Beige; such a vibrant colour…it’s got so much depth and character, it’s such an interesting and thought-provoking colour…said absolutely NO ONE ever. Beige is usually only found in the unused dust covered section of the B&Q paint chart, or in the mug-shots of Burberry-clad young offenders, but more often than not it’s used descriptively as a negative, aimed at only the blandest, most unexciting things you can think of…and this is where today’s band comes in; let me introduce you to a band called SCRATCH.

Yep, that’s right, Scratch…just Scratch, what an utterly unimaginative name…people mock HIM but at least that’s representative of the occult, but Scratch? I mean, scratch what? My arse? I dread to think of the names you thought WEREN’T good enough! Anyway we’ve only just scratched the surface…see what I did there? THAT’S ABOUT AS GOOD A USE FOR YOUR NAME AS ANY! PUNS! I digress…the band consists of members Ruzbeh Irani and Avinash Lalwani, (Ruz and Avi for short) and not only are they band mates, but childhood friends, yet what DOES make things interesting, is the fact they live thousands of miles apart, in New York and Perth, Australia respectively! This however, is literally all the info we’re given…you may think they were keeping the initial email brief, but no! I’ve checked their Facebook profile AND their actual website and that’s ALL the information! Even their bio is beige! It’s like they aren’t even trying! I’m losing interest already, but, it IS their debut EP so I’ll put it down to inexperience…what’s the EP called…”Scratch”…it’s self-titled…DAMNIT ARE YOU THAT PROUD OF THAT NAME!?!?! Let’s check it out before I burst a blood vessel…

We open up with “Soak” (I'm surprised it wasn't "Sniff") and initially it’s as though we’re heading into country blues-rock territory, but it quickly erupts with a grandiose post-rock dose of tinny guitar and percussion…the vocals are interesting in the sense that, while initially weak, they are belted out in the chorus, giving the track multiple personalities. The pitch of the backing vocals in places however is excruciating, and over its five minutes it crams in a fair amount of style, simultaneously sounding like it’s lost somewhere between U2, RADIOHEAD the PSYCHEDELIC FURS, there’s a very alternative 90’s vibe to this. “Newer Things” follows up and continues the soft vocal delivery over some light indie tones, before again cranking it up for the chorus, allowing for more vigour and general energy from the instrumentation with a slightly more distorted guitar sound, it’s quite 50/50 really.

Next up we have “I Don’t Mind” and they’re happy to point out that it’s the first song they wrote as a band and that it’s one of their favourites…carrying forward the initial soft country blues tone to the guitar, coupled with the mellow vocals, it’s got that saloon vibe to it…you can picture the montage right now; the lone outlaw slowly strolling into town at dawn, drinking liquor and smoking cigars…the subtle attitude of the electric guitar creating an aura of suspense and this is easily the best track on the EP right here, before we finish up on “The Key”.  A slow, methodical and utterly lifeless track that just drones on pointlessly with a repetitive riff and a grating, brassy guitar tone, seriously it’s so drowsy…that is until the intense almost punk-rock flurry of the chorus, but sadly these elements don’t complement each other, oh no, this song just feels broken…descending into a barrage of noise at the tracks climax. Was the key in question referring to the intake of cocaine? Because this song literally sounds like they did a studio take of before and after sniffing…ultimately Scratch sound like a band with a multitude of influences, but they’ve yet to settle on an idea as to what they want their sound to be…this sounds very trial and error. Truthfully they’d make a genuinely decent shoegaze based, blues country outfit should they keep things mellow and melodic, but the jarring rock instrumentation and rough vocals don’t benefit them at all. I guess you could say that, they should…start from scratch, which reminds me…FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKS SAKE CHANGE YOUR NAME! [3]

In the past I’ve touched upon how some professional wrestlers or, WWE Superstars, embark on musical careers outside of the squared circle; we can all agree that Chris Jericho is doing remarkably well with FOZZY (In all fairness Chris Jericho does remarkably well at everything he’s the motherfucking GOAT), while Jeff Hardy prefers the underground artistic freedom of expression with his band PEROXWHY?GEN (The presentation of that word still makes me feel like I’ve been driven through a Spanish announce table). However it’s rare when you can say that the WWE have fully invested in a character within kayfabe, to the point that they personally back a musical project to further strengthen a gimmick on screen. John Cena was given this treatment when he dropped his hip-hop album “You Can’t See Me” back in 2005 but, he was THE man, he was the one getting the push so it was to be expected…so it speaks volumes for how the company see’s ELIAS in 2018.

