Now as you’re probably very aware by this point, I don’t really cover much (If any) rap music within these pages, so you’d be right to assume that, it’s not an area I have a great deal of expertise in. I see and hear artists like DRAKE who just mumble their way through life delivering THE most boring tracks you could hear outside of shoegaze and stoner doom metal…seriously how is he so popular? Forget “Hotline Bling” I’d rather block your number AND make myself deaf just to be safe. KANYE WEST is just Kanye West there’s no real explanation for that man, words genuinely evade me, and then there’s guys like 6IX9INE who look like they’ve held fucking Picasso at gunpoint and demanded “Make me famous!”…not even Bob Ross could find happiness in that shit…it’s like he fell asleep and a kid drew on his face in permanent marker and he hasn’t realised yet.
Anyway I’m getting of track now…on my last reader’s poll, despite my lack of knowledge of rap both musically and culturally, you voted for me to check out “Kamikaze”, the surprise new album by EMINEM…and this got me thinking. How am I going to fairly review an album with my own sense of conviction when I have absolutely no idea how to approach it in the first place? The answer is, truthfully, I can’t…but what I can TRY and do is be creative with it. So with that in mind, and forgive me for what you’re about to read, I’m going to attempt to write a RAP, about Shady’s new record and use that as my review. I may or may not pull this off, I don’t even know if this has been done before, but, here we go…somebody give me a sick beat…
“Don’t call it a comeback, it’s more like a revival…that was the plan at least but like a priest he only prayed for survival; cast out out-cast and left in the shade, Shady was left in the dark, like a shadow of his former self and the contrast was stark…you can take your Skylar Grey’s and your Beyonce’s and all collaborations…all your Ed Sheeran’s and your Pink’s and think Marshall tried a bit hard to get over, too many over estimations? High expectations? You could say we had plenty but the feedback on the last tracks left Shady’s blood boil fucking higher than 4:20. It was slim pickings for positives with critics shitting on legacies putting slim way past his prime and about as relevant as any of Kim’s last pregnancies…all these new kids on the block they were part of the issue; grandpa Mathers didn’t matter no more his new material was more like old scar tissue…Lil Pump, Post Malone, Cardi B, on the throne; a new generation of hip-hop was now on-top and wouldn’t throw him a bone but this got under his skin, he’s got a bone to pick with EVERYBODY; if there’s anyone it’s NO ONE who can claim to call him nobody and so with that in mind, you can all go fuck the revival…he’s in the cock-pit cocked back kamikaze aimed straight for his rivals…
We open up with “The Ringer” but he aint dead, there’s no love-lost for no one, there’s only one Shady and he’s brighter than ALL those that think that they outshone THIS rap god; lyrically spitting bars like a machine gun but don’t mention Kelly, “Shots Fired” but didn’t even hit the mark on this album, that’s how relevant YOU are son…with a slow beat and a stop start to the tracks pace Slim puts you ALL in your place and this is just song ONE, unlucky for you we got thirteen to get through we’ve only just begun. “Greatest” is an oxymoron; as he raises the bar with his own bars and his blistering lyrics, but musically this loop is just lazy and just encourages cynics…making his point on the poorest of choruses, but that’s the whole point that he’s making; his songs slaying even with beats weaker than osteoporosis. “Stepping Stone” is much bigger on melody and humble beginnings, the have’s and the have not’s and why with hindsight that he’s swinging for the young blood, who all swung at him first, this aint about cheap heat like he had with the Moby’s and the Fred Durst’s…he’s learned from his mistakes and he’s making amends but Eminem equals longevity while you’re nothing but trends.
Elsewhere you’ve got a title track bordering on cartoonish but to overlook his statements just makes you look every bit the more foolish; it’s kamikaze for a reason kid and he’s nose-dived, nose to nose with his foes and there’s no remorse as his rap thrives…more Oompa Loompa than Oompah though musically insane it harks back to “The Eminem Show” guess who's back, back again, but if you don’t want the nonsense then he's no longer Mr "Nice Guy", until Jessie Reyez wraps her vocal chords around this rap and you think THAT was your best try? Honestly man it's like she autotuned herself so sound like that time when her own fucking cat died...
