in mind, let’s check out the smoothly titled “Twin Temple (Bring You Their Signature Sound…Satanic Doo-Wop)”…I feel like I’ve just summoned something just SAYING that out loud…Venite incipere!

We open up with “The Devil (Didn’t Make Me Do It)” and it’s a quaint little slice of social commentary and tackles the idea of perception; with lyrics about 8-Balls, playing pool, beer and what not…the idea that gambling and alcohol etc is the work of the devil and leads to further sinning, but here they defend him claiming he gets a bad rap, it’s not all his fault at all! There IS a sense of poignancy however as Alexandra references the 27-club, making the point whilst doing her best Amy Winehouse over some subtle jazz and soft blues. You make your own choices in life, but some of us do have our demons and we need to hold ourselves accountable; it’s a touching nod. “Lucifer, My Love” then goes head on into a world of Satanism but done in the most romantic manner possible. There’s no bombastic sense of theater or hedonistic rituals of sacrificial bloodshed…instead there is a sweet love song about how Alexandra genuinely loves him. The ceremonial candles likened to a candle-lit date, and she even asks if he prefers blue denim or a red dress? A rib at the expense of both gothic and heavy metal clichés…despite its pacing as a slow-dance track it’s really quite comical, in a good way!

The rest of the album continues to tackle the concepts of tortured romance, adultery, corruption and revenge fuelled by love and loss; “I Know How To Hex You” dabbles in a little black magic as the scorned woman gets back at her ex for objectifying her, all delivered with a smooth dose of Americana, while “Let’s Hang Together” goes down the route of taking marriage vows very literally, with emphasis on the till’ death do us part bit, so long the lovers both go out at the same time…morbidly romantic you may say. There are two instrumental pieces making up run-time in the form of “In Lvx” and “In Nox”, representing night and day and other than acting as an interlude and closing piece respectively, they contribute little to what is essentially an 8-track mini-album really.

Overall, while musically it won’t be exciting very many people in the heavy metal community, it IS a refreshing change, in both pace and style. Where it lacks in instrumental heaviness it makes up for in its message and entire point…its MEANT to stick out like a sore thumb because the duo are challenging preconceived and already existing ideas and norms, and really they’ve succeeded, all the while managing to not make any sort of mockery of their Satanic principles. The Goths will get behind this for its quirkiness, and if you’re fan of the “Dreamboats And Petticoats” era then you’ll likely enjoy this too, just, look past the nods to the occult and don’t play it for your grandma...the next time you visit you may find her hailing Satan and finger painting with her cats blood in between cups of tea. [5]

Finnish music it would seem, is undergoing a little bit of a renaissance…just last year we saw the revival (And what a revival it was too!) of original 80’s Goth-rockers MUSTA PARAATI thanks to Jyrki Linannkivi of THE 69 EYES, who helped them rock ‘n’ roll-back the years to deliver some sorely missed traditional post-punk, but this year we’re going back even further. Back in the late 70’s a group of musicians who would be simply known as the AGENTS began their highly collaborative career, acting as a backing band for several successful Finnish artists, and though while consistent throughout this time, having released a plethora of recorded LP’s, they’ve never really had the spotlight on them outside of their home country…until now.

VILLE VALO needs no introduction; the former HIM front-man is one of the most iconic performers in modern alternative music and since HIM disbanded, I guess you could say he’s been a…free agent? Cue the collaboration! But it wouldn’t be the first time, oh no…HIM fans will be aware that back in the late 90’s before the love-metal maestro’s hit the big time, Valo had already performed with Agents a handful of times on Finnish TV…but now, twenty years later, we find them together again as Valo’s career comes full circle as they release their self-titled album “Ville Valo & Agents”. To paraphrase CHER…do you believe in life after love metal? Let’s check it out…

The album opens up with “Kirstinkulma” and what we have really is an elongated intro track; purely instrumental here, it showcases the bands original style and tone with the stripped-back surf rock and blues-pop influences…with a subtle ROY ORBISON inspired sound in places. It’s very easy-listening and really quite sweet sonically. The first track proper then is the first of a couple of revisited tracks for Valo by the name of “Ikkunaprinsessa”, which essentially means ‘The princess in the window’. Not to be mistaken with anything you might find in the window of his dad’s Helsinki sex shop, it’s a romantic little tale about someone who sets their eyes on a model in a shop window and falls in love. A simple story but it’s got such a jovial tone to it, with Valo here sounding smooth as ever. Singing in his native tongue, he makes Finnish as much an art from as a language. “Paratiisi” is another which means ‘Paradise’ and it’s got soft, Mediterranean elements to the guitar here and both tracks sound vibrant; the fresh recording quality has done them justice.