Elias (Real name Jeffrey Scuillo) has been part of WWE since joining NXT in 2014 and over the past couple of years has been developing his ‘drifter’ character, slowly but surely moving up to his current position on the Raw roster. More famed for his promo segments than his in-ring accomplishments, he can always be found with his guitar in hand attempting to sing to the crowd in each city visited, often in a degrading manner with a heel persona, before usually being interrupted by other superstars. The trouble is, despite being a heel in theory, his character and dry, sarcastic humour have won over the vast majority of the audience and he’s more often than not cheered, with the crowd fully aware that WWE now stands for ‘Walk With Elias’…in fact, he’s gotten so over, that WWE have backed him to the extent that they’ve allowed him to record a genuine EP, so with that… silence your cellphones, hold your applause and shut your mouths as we “Walk With Elias”…

The EP opens up with the elegantly titled “The Ballad Of Every Town I’ve Ever Been To” and it’s this track that’s essentially the foundation of Elias’ character on screen. A play on old songs such as “I’ve Been Everywhere” by GEOFF MACK made famous by LUCKY STARR, also later JOHNNY CASH, it highlight’s every town he’s had the misfortune of performing in, twisting the style to fit his heelish persona, but retaining the old acoustic, country charm. Rich in both melody and melancholy, all the while mocking each town, it makes for some classic cheap heat; wonderfully delivered. “Elias’ Words” utilises a similar approach with the country-blues inspired feel, really paying homage to the original southern style with his spoken word lyrical delivery, heavy on smarmy self-importance and portraying his character brilliantly.

“Nothing I Can’t Do” switches things up with a sombre piano ballad showcasing he’s far from a one-trick pony and has more moves than John Cena…lyrically self-aware, he displays a subtle arrogance to further that heel heat as he sings that he wrote this song on a piano, just to show you that he could, because he’s better than you, there is literally nothing he can’t do and with the exception of only tone, it’s a great comedy song, before closing track “Walk With Me” returns to the acoustic, blues style complete with husky drawl and emotive guitar solo channelling the likes of Orbison and Clapton. As far as anticipated releases go it’s safe to say that, this isn’t up there on the list, but for fans of WWE and Elias especially this is a great addition for collectors and also a superb extension of Elias’ character…it’s not ground-breaking musically but it does its job perfectly and credit to Elias’ and WWE especially for making this happen, such is their faith in him with the product. Forget walking with Elias, WWE have taken the gimmick and ran with it and it’s paying off, you just wish he was mocking your town too. [6]

That awkward moment when your girl asks you over for ‘Netflix & Chill’ but the Netflix is so good that the chill doesn’t happen…this, my friends, is what happens when you discover “Stranger Things”. Only two seasons strong, the Netflix original has garnered one of the strongest cult followings in recent TV history with its throwback 80’s tones and quaint sense of pop-culture nostalgia, combining sci-fi and low-key horror with classic teen-flick vibes, all wrapped up in homage to the likes of Stephen King. One of its main strengths is it’s incredible young cast and today we’re going to be focusing on one in particular; Finn Wolfhard. Now still only 15 years old the Canadian has shown some incredibly impressive acting chops not only with his drama and emotional skills in Stranger Things, but also in the remake of the aforementioned Stephen King’s “IT”, where he got to embrace a more comedic role and pulled it off brilliantly.

This isn’t Cinemassacre however and  we’re not here to review movies, but luckily Finn is a young lad of many talents and it’s here I’m going to point you in the direction of a band by the name of CALPURNIA, which he somehow finds the time for between film and TV! Founded in Vancouver just last year by Finn (Who’s on guitar and vocals) plus drummer Malcolm Craig, the band is completed by guitarist / vocalist Ayla Tesler-Mabe and bassist Jack Anderson, and they have already released a debut EP of original content entitled “Scout”. The question is, at their young age, do we find ourselves with another HANSON or heaven forbid, AARON CARTER? Let’s find out…

The EP opens up with a track called “Louie” and to my surprise we’ve got this restrained, stripped back, blues country type piece, but it also utilises a subtle, almost Caribbean tone; rich in its tinny-guitar and lulling ambiance. It’s an unexpectedly mature sound (Unless it’s been inspired by Spongebob) and nowhere near the energetic, colourful indie-pop I was expecting. The rawness of the track is hammered home by Finn’s vocals which here sound their weakest from a production perspective, but it only adds to the tracks character, really embracing the original feel for minimalist bluegrass. “Wasting Time” maintains the overall tone musically but here we have a little more of that energy I expected, embracing more of an early rock ‘n’ roll feel and it’s got a genuinely solid guitar solo to boot; this is much better.