The album in general though is militant, and these millennial rappers just got Court Martialed by Mathers and the message is fucking simple you don’t fuck with the rap god…form is temporary but class is far more than some gold plated iPod, you material rappers couldn’t rap your way out of wet paper bag and honestly? That’s odd; you make comments on the condition of Em’s relevance, lacking any understanding and any sense of benevolence but you’re just wasting time just as much as you’re wasting his oxygen, Slim Shady’s the grand oak tree and your no more than an acrogen...the disdain is toxic like a stain on all rap, a bit like “Venom” at the end of the album coming straight off of the soundtrack…it lacks a purpose or conviction, and legit don’t belong, leave that shit for a B-side or just the special edition, there’s no marvel to THIS song…overall I'd give the record a score above six but that's a bit strong." [6]
Anyway I’m getting of track now…on my last reader’s poll, despite my lack of knowledge of rap both musically and culturally, you voted for me to check out “Kamikaze”, the surprise new album by EMINEM…and this got me thinking. How am I going to fairly review an album with my own sense of conviction when I have absolutely no idea how to approach it in the first place? The answer is, truthfully, I can’t…but what I can TRY and do is be creative with it. So with that in mind, and forgive me for what you’re about to read, I’m going to attempt to write a RAP, about Shady’s new record and use that as my review. I may or may not pull this off, I don’t even know if this has been done before, but, here we go…somebody give me a sick beat…
“Don’t call it a comeback, it’s more like a revival…that was the plan at least but like a priest he only prayed for survival; cast out out-cast and left in the shade, Shady was left in the dark, like a shadow of his former self and the contrast was stark…you can take your Skylar Grey’s and your Beyonce’s and all collaborations…all your Ed Sheeran’s and your Pink’s and think Marshall tried a bit hard to get over, too many over estimations? High expectations? You could say we had plenty but the feedback on the last tracks left Shady’s blood boil fucking higher than 4:20. It was slim pickings for positives with critics shitting on legacies putting slim way past his prime and about as relevant as any of Kim’s last pregnancies…all these new kids on the block they were part of the issue; grandpa Mathers didn’t matter no more his new material was more like old scar tissue…Lil Pump, Post Malone, Cardi B, on the throne; a new generation of hip-hop was now on-top and wouldn’t throw him a bone but this got under his skin, he’s got a bone to pick with EVERYBODY; if there’s anyone it’s NO ONE who can claim to call him nobody and so with that in mind, you can all go fuck the revival…he’s in the cock-pit cocked back kamikaze aimed straight for his rivals…
We open up with “The Ringer” but he aint dead, there’s no love-lost for no one, there’s only one Shady and he’s brighter than ALL those that think that they outshone THIS rap god; lyrically spitting bars like a machine gun but don’t mention Kelly, “Shots Fired” but didn’t even hit the mark on this album, that’s how relevant YOU are son…with a slow beat and a stop start to the tracks pace Slim puts you ALL in your place and this is just song ONE, unlucky for you we got thirteen to get through we’ve only just begun. “Greatest” is an oxymoron; as he raises the bar with his own bars and his blistering lyrics, but musically this loop is just lazy and just encourages cynics…making his point on the poorest of choruses, but that’s the whole point that he’s making; his songs slaying even with beats weaker than osteoporosis. “Stepping Stone” is much bigger on melody and humble beginnings, the have’s and the have not’s and why with hindsight that he’s swinging for the young blood, who all swung at him first, this aint about cheap heat like he had with the Moby’s and the Fred Durst’s…he’s learned from his mistakes and he’s making amends but Eminem equals longevity while you’re nothing but trends.
Elsewhere you’ve got a title track bordering on cartoonish but to overlook his statements just makes you look every bit the more foolish; it’s kamikaze for a reason kid and he’s nose-dived, nose to nose with his foes and there’s no remorse as his rap thrives…more Oompa Loompa than Oompah though musically insane it harks back to “The Eminem Show” guess who's back, back again, but if you don’t want the nonsense then he's no longer Mr "Nice Guy", until Jessie Reyez wraps her vocal chords around this rap and you think THAT was your best try? Honestly man it's like she autotuned herself so sound like that time when her own fucking cat died...
The album in general though is militant, and these millennial rappers just got Court Martialed by Mathers and the message is fucking simple you don’t fuck with the rap god…form is temporary but class is far more than some gold plated iPod, you material rappers couldn’t rap your way out of wet paper bag and honestly? That’s odd; you make comments on the condition of Em’s relevance, lacking any understanding and any sense of benevolence but you’re just wasting time just as much as you’re wasting his oxygen, Slim Shady’s the grand oak tree and your no more than an acrogen...the disdain is toxic like a stain on all rap, a bit like “Venom” at the end of the album coming straight off of the soundtrack…it lacks a purpose or conviction, and legit don’t belong, leave that shit for a B-side or just the special edition, there’s no marvel to THIS song…overall I'd give the record a score above six but that's a bit strong." [6]
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