It’s worth pointing out here that the bulk of this record comes in the form of re-recordings, with Valo putting his spin on tracks originally performed when the Agents were collaborating with RAULI SOMERJOKI, a Finnish songwriter who passed away in 1987, with “Kuihtuu Kesäinen Maa” being a great tribute for example. An incredibly mellow track, Valo allows his dulcet tones to weave their way around the song, bordering on the point of becoming a lullaby was it not for the instrumentation. There’s a sense of clarity to him that he was lacking on the last HIM record and he seems audibly more relaxed, healthier even. There are two English language tracks presented by the way of “Rockin’ With Enzio” and “I Told You So”…neither of which have Valo on vocals. The former houses a subtle 70’s glam-rock tone musically, which may appeal to fans of say, T-REX, while the latter harbours a more country-based blues aesthetic; both of which equally refreshing on the ears from a musical and linguistic point.

To be quite frank, this is more of a project than a new band or, real fresh start for Valo post-HIM…a little like his solo single “Olet Mun Kaikuluotain”, he just fancied a change. The songs have been rerecorded and produced well, and Valo’s hushed vocal harmonies are tailor made for Agents musical style, they complement each other wonderfully.  If any HIM fans were hoping for something more like the guys have done in FLAT EARTH then they’ll be disappointed, the whole idea was for Valo to step AWAY from the noise and the heaviness that came with being in HIM; he’s exploring new avenues creatively and allowing himself the freedom to do so. Sure the Finnish itself might put some people off too, but it really isn’t aimed at the same demographic of Heartagram enthusiasts he’s been used to for the past twenty five years. If you’re a fan of Valo’s then naturally you’re going to check this out, long-time fans will already be familiar with his history with the Agents, but don’t go into this expecting his trademark baritone, soaring vocals and wailing guitar solos…you will be massively let down. [6]

Omne trium perfectum…no, before you ask I’ve not been to Hogwarts and that isn’t a spell for perfectly cooked three-egg omelettes…but it is in fact the Latin for ‘the rule of three’. As the saying goes, the best things come in three’s, at least that’s the common conception anyway, and what better way to explore this, than the trusty trilogy…let’s look at some examples. There’s the pioneering “Carnosaur”, that so heavily influenced “Jurassic Park” to the point that came out just FOUR WEEKS later, so inspired was Spielberg…there’s the “Star Wars” prequels with the phenomenal Jar Jar Binks…and then there’s “Jackass”, which has some of the strongest story telling ever put to the big screen. What’s that? I’m being facetious? Me?

The point I’m trying to make is that for everything that’s good in the world, it’ll have an opposite, and that sometimes three isn’t necessarily always the magic number (Even one in some cases), and to explore this further today we’ll be looking at NINE INCH NAILS and the new mini-album “Bad Witch”. Front man Trent Reznor initially started messing around with some ideas back in 2016 which later became the EP “Not The Actual Events”, which was a decent extended play that followed “Hesitation Marks” really quite well thematically as a stand-alone slab of bonus NIN…but he went on to reveal it was to be the first of  trilogy. This was soon followed up by 2017’s “Add Violence” which despite starting strong, soon found itself going further down the electro-prog rabbit hole, before we wound up in there here and now. All that’s left to find out now is, on a scale of one to ten (One being Sabrina and ten being Gruntilda) how bad IS the witch?