“Greyhound” is a twee, melodic, up-beat track that’s disguising a certain sadness, as the story finds our character following a break up, travelling to a show alone after buying two tickets, you can feel his disappointment…the accompanying video too has a simple but effective message portraying everyone in life has a different path, but it’s all about the journey in the end as life always tends to work out eventually. Lead single “City Boy” returns to that raw, bluesy tone but has a simple but enjoyable chorus with gang vocals and happy-go-lucky vibe. “Blame” and “Waves” then round off the EP with a quirky, up-tempo indie piece and a more, relaxed, shoegaze inspired track respectively; the latter allowing Ayla to take a more prominent role vocally. Ultimately as I said previously the sound they’ve gone for is far more mature than what could have been expected and I don’t mean that with any sense of detriment…there’s zero sign of any commercial manufacturing here and it shows it’s not just a PR ploy to make Finn even more famous, this is about a BAND, not just Finn and that needs to be highlighted. They’ve written this EP the way THEY wanted it, and while it’s a little rough around the edges, if it’s something they want to stick at, working around Finn’s acting schedule, they have all the genuine potential to be a solid blues rock band; the talent is already there it just needs a little fine tuning. Let’s just hope Finn’s not eaten by a Demogorgon or some shit in Stranger Things season 3, or this project might find itself upside down too. [5]

Word of mouth can be a powerful tool (Crying ‘rape’ being a prime example) and it used to be the backbone of the alternative music community if you will…long before the days of the internet, you’ve heard of how rock and metal fans would have to swap mix tapes and records etc. to keep up to date with what was happening in music, relying on your good friend or source to learn who was up and coming, who was the next big thing, who just dropped a sick EP…well those days may seem like a distant memory, but word of mouth can still introduce you to some wonderful people. Take today’s band for instance; SECOND SELF.

The Cheltenham based 4-piece (Consisting of vocalist Simon Bond, guitarist Janek Davies, bassist Barny Barnfield and drummer Pablo Rodriguez) got in touch with me personally after mutual friend and 50 BELOW PROMOTIONS booker Robert Tite (He puts on some sweet gigs and I wholeheartedly encourage you to go check them out) suggested me, as they were looking for reviews. They’re preparing to release their debut self-titled EP and have kindly asked me to give it a listen…full of second self-worth or should they have second-guessed my handling of it all? Let’s find out…

The EP opens up with “Never Coming Home” and it combines a certain nostalgic, classic hard-rock approach with underlying funk-inspired qualities…it’s all about the simple groove here as the bass carries this track forward, coupled with Bond’s emotive vocal display…this sounds like they’ve taken parts of INCUBUS and merged them with the likes of IN SEARCH OF SUN for a truly bluesy opener; it’s a decent start. “Stepping Stones” goes for a similar approach in ways but it does utilise more consistent guitar melody, so while keeping in theme with the track previous we also get throwbacks to artists such as IDLEWILD from that early 2000’s post-indie scene; clean vocals and hooks but not afraid to throw a riff down where needed.

The opening to “Falling Backwards” has a more subdued feel with the relaxed drum-fill and the bubbly guitar tone, before it delves into this, angst-ridden blend of early emo and post-hardcore…a bold vocal display coupled with some passionate instrumentation allows for an enjoyable, emotional jaunt, before closing track “Eat Your Horse” goes all Tesco ready meal on your ass. Arguably the weakest track on offer, it’s here you notice most that it’s the band’s debut recording and production isn’t 100%, there are a few rough patches which will naturally improve with time but here you can feel the scruffy, demo-quality if you will…ultimately however for a first offering you can clearly hear that there’s promise here from the quartet. With just a bit of polishing you potentially have a solid blues-based hard rock unit in Second Self as instrumentally they’re on the right path, and the vocals will only improve with confidence and experience, once they’ve found their groove by the next record fingers crossed. Second Self? Maybe a case of first the worst, second the best as they say… [5]

When it comes to bands succeeding from day one, there are few in recent times who can honestly say they have hit the ground running as hard as FLORENCE + THE MACHINE…the London-born group fronted by Florence Welch dropped their debut “Lungs” back in 2009 and really haven’t looked back since. Multi-platinum sales, Brit Awards, Mercury Prize nominations…and that was just the debut! This form continued as both follow-up records “Ceremonials” and “How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful” each respectively gave Florence a hat-trick of Number 1 albums and the accolades kept coming…however the style was slowly but surely changing and they were in time becoming more refined…and this leads us to 2018 where Florence released album number four; “High As Hope”. Self-produced by the band themselves, let’s see how the machine is operating these days…

The album opens up with, (Or at least tries to) “June” and I say that because there’s at least a 14 second delay between the start of the track and you being able to actually hear anything, and I honestly don’t know what this aims to achieve, coming across as more of a production error rather than having any beneficial point within the song. When the song IS flowing however we get a piano led, restrained little track, gently accompanying Florence’s instantly recognisable husky, sometimes warbled vocals. It does have a slight, climactic flurry but it’s abrupt ending spoils that completely. Were the spare 14 seconds meant to be this side of the song, instead of being empty? Here it just sounds incomplete; a poor start.

