Once every year the cries of millions of British people can be heard, cringing at the knowledge that the month of May means it's time for the EUROVISION SONG CONTEST...it's seen by 200 million people annually and for all it's pomp and ridiculousness, it's a fucking huge televised event! But, why do we cringe? Well let's be honest, for several years now, not only are we all fully aware that the majority of voting is semi-political, with countries opting to vote for their neighbors other than strictly for musical merit which, doesn't aid us because, nobody likes the British :') and secondly...we've got a tendency to submit entries that, let's face it...suck. ELECTRO VELVET anyone? Nevertheless, really we have had little to no chance...well nowadays it's changed a little, with two separate votes...one Jury vote from each country...and THEN the public vote divided into popularity points...they tried this format last year where Ukrainian vocalist JAMALA won with her track "1944" which was really quite political itself...May 13th 2017, Ukraine hosted the 62nd contest in Kyiv and I've just finished watching it live, here is my review of the ESC2017...let's celebrate diversity...
Without wanting to go overly in depth I'll let it be known now; this year I went into the ESC totally blind, I'd done zero research this year so knew absolutely nothing regarding who made it to the final etc, so this was all totally fresh to me...and I don't want to waste too much time going over this years presenters...Oleksandr Skichko, Volodymyr Ostapchuk and Timur Miroshnychenko...aside from being difficult to pronounce, their struggle to be entertaining was clear and they were a bit naff...so straight onto the contest we go and it's ISRAEL who drew number 1 (I say it like it's a Royal Rumble PPV) with they're entry "I Feel Alive" by an artist called IMRI...on record this is a really strong song, it's a solid dance-pop track and he hit's some decent high notes, it's got a great beat, it's got a good melody, to kick things off it should have been brilliant...but live? No...I'm sorry his vocals just fell flat and it was a shame to be honest. 3rd out (I won't be going over all 26 countries I haven't got all day) was BELARUS and their song was equally up-beat but totally different. NAVIBAND were the performers with the song "Historyja Majho Zyccia" and it's a quaint little folk song, very jolly, very jovial but again, flawed by some slightly flat singing...this hampers a couple of songs tonight...
OG3NE are up on in 6th for the NETHERLANDS with a track called "Lights And Shadows" and it's a pleasant but straightforward girl-group number, in ways it's got soulful characteristics akin to DESTINY'S CHILD...it's OK but, easily forgotten...unlike MOLDOVA however, who come out 7th represented by SUNSTROKE PROJECT and the song "Hey Mamma"...this is the first real highlight of the night...it's a funky brass-driven pop banger...the saxophone is just infectious and this could be huge this Summertime, a real grower this one and THAT dance...this is my favorite so far, however simple it is! In at number 9 we had ITALY...the bookies favorite according to some, FRANCESCO GABBANI sang in half English, half Italian on "Occidentali's Karma"...which was a nice enough song, up-beat, again, sounding very positive...but here's the first weird one (there's always a weird one)...some dude in a Gorilla suit comes out and starts break-dancing on stage...like...OK...Harambe lives! Bizarre...
We're subject to an impressively miserable piece of music next, as PORTUGAL's entry, some soulless young lad by the name of SALVADOR SOBRAL bores the absolute shit out of me with his lackluster ballad "Amar Pelos Dois"...honestly this is depressing, like, forget putting people to sleep, this could put healthy dogs down! Luckily the mood is quickly saved by AZERBAIJAN and they're entry "Skeletons" by DIHAJ...this is incredible. The track is a super sultry 80's dark-wave throwback, with despairing synths and it's super catchy...imagine WITHIN TEMPTATION meets CHRISTINE AND THE QUEENS...it's brilliant...best track of the night, ignore the horse man on the step ladder...there were other big pop numbers that stood out too...NORWAY's entry JOWST delivered a great, light dance-pop effort with "Grab The Moment", while SWEDEN tried sticking to the JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE wannabe formula for their track "I Can't Go On" but, ROBIN BENGTSSON is no MANS ZELMERLOW...