We open up positively, and more importantly promisingly, with “Shit Mirror” and we’re instantly met with the gritty, grainy, riff-heavy bitterness that we’ve come to love from Reznor; his tortured vocals iconic as ever, while the clap-along percussion provides an up-beat tempo, yet it also harbours an almost QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE type bluesy, stoner rock vibe, subtly layered within…until a brief pause, before the track ends irritatingly on a loop, ultimately spoiling all initial momentum. “Ahead Of Ourselves” opts for a more pulsing, droning, drum ‘n’ bass approach…before slowly ascending into an almost, aggrotech barrage…combining Reznor’s penchant for the industrial with more jungle elements, before the instrumental “Play The Goddamned Part” takes us on a journey of disorientating, progressive jazz-infused electronica…the psychedelic jam-session rich in distortion and the use of brass is on the verge of haunting as it relentlessly pierces your ears.

This continues with “God Break Down The Door” and while it retains certain drum ‘n’ bass elements it also contains certain qualities found in DAVID BOWIE’s “Blackstar”…albeit more up-tempo. The tone, the vibe, the almost trance-like nature of its delivery, backed up with those soft jazz influences, it almost finds itself bridging the two all the while remaining entirely separate concepts and entities. “I’m Not From This World” is another instrumental that works on the gradual build; appropriately sounding much like a score from a sci-fi movie, you could easily imagine being stalked along the decks of a space station to this before getting brutally skull-fucked by an alien…before closing track “Over And Out” brings us back down to Earth with its long, drawn-out, sweeping dreamscapes. So how bad is this witch? Upon first listen, it’s an uncomfortable and frustrating wall of noise and ideas mangled into a 30 minute record, and although repeat listens do draw out its nuances, this is more of an art-rock piece that needs your undivided attention, as oppose to an album with choice cuts. On that scale of 1 to 10, I wouldn’t go as far as Gruntilda, but I certainly wouldn’t need to think twice about dropping a house on this son of a witch and stealing her ruby slippers…[4]

If I were to maybe, oh I don’t know, chime in with some lyrics? Maybe something along the lines of…“I chime in with a ‘haven’t you people heard of, closing the god damn door?’”…a lot of you are going have flashbacks to those early emo years of the mid to late 2000’s, and many of you are going to fondly remember how bands like PANIC! AT THE DISCO ruled the airwaves. Well, you may have washed away the eyeliner, cut off your fringe and grown out of all of that since, but you wouldn’t be the only one…front man Brendan Urie has more or less done the same. While alternative rock music has gone through its trends following the emo outbreak, such as the huge metalcore boom, Brendan has very much gone on his own path, in more ways than one. Back in 2016 he released “Death Of A Bachelor” as pretty much the sole remaining member of P!ATD, and long gone were the soaring emo-rock anthems like “I Write Sins…” and “The Ballad Of Mona Lisa”, instead we had a man reinvigorated by the creative process; playing and writing everything himself, toying with ideas and musical avenues, and it paid off with the album doing incredibly well commercially, even though it continued on its clear departure from their original sound.

His new found creative freedom and exploration of pop music theatrics led him to the stage where he did a stint performing for the west end musical “Kinky Boots” and it’s here where we also find P!ATD in 2018 for album number six; “Pray For The Wicked”. Still the sole original member, here we find Brendan allowing his love of all things Broadway to consume P!ATD as he writes freely; full of glee and gay abandon, but does it work for the ol’ disco? Let’s find out…

We rather starkly open up with “(Fuck A) Silver Lining” and despite its initial 50’s feel we quickly transition into Brendan’s bold vocals and a rich, rhythmic jazz piece, but there are also elements of funk as well as early hip-hop layered within the percussion and it’s a real smorgasbord…lyrically it’s heavily focused on those silver linings, coupled with those “Cherries on top”, it’s a message of dissatisfaction; never settle for what you have and don’t be placated by those sweet cherries, you can always strive for more, you can always do better, and this song pushes for that, a possible nod to the bands evolution too if you will. Follow up track “Say Amen (Saturday Night)” has certain elements of religious confliction…housing the album’s title in its chorus, it’s as though he’s suggesting even the righteous need nights off, you can’t save everyone, it’s the weekend, let them do what they want...so while you may not condone ones behaviour, not everyone is your responsibility all the time, and understanding that doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person…and I have to point out the high note at the songs climax, for want of a better phrase, JESUS CHRIST!