Lead single “Hunger” then follows and admittedly this is much better; with a more up-beat rhythm its sounding far more positive, with encouraging lyrics and a gospel-inspired clap-along accompaniment, coupled with soulful backing gang-vocals, this is Florence as we know her and she’s so easily capable of writing songs that simply ooze with joyousness; this being one of them. This is reinforced by the track “Patricia” which again has all of the classic F+TM traits, wonderfully blending soulful pop with energetic indie…the string sections and bold chorus allowing for a dynamic listen and again it allows for an enjoyable song. Florence has always had subtle gothic tendencies mind you and here it’s showcased by the ultra-moody “Big God”…the almost haunted, deeper tempo with its sultry tones and slow-build gives the album extra character overall and is a definite highlight.

This albums primary flaw however, is in fact how stripped back it actually is…as despite only being ten tracks long, it feels a lot longer because of the level of restriction, with an almost shoegaze appraoch utilised. “Grace” whilst on paper is an appropriately titled graceful little piano ballad, it feels incredibly drawn out, and as assertive as Florence is vocally the track fails to hold attention, so too do the albums closing tracks suffer similarly, with “The End Of Love” and “No Choir” rounding things off in lacklustre fashion. Yes the point of this album was a more personal, raw recording and that does indeed resonate through Flo’s vocals throughout, her ability as a performer can’t be questioned, but taking this direction has denied us the proper banger's we all know the band are capable of…there’s no rush and excitement of “Howl”…there’s no drama and climax of “What The Water Gave Me” and there’s no feisty attitude of “Kiss With A Fist”…instead, while we have a well matured album, it’s pretty much just Florence…the machine seems to be on standby. [5]

​I’m going to share something with you right now…I love sloths. I happen to have a weakness for three-toed sloths as I find them absolutely adorable and If I could afford it I’d happily fund their conservation in Costa Rica etc…hell if it was legal in the UK I’d buy one myself and let him hang around my garden, I want a pet sloth somebody make that happen! However, while I aren’t lucky enough to get to cuddle one of these moss-covered fuzzy bastards I can in fact LISTEN to some sloths from the comfort of my own home; let me introduce you to THE SLOTHS. Formed in Los Angeles WAY back in 1964, these pioneering rockers may not have been around for long initially, but their calibre of rock ‘n’ roll has had people digging through the archives and old record collections, subsequently re-discovering The Sloths, embracing all of the nostalgia and classic charm. Very much like the animals their named after, it’s a case of better late than never I guess as slowly they’ve garnered credibility…let’s see if they can cling on over 50 years later with the vinyl re-release of “Back From The Grave”…

We open up with the track “Never Enough Girls” and immediately my mind goes in the direction of sloth ‘rape memes’ but I have to compose myself amidst images of dragons and pudding…a tinny-sounding little track, very much of its time; blues inspired rock ‘n’ roll with a slight proto-punk edge. With influences ranging from THE ROLLING STONES and CHUCK BERRY it’s very easy to see where they’re coming from, but also you can see where bands like THE RAMONES took inspiration from too. “End Of My Rope” follows up and again here we’re given more of that original blues heritage with some rich harmonica licks (Even going as far as a solo) and you can easily picture yourself sipping whiskey at a bar in Tennessee while this plays…so far so good. Speaking of solo’s we’re further treated on the tracks “Lust” which utilises an up-tempo, surfer-rock vibe allowing for a fun little piece, and also “Gotta Get Fired”, which by contrast is a slower, bass-driven, groove-heavy number which takes extra influence from the likes of THE DOORS.

The rest of the album, while subtle in its variety, does mostly retain a consistency and level of quality throughout which truth be told results in an all-around enjoyable listen…”Haunted” is thematically self-explanatory in its pained ballad approach; which somehow bridges a gap between the tenderness of ROY ORBISON and the spooky tones of THE MISFITS…”Before I Die” returns to the bands blues roots but here we’re given a slight, country / rockabilly twist, before the initial album rounds off with their most infamous track “Makin’ Love”, which during its initial release over 50 years ago was deemed too controversial for airplay on many US radio stations but is incredibly tame by today’s standards. If I’m to pick at anything really it’s the main single “One Way Out” which has a primarily spoken-word approach that reminds me of “Monster Mash” for the most part in its structure and delivery but it has a pretty weak chorus sadly. The European release does have a bonus track by the name of “I Survived” but it’s really nothing to rave about, actually the weakest sounding vocal quality on the album, sounding more like a demo than anything. Ultimately, for a band that only had an initial run of 2 years, it’s impressive to see their legacy not only living on but how much excitement a little nostalgia can provide! Granted this may be helped by the fact that original vinyl’s have gone for as much as $6000 online but that’s beside the point…whether they are back from the grave or, being the sloths they are they’ve literally just taken this long to get here, it doesn’t matter, rock ‘n’ roll never truly gets old. Roll on the year 2066 for the new album! [7]

As disappointing as it is, it’s not just day-to-day society that’s still behind in terms of equality between men and women in the work place…the world of rock and metal is still very much a male dominated genre of music and despite the best efforts of several high profile bands, it’s still dragging it’s knuckles to a degree…for example; Download festival (Arguably the most mainstream and high profile of the alternative rock and metal festivals) is yet to have a ‘female-fronted’ headline act on its main stage. Women in rock and metal just don’t seem to be getting a legitimate fair shot…but one young lady is hoping to change all of that; let me introduce you to DIAMANTE.