Believe it or not, with no amount of bias, the UNITED KINGDOM had a genuinely strong entry this year...our young Welsh lass LUCIE JONES nailed her track "Never Give Up On You" with a powerful performance, it was honestly impressive, she's got a good voice on her...but you know who's got a great voice? CROATIA's JACQUES HOUDEK...on the CD, it's true, it sounds like a duet but no, it's just him! One dude! And once you get over the initial shock, "My Friend" becomes a brilliant track, he has an incredible vocal range, he's like, Pavorotti but Bi-polar...speaking of switches hosts UKRAINE entered the only rock act of the night tonight via O.TORVALD and the track "Time"...it's got a solid rhythm and finds itself mixed between 90's grunge and mid 2000's emo, vocally weaker live but the final climatic flurry was highly enjoyable. BELGIUM too have an enjoyable entry this year in "City Lights" by BLANCHE....but by god the 17yr old is so nervous, she's overwhelmed here and you can tell, her vocal is wavering and she barely moves but the song is a legit highlight...while elsewhere the Australians who are back again (I'm not explaining it again) have sent over their best HARRY STYLES wannabe...and the Romanian's combine yodeling with rap and fuck me it's surprisingly catchy...who would have thought that would ever be a thing? The majority of other finalists are ballads or just boring...so yes...26 countries entered, but, only one can win...if you don't want spoilers in case you've not watched it yet look away...now...
I was surprised for two main reasons....first and foremost, the UK actually did well! For the first half of the voting process we remained in the top 10 for the majority of the time, the points kept ticking along and we stayed within what looked like a decent chance for a strong finish at the end of it all! Thank you to Australia for their 12pts too! The independent juries scoring us well...however...the public vote was a different story...in the end we finished on 111pts which we can't really grumble, best tally in a long time that, well done Lucie...the BIGGEST surprise however, was that both the juries AND the public voted pretty much unanimously for one country in what was a landslide win...fucking Portugal (-_-) REALLY!?!?!?! Practically the most lifeless song here tonight...Salvador has zero stage presence, he's dull...it was just, such a boring song! How?!?!?! He had like 758pts!!! What a joke...regardless, the 2018 final will now likely be held in Lisbon...I'm tempted to go...but no amount of port will get the bitter taste from my mouth...what a disappointing night. Feels like the European Championship semi-final all over again...
Without wanting to go overly in depth I'll let it be known now; this year I went into the ESC totally blind, I'd done zero research this year so knew absolutely nothing regarding who made it to the final etc, so this was all totally fresh to me...and I don't want to waste too much time going over this years presenters...Oleksandr Skichko, Volodymyr Ostapchuk and Timur Miroshnychenko...aside from being difficult to pronounce, their struggle to be entertaining was clear and they were a bit naff...so straight onto the contest we go and it's ISRAEL who drew number 1 (I say it like it's a Royal Rumble PPV) with they're entry "I Feel Alive" by an artist called IMRI...on record this is a really strong song, it's a solid dance-pop track and he hit's some decent high notes, it's got a great beat, it's got a good melody, to kick things off it should have been brilliant...but live? No...I'm sorry his vocals just fell flat and it was a shame to be honest. 3rd out (I won't be going over all 26 countries I haven't got all day) was BELARUS and their song was equally up-beat but totally different. NAVIBAND were the performers with the song "Historyja Majho Zyccia" and it's a quaint little folk song, very jolly, very jovial but again, flawed by some slightly flat singing...this hampers a couple of songs tonight...
