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Ding Dong Probably - "Up In Heaven, Down In Heck"

11/8/2017

24 Comments

 
Picture
When I initially created this blog back in 2014, one of the main things I wanted to do was highlight an array of new bands and promote new local music as much as I could…South Wales has always had a vibrant scene full of up and coming musicians, a vast talent pool of unsigned artists just waiting to make a name for themselves, the likes of REAPER IN SICILY and CLEAR THE AUDITORIUM for example showed huge promise, while THE DIRTY YOUTH and HOLDING ABSENCE have become two of the hottest bands in the UK…but like most things in life, there’s always been balance…for every Shawn Michaels, there is a Marty Jannetty. In terms of music, sadly that’s not a good thing…if you’re a regular reader of this blog you are probably well aware of the difficulties I’ve faced with home grown talent…bands like NOO5E (that’s a Vietnam style, PTSD inducing flashback if ever there was one) and the fucking Voldemort of Welsh punk bands, BANKRUPT PUG (seriously just uttering their name broke one of the seals to open the gates of hell just then) have subject me to some of the toughest challenges of my time as a reviewer…I never back down from a challenge however and often the resulting (and more often than not negative) review can be quite comical / borderline slandering…sadly…this seems to be a reoccurring issue. Recently, I received an email that opened up with “Hello beloved Gavin”…I’m already scared…the second thing I notice is that it’s by a band calling themselves DING DONG PROBABLY…(I shit you not). Hailing from Neath, the hardcore punk 3-piece sent me a link to their new album; “Up In Heaven, Down In Heck”…it’s TWENTY NINE TRACKS LONG…what the actual fuck have I gotten myself into this time?!

The album, and I use that term loosely, starts off with the epic nine second opener “One Chord & The Truth”…just like the lyrics suggest, the trio are clearly on drugs and I don’t mean the odd spliff…before we’re met with first track proper, the tongue in cheek “Ding Dong Probably”…lyrics about doorbells and starting the best band in the world, albeit a drunken decision…very much a song of split personality, initially very basic but, when it gets going it’s actually decently crafted punk rock…musically at least…which is why I conclude after listening to the whole thing, that this album is really fucking disappointing…let me explain. When you’ve got an album 29 tracks long, you’d hope to god that there was SOMETHING hidden within its 28min run time that would be worth listening to? Yes you did read that right, despite the number of tracks it’s still less than half hour long, it’s one of those punk albums…and in all fairness, quite frankly, very surprisingly if I’m honest, it does have its highlights…”Coffee Punks” ticks all the typical punk rock boxes with it’s short, abrasive and angry tone, ranting at hipsters, vegan carrot cake and card machines…random, yes but it IS punk rock…”I Saw A Goth” is one of the most random 10 seconds you’ll ever find on ANY record…more of a tongue in cheek slice of social commentary, questioning the authenticity of rain fearing goths…it’s quite funny for what it’s worth, a bit of a rib, while “Lone Pine Mall” actually has structure! More vocal harmony, clear distinction between verse and chorus…fuck me it sounds like an actual song! The same can be said for “He’s A Little Prince If Anything”…a song about a dog…repetitive but, at least it has catchy qualities, while “The Ballad Of Leatherface” isn’t as it seems…instead of a horror parody, it’s about a local leather faced, toothless hag who lives for Bargain Booze and Wetherspoons…charming, I’m sure she’s honoured…well done Lesley you’re famous! I’m struggling for positive points now, but I have to mention “I Still Remember The California Games”…a throwback for all the retro Nintendo kids, its got nostalgic value…and Stephen Hawking-esque intro…I’m sold.