The Los Angeles-based singer found herself listening to the likes of AVRIL LAVIGNE and KELLY CLARKSON at a young age but through that soon discovered and developed a passion for classic rock, and artists such as JOAN JETT and PAT BETANAR. After dropping her debut single “Bite Your Kiss” back in 2014 she’s generated millions of streams on YouTube etc. and has recently dropped her debut full length album; “Coming In Hot”. Produced by Howard Benson (MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE, MOTORHEAD) he’s proclaimed himself that the 21-year-old is the rightful heir to the throne of Joan Jett; while Diamante herself intends to make a statement…incredibly bold, let’s see if she can back it up.

The album opens up with the title track and lead single “Coming In Hot” and within seconds you can hear the influence that Joan Jett has had on the young artist…from the gritty, attitude-riddled vocal delivery and the simple, old-school style of the guitars, this will easily appeal to fans of all that is classic rock. Do you remember when BRITNEY SPEARS covered (And I use that term loosely) “I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll”? Well this is better, considerably better…follow up track “Sound Of Us” for the most part is more of the same though the pre-chorus has some additional melody, while the chorus itself has gone big, bordering on anthemic. The guitar solo here too is a pretty decent effort and ultimately we’ve got a straightforward yet enjoyable track here. Recent single “Had Enough” directly addresses the issue of women’s rights by supporting the #MeToo movement…with a video inspired by “Thelma & Louise” and a production staff consisting entirely of women, it’s more of a statement than a hit single as musically again it’s relatively straight forward, but the message is more important than the track itself here really.

Elsewhere the record does have further highlights including “Kind Of Love” which combines bold melodies and soaring gang vocals over some catchy pop-rock hooks for a solid, enjoyable track…”War Cry” takes things up a notch with a deeper, darker core sound, almost rooted in industrial given the lyricism and instrumentation; the riffs are heavier and the overall tone of the track is a little more sinister, while “Fight Like A Girl” is predominantly more groove-heavy with another strong chorus. The album isn’t without it’s lesser points however; “Definitely Not In Love” is a completely cringe-worthy track driven by spoken-word verses, I’m definitely not in love with THIS one, while “Black Heart” harks back to those early Kelly Clarkson influences, negating the whole classic rock vibe of the album, before closing track “Lo Siento” is just a Spanish version of earlier track “I’m Sorry” and serves little to no point, adding nothing to the album in terms of quality…it would have served better as a B-Side. Ultimately the album as a whole is a decent selection of rock ‘n’ roll track’s and despite her young age she’s done well, channeling the genre’s heritage through to a new generation of listeners, bridging the gap between pop and rock well, but there’s nothing truly iconic or memorable about the record. Diamante here coming in lukewarm if anything, but there’s no reason to suggest she can’t turn up the temperature next time around. [6]

The beautiful island of Trinidad; the southernmost island of the Caribbean just a few miles off the coast of Venezuela…a colourful and vibrant place with a rich, diverse culture of exotic carnivals, and also the inspiration behind classic stories such as “Treasure Island”, to many it really is a tropical paradise, however, the steel-drums aren’t the only source of ‘metal’ you’ll hear whilst you sip your cocktails in Las Cuevas Bay, for even the Trinidadian’s know how to rock out; let me introduce you to HAIL THE HATTER. Having formed in 2015, the metal outfit started off when vocalist Jonathan Boos and guitarist Dax Carter decided that the world of rock music was lacking a sense of fun, and thus HTH (Now completed by drummer Nickolai Assam and bassist Aaron Lowchewtung) was born. Having recently released their debut mini-album “Discovering Light”, let’s see just how mad these hatters really are…

We open up with a little intro entitled “The Coming Of The Hatter” and frankly I hope he brought tissues…I kid…incredibly foreboding; it’s a spoken word piece foretelling the hatters arrival as an omen among the thunder and rain, bringing with him the imminent doom for the people of the island, before we get chants of “Hail The Hatter!”, likening him to the devil himself. It sets up an interesting concept and we’re a far cry from Wonderland here let me tell you. First track proper then is “Bone Grin” and aside from the incredibly random Arnold Schwarzenegger opening, we have a brief build towards some slick, blues-inspired hard rock. Initially up-tempo it channels influences such as GUNS ‘N’ ROSES which you can pick up in the tone of Boos’ vocals and definitely the solo towards the end; it’s a decent start…aside from more Schwarzenegger rounding it off…you’re NOT AUSTRIAN DEATH MACHINE…stop it.