OG3NE are up on in 6th for the NETHERLANDS with a track called "Lights And Shadows" and it's a pleasant but straightforward girl-group number, in ways it's got soulful characteristics akin to DESTINY'S CHILD...it's OK but, easily forgotten...unlike MOLDOVA however, who come out 7th represented by SUNSTROKE PROJECT and the song "Hey Mamma"...this is the first real highlight of the night...it's a funky brass-driven pop banger...the saxophone is just infectious and this could be huge this Summertime, a real grower this one and THAT dance...this is my favorite so far, however simple it is! In at number 9 we had ITALY...the bookies favorite according to some, FRANCESCO GABBANI sang in half English, half Italian on "Occidentali's Karma"...which was a nice enough song, up-beat, again, sounding very positive...but here's the first weird one (there's always a weird one)...some dude in a Gorilla suit comes out and starts break-dancing on stage...like...OK...Harambe lives! Bizarre...
We're subject to an impressively miserable piece of music next, as PORTUGAL's entry, some soulless young lad by the name of SALVADOR SOBRAL bores the absolute shit out of me with his lackluster ballad "Amar Pelos Dois"...honestly this is depressing, like, forget putting people to sleep, this could put healthy dogs down! Luckily the mood is quickly saved by AZERBAIJAN and they're entry "Skeletons" by DIHAJ...this is incredible. The track is a super sultry 80's dark-wave throwback, with despairing synths and it's super catchy...imagine WITHIN TEMPTATION meets CHRISTINE AND THE QUEENS...it's brilliant...best track of the night, ignore the horse man on the step ladder...there were other big pop numbers that stood out too...NORWAY's entry JOWST delivered a great, light dance-pop effort with "Grab The Moment", while SWEDEN tried sticking to the JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE wannabe formula for their track "I Can't Go On" but, ROBIN BENGTSSON is no MANS ZELMERLOW...
Believe it or not, with no amount of bias, the UNITED KINGDOM had a genuinely strong entry this year...our young Welsh lass LUCIE JONES nailed her track "Never Give Up On You" with a powerful performance, it was honestly impressive, she's got a good voice on her...but you know who's got a great voice? CROATIA's JACQUES HOUDEK...on the CD, it's true, it sounds like a duet but no, it's just him! One dude! And once you get over the initial shock, "My Friend" becomes a brilliant track, he has an incredible vocal range, he's like, Pavorotti but Bi-polar...speaking of switches hosts UKRAINE entered the only rock act of the night tonight via O.TORVALD and the track "Time"...it's got a solid rhythm and finds itself mixed between 90's grunge and mid 2000's emo, vocally weaker live but the final climatic flurry was highly enjoyable. BELGIUM too have an enjoyable entry this year in "City Lights" by BLANCHE....but by god the 17yr old is so nervous, she's overwhelmed here and you can tell, her vocal is wavering and she barely moves but the song is a legit highlight...while elsewhere the Australians who are back again (I'm not explaining it again) have sent over their best HARRY STYLES wannabe...and the Romanian's combine yodeling with rap and fuck me it's surprisingly catchy...who would have thought that would ever be a thing? The majority of other finalists are ballads or just boring...so yes...26 countries entered, but, only one can win...if you don't want spoilers in case you've not watched it yet look away...now...
I was surprised for two main reasons....first and foremost, the UK actually did well! For the first half of the voting process we remained in the top 10 for the majority of the time, the points kept ticking along and we stayed within what looked like a decent chance for a strong finish at the end of it all! Thank you to Australia for their 12pts too! The independent juries scoring us well...however...the public vote was a different story...in the end we finished on 111pts which we can't really grumble, best tally in a long time that, well done Lucie...the BIGGEST surprise however, was that both the juries AND the public voted pretty much unanimously for one country in what was a landslide win...fucking Portugal (-_-) REALLY!?!?!?! Practically the most lifeless song here tonight...Salvador has zero stage presence, he's dull...it was just, such a boring song! How?!?!?! He had like 758pts!!! What a joke...regardless, the 2018 final will now likely be held in Lisbon...I'm tempted to go...but no amount of port will get the bitter taste from my mouth...what a disappointing night. Feels like the European Championship semi-final all over again...
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