The rest of the album…or…menagerie of mentally deranged song content as is more appropriate, is so fucking off-kilter! “Cum Buffet” for example…an ode to cheap party food instead of fancy middle class snack-sized delights, they long for a sausage roll and some quiche, none of your fancy canapés…they may be fighting their own just cause but I’m fighting to stop myself hitting the stop button…”Never Happened” is 7 seconds you need to hear because I simply cannot begin to describe other than with a slow, confused WTF?! While “Rainbow Slug”…I just don’t know, I honestly don’t know. Musically…as the punk band they claim they are, they deliver, some of the snippets of music offered up here are at least aesthetically on point within the confines of their chosen genre, some of it actually IS performed with an ounce of authenticity and can therefore be appreciated…HOWEVER…frustratingly, when you need to drop acid to get your head around a record, you know you’re in for a rough time…I don’t even mean in the cool 1970’s hippie free-loving era of drug fuelled rock and roll…I just mean these guys are fucking mental and this album should only be approached if you fancy something really different. Ding Dong Probably? I probably need counselling after that…[2]

www.dingdongprobably.bandcamp.com
24 Comments
Haile Selassie The First
6/9/2017 09:49:05 pm

Dear beloved Gav,

I fear that you, like clocks, may indeed be a Tool of Babylon.

Warmest regards,

Haile Selassie The First
(Not a Tool of Babylon)

Reply
Aaron Salter
6/9/2017 10:14:01 pm

Dear beloved Gav,

I enjoyed this review. I was a fan of the Ding Dong Probably record but I also appreciate that it's not for everyone and I can see that you've made a genuine effort to be objective which I think is nice. I also enjoy your writing style.

Unfortunately I will not be reading any further publications from you as; while I'm all for people having an opinion and a right to express it; I can't in good conscious forgive anyone talking shit about Marty Jannety.

Marty Jannety worked hard and was instrumental in the success of Shawn Michaels. Where would Simon be without Garfunkal? Where would Armstrong be without Aldrin? Where would Grant be without Phil?

In this crazy world we live in; someone has to be number 2 and that's alright. Marty has been through enough without people taking shots at him; it's not his fault that compared to Shawn Michaels he was shit. He didn't stand a chance!

I wish you well in your future endeavours but alas; I will not be reading them.

Warmest regards

Aaron Salter (Not a tool of Babylon)

Reply
Shawn Michaels
6/9/2017 10:23:20 pm

Jannety is a coward and he dived through that barber shop window just to get away from me, and you know it

Reply
leesly naeth
6/9/2017 10:18:42 pm

asodA8a8a9a("3"e"

Reply
Flat earther
6/9/2017 10:21:17 pm

The world is flat as fuck

Reply
Richard Hill's Postman
6/9/2017 10:27:03 pm

Hello beloved Gavin,

I thought it was shit as well.

Regards.


Reply
Thomas jefford
6/9/2017 10:29:30 pm

Dear beloved Gav.
To rate this album properly, you need to first of all let go of all you knew before.
You can only rate this album on a scale of 1 to Neath.
To do so anyother way you will wake the beast of cimla common, he stirs already, causing sinkholes in the streets, soon the other signs will come.
You will hear the beast roar, and he will come to your door, with a ding dong, probably.

Reply
Baxter daniels
6/9/2017 10:31:18 pm

Dear gav,
Who you calling a dog?

Regards
Baxter ( the little prince)

Reply
A Coffee Punk
6/9/2017 11:10:04 pm

Dear beloved Gav,

Were you aware we haven't got a fucking card machine?

Warm regards,

The Proprietor.

Reply
Dingdologist1
7/9/2017 08:05:41 am

Dear beloved Gav,
To not like this album is to say you like cheeseboards at weddings, to not like this album is to say you think the world is round. To not like this album is to say you understand goths sheltering from the rain. To not like this album is to say postmen shouldn't take pride in their work. To not like this album is to say you don't remember the California games.
If the glove doesn't fit, acquit.
The only ologist is a dingdologist.
One of us, one of us, one of us and so forth.

Reply
Michael Sheen
7/9/2017 10:13:35 am

Dear Beloved Gav

I write this as I book my flights back to Hollywood. I never realised before but the weather really is much nicer there.

I will be listening to my hard worn copy of 'Up in Heaven, Down in Heck' all the way there. I suggest you reconsider your viewpoint, as this is undoubtedly the best thing to come out of Neath since the Cimla Gusher boarded a train to Baglan.