The rest of the album pretty much continues with this eccentric and essentially extravagant tone throughout, with Brendan really firing on all cylinders…only those cylinders come packed full of confetti and are accompanied by a full parade, backing dancers, a circus act and marching band. “Roaring 20’s” has this low-key Latin-jazz vibe at its core and highlight’s his experience on Broadway, at this young stage of his life how did end up here so to speak. Album apogee “One Of The Drunks” highlights the dependence society has on substances, the reliance on alcohol and the idea of ‘partying’ to love life, and it’s a powerful song of reflection amidst it’s electronic r’n’b…”The Overpass” again is rich with a heavy brass-driven funk influence, before closing track “Dying In LA” rounds things off with a morose piano ballad; closing the show with a tearjerker before curtains and to be honest Brendan plays to one of his strengths here; his voice. The less-is-more approach musically allows him to pour all the more passion into this, and accompanied by the string sections it’s a lovely little song. Overall while this may be a different band from what you remember from your youth; Brendan does compensate the lack of guitars with an abundance of energy and positivity and while they’ve subtly changed album by album, Brendan’s creative flare is forever a constant and he has to be admired for his daring to explore music. Let’s face it…not many rock stars would swap the sweaty gigs for the glitz and glamour of playing a drag queen in a west end musical, then come back and incorporate that into their day job…that takes some glitter balls! On face value, it’s a fun record as a whole but, it’s not one that’ll stick in your memory on the strength of any single standout songs. [6]

As you all know by now, every year I do a round up in some way shape or form, of the annual EUROVISION SONG CONTEST. Highly regarded in the UK as an absolutely cringe-worthy cheese-fest, it's no surprise we haven't won it for years, and that's without getting into the shows regular politics let alone the utter shambolic level of fuckery we've found ourselves in under the "leadership" of Theresa May and the current Conservative government...well actually no I'll blame Cameron too, the pig-poking prick! Regardless...we enter every year and hope to not come last essentially. The 2018 final will be held on Saturday 12th May and will take place in Lisbon, Portugal, after SALVADOR SOBRAL won the Ukraine 2017 competition...here I'll be taking a quick run down of all 26 qualified acts and giving my own personal individual score / opinion ahead of the live final...in order of live performance; let's begin...

1] UKRAINE: MELOVIN - "Under The Ladder". Aged just 21, opening the Eurovision Song Contest would seem like a daunting task for many, but Melovin (Real name Kostyantyn Mykolayovych Bocharov) is perfectly at home here, as winner of season 6 of Ukraine's version of The X-Factor. The track is an up-beat, rhythmic dance-pop piece which should in all honesty kick things off really well in terms of tempo and entertainment, but on record it isn't the most convincing vocal display in places and I just hope things don't fall flat for him on the night. 3/5

2] SPAIN: AMAIA Y ALFRED - "Tu Cancion". This is a track taken from Amaia Romero's album "Sus Canciones" and is a collaboration with one Alfred Garcia...sung in Spanish, it's one of the songs this year traditionally sung in the native language as used to be part of the rules before they relaxed things, and for all intents and purposes it's a soft piano ballad with elegant string sections...a lovely song in some aspects but luckily one of the boring ones is now out of the way early. 1/5

3] SLOVENIA: LEA SIRK - "Hvala, Ne!"...NE! NE! NE! We are the knight's who say...NE! *Ahem* All jokes aside, Slovenia's answer to MO / KESHA does a decent job of bringing a modern twist to proceedings. Utilizing a blend of hip-hop production and combining electronica with soulful pop, it's got a decent beat to it overall but it never truly takes off, with the chorus sadly coming across as anti-climatic compared to the level of expectancy of the track. 2/5

4] LITHUANIA: IEVA ZASIMAUSKAITE - "When We're Old". Ironically titled by the 24 year old, and despite her youth this isn't her first Euro rodeo! Having enrolled to compete in 2013, 2014, 2016 and 2017, she FINALLY get's her opportunity to represent her country in 2018. It's an honestly lovely song, focusing on Ieva's hushed, whispered vocals over a gentle piano lullaby...it's a slow one, and one that will rely on mood and emotions conveyed on the night, but it's a wonderfully tranquil track and should score well regardless. 2/5

