“It’s Christmas time...there’s no need to be afraid...”. Never has a lyric been sung so confidently, yet with such naivety, than that opening line of the BAND AID single “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”. The festive fear is in fact; justified. Yes, it’s that time of year, where retail stores, radios, adverts and office parties run through the Groundhog Day that is the classic Christmas soundtrack. The same tired, tested and tedious tracks year in year out, like some sort of glitch in Santa’s grotto, AKA an Amazon warehouse.
We’re in the year 2023, but the likes of MARIAH CAREY continue to emerge from their seasonal slumber, to sacrifice some poor souls, allowing her acidulous screeching's to earn her royalties. PAUL McCARTNEY spends an entire year trying to teach his choirboys just to sing “Ding Dong Ding Dong”... easily, undoubtedly the world’s shittiest choir. Come on lads, you’ve got TWO words to learn, put the priest's penis down and concentrate! I mean it can’t possibly get much worse? Surely? There’s no need to be afraid, right? Wrong. The following EP will make you wish you had coal in your stocking, and it caught fire, and burnt your house down, not only ruining your turkey, but killing your family too. We’re talking about SAM SMITH and the “A Lonely Christmas” EP.
Sam has been in the limelight quite a lot this year, be it collaborating with KIM PETRAS on super-single “Unholy”, which, credit where it’s due, became one of the year's biggest pop songs, while promoting the latest album “Gloria” ...or, be it through image and presentation via some abhorrent fashion choices. Now, let’s get this out of the way, I don’t particularly give a shit about pronouns, it all makes less sense to me than the cinnamon challenge, or eating Tide pods. Too many misinformed youngsters jumping on another bandwagon let’s be honest. If Sam wants to identify as a non-binary, he/she/they/them/it/what/the/actual/fuck then, that’s a they/them problem. Frankly pronouns are the least of his worries; I haven’t gotten to the music yet. “A Lonely Christmas” is less four tracks of merriment, more, four tracks of Mary, the DNA tests show that Joseph IS NOT THE FATHER!!!! (The audience gasps, Mary, you slag!). Like an audible Glasgow kiss under the mistletoe, let’s tackle this tinsel covered tragedy head on...
We open up with “Night Before Christmas” and I assure you not a creature is stirring here. They aren’t concerned about Santa catching them peeking, they are just bored shitless. It’s an incredibly cliched Christmas ballad, fuelled by slow percussion, the softest of bluesy guitar notes and delicate underlying piano keys. Sam’s husky vocals are delivered in a lulling, melodic fashion and it harks back to the likes of early ELVIS PRESLEY, while soulfully channelling MICHAEL BUBLE in its soft croon. As traditional as it may sound, let's be honest, the night before Christmas is typically filled with excitement, with wonder. You leave your milk, cookies and carrots out for Santa and his reindeer...but we all know they are on a full-on cocaine trip. If you think Santa can cover the globe in one night, on cookies, milk and carrots, maybe some mince pies, without copious amounts of cocaine, you belong with the children. Reindeers fly with magic ‘dust’, yeah? Oh, and you saw mommy kissing Santa Claus? She’s having an affair, your parents are getting divorced, but, you get two Christmases. Yay!
We follow up with “The Lighthouse Keeper”, and other than one solitary reference to Christmas, it’s a generic love-lorn ballad. Conceptually guiding a loved one home to your open arms. It’s sweet with its orchestral elements, traditional vibe and aesthetic, but Sam is so vocally beige. He tries to be soulful in his hushed presentation, but there are jokes in crackers with more life than this. You know how CHRIS REA is driving home for Christmas? Lost, every year? A sat-nav would fix his problems, get him home to his family, FINALLY...Sam bought a TomTom but with two very masculine names it was too cis male for him to cope with. An electronic device with a more confident gender identity is too much in 2023.
Next up we have “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”, of JUDY GARLAND fame. A truly nostalgic, festive classic, made even more famous by the likes of FRANK SINATRA etc. A timeless track, best delivered in that crackly, early Hollywood croon, and with that said, no, scrap that. Forget I even mentioned it. Sam warbles it like the worst rendition of “America The Beautiful” at Wrestlemania... seriously...every year artists perform it because Mr, McMahon prefers it to the star-spangled banner, but this is more like a scarred, strangled cat. He just emptied the jazz lounge, and Santa just phoned in sick. Hundreds of millions of kids are waiting for toys, and the Chinese children can't handle the overtime you prick! That’s how depressing this track is. Alright his voice carries well, with soulful vibrato...but it’s like, asking for Minecraft, and your grampa gets you Mein Kampf.