Next up we have “God Bless The Beast” and we’re pretty quickly head-banging to some classic riffs and solid percussion; it’s quite nostalgic in sound for the most part, acting like a throwback to vintage NWOBHM acts such as SAXON and JUDAS PRIEST given it’s tone and even lyrically, you can hear them praise the likes of BLACK SABBATH, they’re definitely tipping their hat to their influences here. “White Walls” initially slows things down dramatically, reduced down to no more than a sluggish drawl with tired riffs mixed with brief guitar licks and gang vocals; so incredibly lethargic, that is until a brief up-tempo fill click-baits you into thinking the song is waking up, but alas it’s short lived. “Akasha”, given its name has a sense and feeling of both vacuity and freedom, with Carter’s guitars flowing through your conscious like they would through space and time itself, before we end proceedings then on the title track, and the longest track on offer here. After a long winding string-section leading into the track, we’re met with more vintage metal at nearly three minutes in, backed with some emotive, soaring vocals from Boos. It’s a dramatic number, especially with the delicate tones of the piano wrapping things up, ending the record on a high.

It’s an interesting listen all in all really and musically they’ve delivered, there’s ample to be enjoyed here for fans of hard rock, classic metal and maybe even a little prog too if you will.  The band wanted to incorporate a little ‘fun and menace’ into their sound and style but sadly they’ve not really delivered on the fun bit to be honest; given their name and such a statement, I was expecting something more off-kilter and essentially bonkers but sadly didn’t so much as smirk once, and coming from the West Indies, well…it’s just not cricket. [6]

As you all know by now, every year I do a round up in some way shape or form, of the annual EUROVISION SONG CONTEST. Highly regarded in the UK as an absolutely cringe-worthy cheese-fest, it's no surprise we haven't won it for years, and that's without getting into the shows regular politics let alone the utter shambolic level of fuckery we've found ourselves in under the "leadership" of Theresa May and the current Conservative government...well actually no I'll blame Cameron too, the pig-poking prick! Regardless...we enter every year and hope to not come last essentially. The 2018 final will be held on Saturday 12th May and will take place in Lisbon, Portugal, after SALVADOR SOBRAL won the Ukraine 2017 competition...here I'll be taking a quick run down of all 26 qualified acts and giving my own personal individual score / opinion ahead of the live final...in order of live performance; let's begin...

1] UKRAINE: MELOVIN - "Under The Ladder". Aged just 21, opening the Eurovision Song Contest would seem like a daunting task for many, but Melovin (Real name Kostyantyn Mykolayovych Bocharov) is perfectly at home here, as winner of season 6 of Ukraine's version of The X-Factor. The track is an up-beat, rhythmic dance-pop piece which should in all honesty kick things off really well in terms of tempo and entertainment, but on record it isn't the most convincing vocal display in places and I just hope things don't fall flat for him on the night. 3/5

2] SPAIN: AMAIA Y ALFRED - "Tu Cancion". This is a track taken from Amaia Romero's album "Sus Canciones" and is a collaboration with one Alfred Garcia...sung in Spanish, it's one of the songs this year traditionally sung in the native language as used to be part of the rules before they relaxed things, and for all intents and purposes it's a soft piano ballad with elegant string sections...a lovely song in some aspects but luckily one of the boring ones is now out of the way early. 1/5

3] SLOVENIA: LEA SIRK - "Hvala, Ne!"...NE! NE! NE! We are the knight's who say...NE! *Ahem* All jokes aside, Slovenia's answer to MO / KESHA does a decent job of bringing a modern twist to proceedings. Utilizing a blend of hip-hop production and combining electronica with soulful pop, it's got a decent beat to it overall but it never truly takes off, with the chorus sadly coming across as anti-climatic compared to the level of expectancy of the track. 2/5

4] LITHUANIA: IEVA ZASIMAUSKAITE - "When We're Old". Ironically titled by the 24 year old, and despite her youth this isn't her first Euro rodeo! Having enrolled to compete in 2013, 2014, 2016 and 2017, she FINALLY get's her opportunity to represent her country in 2018. It's an honestly lovely song, focusing on Ieva's hushed, whispered vocals over a gentle piano lullaby...it's a slow one, and one that will rely on mood and emotions conveyed on the night, but it's a wonderfully tranquil track and should score well regardless. 2/5

5] AUSTRIA: CESAR SAMPSON - "Nobody But You". Always the bridesmaid, never the bride...having performed as part of backing vocals for two previous Austrian acts, Cesar finally get's his own shot. Arguably one of the first bandwagon jumpers this year, Cesar brings a fully emotive, gospel sound to Portugal with his blend of soulful pop music, hammered home by a strong melodic chorus...if you're a fan of RAG 'N' BONE MAN then expect to be giving Austria your vote this year... 3/5

6] ESTONIA: ELINA NECHAYEVA - "La Forza". The show isn't over until the fat lady sings...well as it happens Elina is far from fat and we're less than a quarter of our way through so buckle up! A classically trained Soprano, Elina brings a touch of class and vocal quality to proceedings this year, with her powerful vocal range and dramatic, operatic elements...if you're a fan of TARJA TURUNEN for example, you may want to send your vote Elina's way! 2/5