5] AUSTRIA: CESAR SAMPSON - "Nobody But You". Always the bridesmaid, never the bride...having performed as part of backing vocals for two previous Austrian acts, Cesar finally get's his own shot. Arguably one of the first bandwagon jumpers this year, Cesar brings a fully emotive, gospel sound to Portugal with his blend of soulful pop music, hammered home by a strong melodic chorus...if you're a fan of RAG 'N' BONE MAN then expect to be giving Austria your vote this year... 3/5

6] ESTONIA: ELINA NECHAYEVA - "La Forza". The show isn't over until the fat lady sings...well as it happens Elina is far from fat and we're less than a quarter of our way through so buckle up! A classically trained Soprano, Elina brings a touch of class and vocal quality to proceedings this year, with her powerful vocal range and dramatic, operatic elements...if you're a fan of TARJA TURUNEN for example, you may want to send your vote Elina's way! 2/5

7] NORWAY: ALEXANDER RYBAK - "That's How You Write A Song". FEED. ME. MORE! Oh...sorry...wrong Ryback I was thinking about WWE for a second...but no in all seriousness, Alexander is technically a Eurovision veteran; he WON the competition back in 2009 with a track called "Fairytale"...can the young lad with the violin become a two-time winner this weekend? This funk-driven almost 70's inspired combination of tinny guitar and violin has plenty of energy, but will it be Norway or NO WAY!? You be the judge...2/5

8] PORTUGAL: CLAUDIA PASCOAL - "O Jardim". The hometown-hero as such, Claudia represents the hosts this year taking the torch from reigning champion SALVADOR SOBRAL and will be hoping Portugal can pull off an unexpected victory to retain the Eurovision Trophy for a 2nd consecutive year. Another acoustic/piano ballad, it's got quite a slow build and is honestly quite soppy, potentially risking too many similarities to last years winning song itself...they say lightning doesn't strike twice, I guess Saturday we'll find out. 1/5

9] UNITED KINGDOM: SuRie - "Storm". Oh boy...if you could find me a more fitting song for the UK for this competition I will do sexual things for you no questions asked...not only is the song already two years old and theoretically out-dated, lyrically and thematically it pretty much sums up the state of affairs regarding Britain and the EU and the whole Brexit debacle...metaphorically of course. Musically it is a decent pop track and has it's anthemic qualities but despite any positives I can't see us doing well at all this year...3/5

10] SERBIA: SANJA ILIC & BALKANIKA - "Nova Deca". There's always an entry with utilizes traditional middle-eastern tones and this track is that entry...and seriously what a long-ass intro, taking up nearly a third of the song! It's got a generally simple beat and does pick up, leading into an ultimately pleasant, up-tempo track with subtle dance tones, but it could have benefited  having more of this, less of the intro, as it's shot itself in the camel-toe essentially. 1/5

11] GERMANY: MICHAEL SCHULTE - "You Let Me Walk Alone". Another young talent with a background in reality TV; 28 year old Michael found mild success on Germany's version of The Voice in 2012, where he came third overall, before going on to release his debut album. This year we find him contributing yet another piano ballad to this years Eurovision playlist, and as you may have guessed it's another harmonious love-song with an impassioned climatic feel...again, nice but, it may get lost in the shuffle. 2/5

12] ALBANIA: EUGENT BUSHPEPA - "Mall"...I take one look at this guys name and I swear to god all I can think of is a bush-tucker trial...but my mental issues aside, here we have the first of our demographic-pleasing alternative entries. Eugent is a renowned rock performer in his home country and has actually supported the likes of DEEP PURPLE in mainland Europe, so he's got his credentials...but what is he offering here? A mellow, country-esque traditional folk-pop type piece with an acoustic lead and impressive vocals. It sounds good, I just wish I knew what he was saying. 2/5

13] FRANCE: MADAME MONSIEUR - "Mercy". France hardly needs the bad luck of performing 13th...their results have hardly been the most impressive in recent years, but they hope to change that in 2018. The ambient, synth-pop track follows on from recent success stories such as CHRISTINA & THE QUEENS and may go down well, and though there are no direct ties to the LGBT community, the whole MRS/MR approach could appeal to gender neutral's from an activist point of view...unless that's me looking far too deeply into what is essentially an annual song contest...2/5