Finally, then we finish up on “Palace” ...no reference to Christmas, just an acoustic ballad about more love-loss, courtesy of some legitimately poetic lyrics. Quaint, but the same old, same old... over these four tracks, Sam never shifts out of first gear. A competent vocalist, I’ll concede, but here he’s a one-trick pony. Similar tones, similar keys, identical delivery; overall monotonous in his presentation, which sucks for the holidays. Sam has done well for himself, that’s undeniable, regardless of his fashion sense, but his music on this instance, is about as festive as breast cancer. We complain that artists from the last 40 to 50 years saturate the Christmas market, year in, year out, but when modern artists like Sam are putting out depressing drivel like this, you’re actually ok with WIZZARD. Christmas music is a strange phenomenon as it is...it’s either too cheesy, or too sad. Rarely you’ll find a song that genuinely makes you feel festive...Sam sadly falls on the sad side of that chocolate coin. If anyone enjoys this...you DESERVE a lonely Christmas to be honest...[1]
We’re in the year 2023, but the likes of MARIAH CAREY continue to emerge from their seasonal slumber, to sacrifice some poor souls, allowing her acidulous screeching's to earn her royalties. PAUL McCARTNEY spends an entire year trying to teach his choirboys just to sing “Ding Dong Ding Dong”... easily, undoubtedly the world’s shittiest choir. Come on lads, you’ve got TWO words to learn, put the priest's penis down and concentrate! I mean it can’t possibly get much worse? Surely? There’s no need to be afraid, right? Wrong. The following EP will make you wish you had coal in your stocking, and it caught fire, and burnt your house down, not only ruining your turkey, but killing your family too. We’re talking about SAM SMITH and the “A Lonely Christmas” EP.
Sam has been in the limelight quite a lot this year, be it collaborating with KIM PETRAS on super-single “Unholy”, which, credit where it’s due, became one of the year's biggest pop songs, while promoting the latest album “Gloria” ...or, be it through image and presentation via some abhorrent fashion choices. Now, let’s get this out of the way, I don’t particularly give a shit about pronouns, it all makes less sense to me than the cinnamon challenge, or eating Tide pods. Too many misinformed youngsters jumping on another bandwagon let’s be honest. If Sam wants to identify as a non-binary, he/she/they/them/it/what/the/actual/fuck then, that’s a they/them problem. Frankly pronouns are the least of his worries; I haven’t gotten to the music yet. “A Lonely Christmas” is less four tracks of merriment, more, four tracks of Mary, the DNA tests show that Joseph IS NOT THE FATHER!!!! (The audience gasps, Mary, you slag!). Like an audible Glasgow kiss under the mistletoe, let’s tackle this tinsel covered tragedy head on...
We open up with “Night Before Christmas” and I assure you not a creature is stirring here. They aren’t concerned about Santa catching them peeking, they are just bored shitless. It’s an incredibly cliched Christmas ballad, fuelled by slow percussion, the softest of bluesy guitar notes and delicate underlying piano keys. Sam’s husky vocals are delivered in a lulling, melodic fashion and it harks back to the likes of early ELVIS PRESLEY, while soulfully channelling MICHAEL BUBLE in its soft croon. As traditional as it may sound, let's be honest, the night before Christmas is typically filled with excitement, with wonder. You leave your milk, cookies and carrots out for Santa and his reindeer...but we all know they are on a full-on cocaine trip. If you think Santa can cover the globe in one night, on cookies, milk and carrots, maybe some mince pies, without copious amounts of cocaine, you belong with the children. Reindeers fly with magic ‘dust’, yeah? Oh, and you saw mommy kissing Santa Claus? She’s having an affair, your parents are getting divorced, but, you get two Christmases. Yay!
We follow up with “The Lighthouse Keeper”, and other than one solitary reference to Christmas, it’s a generic love-lorn ballad. Conceptually guiding a loved one home to your open arms. It’s sweet with its orchestral elements, traditional vibe and aesthetic, but Sam is so vocally beige. He tries to be soulful in his hushed presentation, but there are jokes in crackers with more life than this. You know how CHRIS REA is driving home for Christmas? Lost, every year? A sat-nav would fix his problems, get him home to his family, FINALLY...Sam bought a TomTom but with two very masculine names it was too cis male for him to cope with. An electronic device with a more confident gender identity is too much in 2023.
Next up we have “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”, of JUDY GARLAND fame. A truly nostalgic, festive classic, made even more famous by the likes of FRANK SINATRA etc. A timeless track, best delivered in that crackly, early Hollywood croon, and with that said, no, scrap that. Forget I even mentioned it. Sam warbles it like the worst rendition of “America The Beautiful” at Wrestlemania... seriously...every year artists perform it because Mr, McMahon prefers it to the star-spangled banner, but this is more like a scarred, strangled cat. He just emptied the jazz lounge, and Santa just phoned in sick. Hundreds of millions of kids are waiting for toys, and the Chinese children can't handle the overtime you prick! That’s how depressing this track is. Alright his voice carries well, with soulful vibrato...but it’s like, asking for Minecraft, and your grampa gets you Mein Kampf.
Finally, then we finish up on “Palace” ...no reference to Christmas, just an acoustic ballad about more love-loss, courtesy of some legitimately poetic lyrics. Quaint, but the same old, same old... over these four tracks, Sam never shifts out of first gear. A competent vocalist, I’ll concede, but here he’s a one-trick pony. Similar tones, similar keys, identical delivery; overall monotonous in his presentation, which sucks for the holidays. Sam has done well for himself, that’s undeniable, regardless of his fashion sense, but his music on this instance, is about as festive as breast cancer. We complain that artists from the last 40 to 50 years saturate the Christmas market, year in, year out, but when modern artists like Sam are putting out depressing drivel like this, you’re actually ok with WIZZARD. Christmas music is a strange phenomenon as it is...it’s either too cheesy, or too sad. Rarely you’ll find a song that genuinely makes you feel festive...Sam sadly falls on the sad side of that chocolate coin. If anyone enjoys this...you DESERVE a lonely Christmas to be honest...[1]
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