7] NORWAY: ALEXANDER RYBAK - "That's How You Write A Song". FEED. ME. MORE! Oh...sorry...wrong Ryback I was thinking about WWE for a second...but no in all seriousness, Alexander is technically a Eurovision veteran; he WON the competition back in 2009 with a track called "Fairytale"...can the young lad with the violin become a two-time winner this weekend? This funk-driven almost 70's inspired combination of tinny guitar and violin has plenty of energy, but will it be Norway or NO WAY!? You be the judge...2/5

8] PORTUGAL: CLAUDIA PASCOAL - "O Jardim". The hometown-hero as such, Claudia represents the hosts this year taking the torch from reigning champion SALVADOR SOBRAL and will be hoping Portugal can pull off an unexpected victory to retain the Eurovision Trophy for a 2nd consecutive year. Another acoustic/piano ballad, it's got quite a slow build and is honestly quite soppy, potentially risking too many similarities to last years winning song itself...they say lightning doesn't strike twice, I guess Saturday we'll find out. 1/5

9] UNITED KINGDOM: SuRie - "Storm". Oh boy...if you could find me a more fitting song for the UK for this competition I will do sexual things for you no questions asked...not only is the song already two years old and theoretically out-dated, lyrically and thematically it pretty much sums up the state of affairs regarding Britain and the EU and the whole Brexit debacle...metaphorically of course. Musically it is a decent pop track and has it's anthemic qualities but despite any positives I can't see us doing well at all this year...3/5

10] SERBIA: SANJA ILIC & BALKANIKA - "Nova Deca". There's always an entry with utilizes traditional middle-eastern tones and this track is that entry...and seriously what a long-ass intro, taking up nearly a third of the song! It's got a generally simple beat and does pick up, leading into an ultimately pleasant, up-tempo track with subtle dance tones, but it could have benefited  having more of this, less of the intro, as it's shot itself in the camel-toe essentially. 1/5

11] GERMANY: MICHAEL SCHULTE - "You Let Me Walk Alone". Another young talent with a background in reality TV; 28 year old Michael found mild success on Germany's version of The Voice in 2012, where he came third overall, before going on to release his debut album. This year we find him contributing yet another piano ballad to this years Eurovision playlist, and as you may have guessed it's another harmonious love-song with an impassioned climatic feel...again, nice but, it may get lost in the shuffle. 2/5

12] ALBANIA: EUGENT BUSHPEPA - "Mall"...I take one look at this guys name and I swear to god all I can think of is a bush-tucker trial...but my mental issues aside, here we have the first of our demographic-pleasing alternative entries. Eugent is a renowned rock performer in his home country and has actually supported the likes of DEEP PURPLE in mainland Europe, so he's got his credentials...but what is he offering here? A mellow, country-esque traditional folk-pop type piece with an acoustic lead and impressive vocals. It sounds good, I just wish I knew what he was saying. 2/5

13] FRANCE: MADAME MONSIEUR - "Mercy". France hardly needs the bad luck of performing 13th...their results have hardly been the most impressive in recent years, but they hope to change that in 2018. The ambient, synth-pop track follows on from recent success stories such as CHRISTINA & THE QUEENS and may go down well, and though there are no direct ties to the LGBT community, the whole MRS/MR approach could appeal to gender neutral's from an activist point of view...unless that's me looking far too deeply into what is essentially an annual song contest...2/5

14] CZECH REPUBLIC: MIKOLAS JOSEF - "Lie To Me". A potential favourite here depending on the right crowd...full of swagger and groove, Mikolas utilizes the southern blues inspired jazz tones of New Orleans to great effect here, rich in funk and passion, he confidently takes this track by the scruff and simply awaits the laudits of the Lisbon crowd. The recorded version does have some swearing in it, so that'll have to be edited during the final or he may find himself getting nil poi via disqualification... 3/5

15] DENMARK: RASMUSSEN - "Higher Ground". A man of many talents; Rasmussen (Real name Jonas) originally performed in a covers band, focusing on the likes of ELTON JOHN and ABBA, before he turned his attention to acting, focusing mainly on stage productions. 2018 see's him return to singing with this entry; a combination of power-pop and traditional, Nordic heritage in subtle tones. Despite the classic key-change sequence, it does lack a little oomph and falls just short of being an awesome entry. 3/5

16] AUSTRALIA: JESSICA MAUBOY - "We Got Love"...Hang on just a second let me just get Moe Sargi...'YO JESSICA MA BOI!" There we go...that's out of the way now...but no seriously Australia in Eurovision is still a thing. Yes it was novel having them there for the big anniversary show a couple of years ago but, despite not being anywhere remotely near Europe, here they are...the song itself is a generic, light, radio-pop song which wouldn't be out of place in some, teen Disney flick...it's fine but, I really don't see the point this year. 2/5