14] CZECH REPUBLIC: MIKOLAS JOSEF - "Lie To Me". A potential favourite here depending on the right crowd...full of swagger and groove, Mikolas utilizes the southern blues inspired jazz tones of New Orleans to great effect here, rich in funk and passion, he confidently takes this track by the scruff and simply awaits the laudits of the Lisbon crowd. The recorded version does have some swearing in it, so that'll have to be edited during the final or he may find himself getting nil poi via disqualification... 3/5

15] DENMARK: RASMUSSEN - "Higher Ground". A man of many talents; Rasmussen (Real name Jonas) originally performed in a covers band, focusing on the likes of ELTON JOHN and ABBA, before he turned his attention to acting, focusing mainly on stage productions. 2018 see's him return to singing with this entry; a combination of power-pop and traditional, Nordic heritage in subtle tones. Despite the classic key-change sequence, it does lack a little oomph and falls just short of being an awesome entry. 3/5

16] AUSTRALIA: JESSICA MAUBOY - "We Got Love"...Hang on just a second let me just get Moe Sargi...'YO JESSICA MA BOI!" There we go...that's out of the way now...but no seriously Australia in Eurovision is still a thing. Yes it was novel having them there for the big anniversary show a couple of years ago but, despite not being anywhere remotely near Europe, here they are...the song itself is a generic, light, radio-pop song which wouldn't be out of place in some, teen Disney flick...it's fine but, I really don't see the point this year. 2/5

17] FINLAND: SAARA AALTO - "Monsters"...Finland you beautiful bastard of a country...as if you didn't already supply the world with some of the finest gothic metal and rock bands to ever grace the stage, you also have pop music nailed too by the looks! Saara Aalto ticks all the boxes having dueted with ADAM LAMBERT and ANDREA BOCELLI, not to mention having done voice acting for the Finnish dub of "Frozen", she's a proven voice. Here we have a sleek, electronic-pop monster in it's own right rich in hooks and mainstream appeal and it's an absolute top tune. All of the yes from me. 5/5

18] BULGARIA: EQUINOX - "Bones". Bulgaria's entry features yet another reality TV statistic in vocalist Zhana, who won Bulgaria's X-Factor in 2013...now, 5 years later we find them representing their country in Portugal with "Bones"...the haunting vocal tones and the predominantly dark-pop vibes of the song are pleasant enough, helped by its catchy chorus, but it sounds like a watered down version of "Skeletons" by 2017 Azerbaijan entry DIHAJ to me. 2/5

19] MOLDOVA: DoReDoS - "My Lucky Day". Three is the magic number as they say, and for this trio, it's third time lucky as they finally get to represent their country after failing to secure their place in both 2015 and 2016. Doritos as I shall call them from here on in, have a fun and up-beat approach this year combining modern pop with a GOGOL BORDELLO style of Oompa / alternative. 2/5

20] SWEDEN: BENJAMIN INGROSSO - "Dance You Off". One of the youngest performers at this years final in Lisbon, Benjamin started early and appeared in several Swedish musicals as a child and is hoping his performance experience can carry him through to another Swedish victory. With his soft vocals it can be said he's another JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE inspired pop-starlet but truth be told he's not of the same caliber previous Swedish winner MANS ZELMERLOW, he lacks that spark. A harmless pop song but I'm not expecting big things. 1/5

21] HUNGARY: AWS - "Vinszlat Nyar". Ever since LORDI won it for Finland back in 2006 there's almost always a rock song or two thrown into the mix to shake things up a bit and here we have that very token rock song. AWS deliver on all fronts with a strong melody and even stronger riffs for their hard rock performance, even including that cliched key-change and it has to be said it's a solid track...it wont win but it is a banger. 4/5

22] ISRAEL: NETTA - "Toy". While it's one thing to question Australia's inclusion in what is essentially a European competition, it can be said that you have to question Israel too...although politically and economically they are at least tied to the EU so there's that....anyway I digress this is a song contest not BBC Question Time. Netta Barzilai is an outsiders bet if ever there was one! A fun and up-tempo track for the most part, combining western pop influences with middle eastern traditions...it's a decent listen, that is until the random chicken noises...seriously I don't know if it's a gimmick or an affliction. 3/5