Regards

Michael Sheen

PS. No one does give a fuck about Blade Runner

Reply
Benedict Cumberbatch
7/9/2017 01:21:36 pm

Hello Michael!

Fancy seeing you here. Shocking lack of cum in this article isn't there?

Anyway, see you in Hollywood!

Benedict

Reply
Itsa Me, Mario
7/9/2017 01:17:21 pm

Dinga Donga isa lika Sega. Nota asa gooda asa Nintendoa.

Reply
Benedict Cumberbatch
7/9/2017 01:19:00 pm

Dear beloved Gav,

I don't like music so this article did very little for me. I'm willing to keep supporting you for now but please provide more cum-based content for me and the many others like me who wait for you to deliver.

The word 'cum' was only used once in this piece, and even that was in quotation marks! It's simply not good enough. I'm sure the song 'Cum Buffet' has plenty of uses of the word, but as I said I do not like music so I will have to stick to your blog as my sole resource for now.

You're being selfish if anything. It's lazy journalism and we expect better from you.

Warm regards,

Benedict Cumberbatch

Reply
A Pretentious Type
7/9/2017 03:43:49 pm

Dear Beloved Gav,

The review said it all but quite frankly there was not enough mention of the Musicality. Not once did I see you mention tonal shifting, the use of the note 'B Sharp'. The correlation between these and the times in which we live. Finally there is no mention of 'I Hate my Postman' which is an hilarious send up of Postal workers judging you based on how you answer the door. Otherwise this review would've have probably done the band the justice they so deserve credit for.

Kindest Regards,

Someone who can't do your job

Reply
Nev H
7/9/2017 04:59:21 pm

This review never happened.

Reply
Parade diner
7/9/2017 05:25:59 pm

Hi beloved Gav,
Have you ever had a mixed kebab from us?
Text back soon

Reply
Never happened
7/9/2017 11:13:02 pm

Dear beloved gav.

I heard that you listened to the album. To this It say never happened. It doesn't matter that you didn't like it. We are all going to be dust anyway. Does matter if you are capitalist or communist doesn't fucking matter. Candlestick or rope doesn't fucking matter

Reply
A Goth
8/9/2017 01:33:34 am

"Mam, can you come pick me up?"

*indistinct mumbling*

"Port Talbot"

*indistinct mumbling*

"No Mam."

*indistinct mumbling*

"NO MAM! IT'S RAINING!"

Reply
Michael Jackson
8/9/2017 03:21:07 pm

Cha'mone... heee heee

This album is really inventive chamone. It brought me many hours of joy and laughter.

Last time I laughed this hard was the time a man from Briton Ferry told me he had gout.

CHAMONE

Reply
Alistair Crowley
8/9/2017 05:47:50 pm

Is this THE Michael Jackson? From Skewen? If it's the other less famous one then Satan wants you to get off the computer and start shovelling.

Reply
Aleister Crowley
8/9/2017 06:00:16 pm

Dearest Beloved Gav,

Myself, H.P Lovecraft and Edgar Allen Poe are big fans of the blog. I would like to only say that the soon to be famous Ding Dong Probably (I've consulted with the seer stones and they agree) are correct in their macabre tome entitled 'I saw a Goth'. We would indeed walk in the rain.

Kind regards

A well known Gothic figure

Reply
Robert Smith
8/9/2017 08:15:47 pm

Dear beloved Gav,
See all that rain?
But im dry as fuck.

Reply
Hardcore Henry
9/9/2017 12:00:06 am

Dear beloved Gav,

Look what your review has started!

It's like an episode of Friends in here.

Regards,

H x

Reply



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    Gavin J Griffiths, a.k.a GavTheGothicChav, lover of new music and supporter of bands. Inspired by a mixture of horror and comedy, and fueled by a blend of alcohol and sarcasm...if you're a singer / in a band and would like a review written up, please do get in touch via the email address at the top of the page and I'll get back to you ASAP. Much love x

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