23] THE NETHERLANDS: WAYLON - "Outlaw In Em'". Real name Willem Bijkirk, he acquired his stage name after the late Waylon Jennings as means of a tribute and is no stranger to Eurovision. As part of THE COMMON LINNETS he finished runner-up back in 2014 and hopes to go one step further 4 years later. Mixing bluegrass with southern rock swagger, fans of BLACK STONE CHERRY and the like are sure to give him the nod of approval and send a vote his way. 4/5

24] IRELAND: Ryan O'Shaughnessy - "Together". Despite a lack of luck in recent years, Ireland are still the ones to beat as they've won Eurovision a record seven times since its inception, and they hope to add another victory in Portugal this year.Another TV talent show statistic, Ryan O'Whatshisface appeared in Britain's Got Talent back in 2012, reaching the final only to finish in 5th place...will he do better here? Another sweet, acoustic/piano ballad, it doesn't truly stand out as such but he's got enough Irish charm to win the voting public over...perhaps. 2/5

25] CYPRUS: ELENI FOUREIRA - "Fuego". Apparently Eleni here is the bookies favourite and I've been scratching my head to work out how and why...with her typically modern autotune-laden pop qualities I guess she'd make quick and easy money in the charts commercially, given the success of everyone from DEMI LOVATO to DUA LIPA and the like...it's decent enough pop song for what it's worth and catchy enough but, it's nothing special per se...we'll see. 3/5

26] ITALY: ERMAL META E FABRIZIO MORO - "Non Me Avete Fatto Niente"...It takes longer to say that than they'll stay in the top 10 this year if you ask me...it's emotive enough with its almost cinematic qualities in places but songs spoken in native tongue are hit and miss and never a guarantee...it might benefit from being on last in some eyes, but to many it'll be an afterthought as the audience suffers from fatigue and burnout, and it's hardly a climatic showstopper...I can't see this doing overly well. 2/5

So...there we have it...my run down of the 2018 Eurovision final! Have you heard any of the songs yet? Are you happy with your countries entry and more important;y, who will you be voting for? Leave your comments below, but for now...it's over to Graham Norton to entertain us with his commentary.

Recently, we in the UK have seemingly gone out of our way to make damn sure we’re a laughing stock in mainland Europe, with ‘The Wicked Witch Of The West-Minster’ Theresa May doing little to nothing to stop the likes of Brussels making us look like idiots on the world stage in the shadow of Brexit, and this weekend we shall see that trend continue, as we drown our sorrows in Bailey’s at the 2018 Eurovision song contest. I swear to god, given the mess we’re in we may as-actually-fucking-well submit Boris Johnson as our entry this year; we have THAT much confidence in this year’s competition! As you may know by now, every year I take a look back at the previous year’s winner to see what they’ve done with their fame and success, and today we avert our attention to Portugal’s own SALVADOR SOBRAL.

The 28 year old from Lisbon won the competition last year in Ukraine, marking Portugal’s 1st victory in like, forever…seriously…they’d never won it in 53 years, and he did so using a song his sister wrote called “Amar Pelos Dois”, setting a new points record (Having said that they keep meddling with the voting so expect this year’s winner to have like, a million points)…I went to check to see what he had released since his historic victory, only to find that he’d released…a live album. That’s it. Live versions of now two year old songs…so…with that said, let’s go back to 2016 shall we, where we actually have an album to go through…this is “Excuse Me”…and mate, I’ll judge if you’re to be excused or not…

We open up with that very title track and what is actually pleasant is the fact we find Salvador singing in English, swapping out his native tongue…musically it’s a quaint little piano ballad combined with soft jazz-lounge qualities, aided by the cushioned, slightly hushed, slightly husky vocals; in ways you could say he was Portugal’s answer to JAMIE CULLUM on the basis of this track; an innocent start this. Follow up “Nada Que Esperar” continues with the soothing jazz tones of the piano / double bass combination, and given it’s rough translation of ‘Nothing To Hope For’ you can feel the sadness in the performance, the acceptance of life’s situations per se and it’s very mellifluous in its own meager way.

The majority of the record flows at a steady and reliable pace, rarely diverting from its jazz-based roots, it’s a very easy-listening record really, the kind of album you’d find yourself putting on after a long day at work, sat and listened to with a glass of red with your feet up, and this is backed up by tracks like “Ready For Love Again”; with its delicately tickled piano and caressing, harmonious string sections, it’s a lulling album highlight. Speaking of lulling we have “I Might Just Stay Away” which at just over 6-minutes is the longest track here, and really emphasizes those lullaby-esque characteristics, sounding like the kind of gentle music that would come from a little girls jewelry box. The real highlights however come courtesy of “After You’ve Gone”, which is a short, up-beat quirky piece of jazz which was originally written in 1918 and has been performed by everyone from the aforementioned Cullem, to the late JUDY GARLAND, and “Autumn In New York”, which was made famous in 1949 by Ol’ Blue Eyes himself; FRANK SINATRA.

Overall I have to be honest, as far as Eurovision winners go, compared to some, I did find Salvador’s entry pretty damn dull last year and was surprised when he won (Although he got a sympathy vote through prior heart surgery and played sneaky political games with his refugees shirt) but going back to this previous album, I’ll admit he is capable of better things. Granted, this is a lot more relaxed than my usual tastes but it’s a decent modern jazz record with enough throwback appeal to keep fans satisfied. I will excuse you…JUST about. [4]

As a Welshman myself I can safely say this without too much fear of backlash but, in reality, if you ever hear anyone Welsh speak, especially on TV (The ones they pluck off the street for ITV news are always the worst) we honestly sound dull as fuck. Really now…we have quite possibly the most equally poetic and plebeian accent on Earth…so the notion of “Cool Cymru” as a pigeonhole for our 90’s musical exports is quite astonishing. Nevertheless it was indeed a thing and we proudly gave the world bands like CATATONIA and SUPER FURRY ANIMALS…and a slightly better known band by the name of STEREOPHONICS. Formed way back in the early nineties in the town of Cwmaman, the ‘Phonics eventually burst on to the scene with their debut album, “Word Gets Around”, in 1997 and they’ve never looked back…having had a stellar career with millions of sales and a back catalogue of chart toppers, we find them in 2017 releasing their 10th studio album; “Scream Above The Sounds”…let’s turn it up!

We open up with “Caught By The Wind” and we welcome the album in with some gentle, melodious guitar tones and light percussion…the hooks utilised here are quite basic but the simplicity is part of the songs charm, it’s quaint, it’s easy listening…it's textbook 'Phonics...there’s an innocence to it and as openers go it’s far from unpleasant, easing you into the album nicely. “Taken A Tumble” follows up and here we have a little more bite, though only fractionally. With a sound based more in indie and classic rock, it’s more stripped back, though with the key changes towards the tracks closing moments we’re given an enjoyable, climatic finish. Sadly however, highlights here are generally quite sparse to be perfectly honest…”Geronimo” for all its outlaw swagger and solid groove ends up feeling stuck in second gear, it lacks an edge and would benefit a strong, hard rock inspired chorus, unlike “Chances Are”…possibly the strongest track on offer, the build up here is wonderful; restrained for the most part, it gradually gets deeper, led by some decent riffs and a little more attitude…it struts its stuff all the way towards its well-executed crescendo, coupled with Kelly Jones’ trademark drawl, this is more like it, this is more like classic ‘Phonics and it’s a joy to listen to.

The rest of the tracks however are…well…lackadaisical at best…“What’s All The Fuss About?” for example is a brilliant question because I for one can’t really see it myself. At near six minutes it’s a yawn inducing dabble in soft jazz with blues elements and it really is dreary, especially with Jones’ painfully droned vocals…the same fate falls upon “All In One Night” and again it’s a monotonous, uninspired soundscape coming across as no better than boring. “Would You Believe?” is another brilliant question, as would you honestly believe these once feisty valleys rockers could peddle such lazily written indie-pop? This isn’t even middle of the road, they’ve pulled over in the lay-by for a fucking nap!…”Cryin’ In Your Beer” does it’s best to reignite your interest towards the end of the album with its brassy, bass-driven lively delivery but really it’s too little too late. Scream above the sounds? A more appropriate title would be loudly tut in disappointment over the sleepy sounds of mediocrity…I expected better…[4]