17] FINLAND: SAARA AALTO - "Monsters"...Finland you beautiful bastard of a country...as if you didn't already supply the world with some of the finest gothic metal and rock bands to ever grace the stage, you also have pop music nailed too by the looks! Saara Aalto ticks all the boxes having dueted with ADAM LAMBERT and ANDREA BOCELLI, not to mention having done voice acting for the Finnish dub of "Frozen", she's a proven voice. Here we have a sleek, electronic-pop monster in it's own right rich in hooks and mainstream appeal and it's an absolute top tune. All of the yes from me. 5/5

18] BULGARIA: EQUINOX - "Bones". Bulgaria's entry features yet another reality TV statistic in vocalist Zhana, who won Bulgaria's X-Factor in 2013...now, 5 years later we find them representing their country in Portugal with "Bones"...the haunting vocal tones and the predominantly dark-pop vibes of the song are pleasant enough, helped by its catchy chorus, but it sounds like a watered down version of "Skeletons" by 2017 Azerbaijan entry DIHAJ to me. 2/5

19] MOLDOVA: DoReDoS - "My Lucky Day". Three is the magic number as they say, and for this trio, it's third time lucky as they finally get to represent their country after failing to secure their place in both 2015 and 2016. Doritos as I shall call them from here on in, have a fun and up-beat approach this year combining modern pop with a GOGOL BORDELLO style of Oompa / alternative. 2/5

20] SWEDEN: BENJAMIN INGROSSO - "Dance You Off". One of the youngest performers at this years final in Lisbon, Benjamin started early and appeared in several Swedish musicals as a child and is hoping his performance experience can carry him through to another Swedish victory. With his soft vocals it can be said he's another JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE inspired pop-starlet but truth be told he's not of the same caliber previous Swedish winner MANS ZELMERLOW, he lacks that spark. A harmless pop song but I'm not expecting big things. 1/5

21] HUNGARY: AWS - "Vinszlat Nyar". Ever since LORDI won it for Finland back in 2006 there's almost always a rock song or two thrown into the mix to shake things up a bit and here we have that very token rock song. AWS deliver on all fronts with a strong melody and even stronger riffs for their hard rock performance, even including that cliched key-change and it has to be said it's a solid track...it wont win but it is a banger. 4/5

22] ISRAEL: NETTA - "Toy". While it's one thing to question Australia's inclusion in what is essentially a European competition, it can be said that you have to question Israel too...although politically and economically they are at least tied to the EU so there's that....anyway I digress this is a song contest not BBC Question Time. Netta Barzilai is an outsiders bet if ever there was one! A fun and up-tempo track for the most part, combining western pop influences with middle eastern traditions...it's a decent listen, that is until the random chicken noises...seriously I don't know if it's a gimmick or an affliction. 3/5

23] THE NETHERLANDS: WAYLON - "Outlaw In Em'". Real name Willem Bijkirk, he acquired his stage name after the late Waylon Jennings as means of a tribute and is no stranger to Eurovision. As part of THE COMMON LINNETS he finished runner-up back in 2014 and hopes to go one step further 4 years later. Mixing bluegrass with southern rock swagger, fans of BLACK STONE CHERRY and the like are sure to give him the nod of approval and send a vote his way. 4/5

24] IRELAND: Ryan O'Shaughnessy - "Together". Despite a lack of luck in recent years, Ireland are still the ones to beat as they've won Eurovision a record seven times since its inception, and they hope to add another victory in Portugal this year.Another TV talent show statistic, Ryan O'Whatshisface appeared in Britain's Got Talent back in 2012, reaching the final only to finish in 5th place...will he do better here? Another sweet, acoustic/piano ballad, it doesn't truly stand out as such but he's got enough Irish charm to win the voting public over...perhaps. 2/5

25] CYPRUS: ELENI FOUREIRA - "Fuego". Apparently Eleni here is the bookies favourite and I've been scratching my head to work out how and why...with her typically modern autotune-laden pop qualities I guess she'd make quick and easy money in the charts commercially, given the success of everyone from DEMI LOVATO to DUA LIPA and the like...it's decent enough pop song for what it's worth and catchy enough but, it's nothing special per se...we'll see. 3/5

26] ITALY: ERMAL META E FABRIZIO MORO - "Non Me Avete Fatto Niente"...It takes longer to say that than they'll stay in the top 10 this year if you ask me...it's emotive enough with its almost cinematic qualities in places but songs spoken in native tongue are hit and miss and never a guarantee...it might benefit from being on last in some eyes, but to many it'll be an afterthought as the audience suffers from fatigue and burnout, and it's hardly a climatic showstopper...I can't see this doing overly well. 2/5

So...there we have it...my run down of the 2018 Eurovision final! Have you heard any of the songs yet? Are you happy with your countries entry and more important;y, who will you be voting for? Leave your comments below, but for now...it's over to Graham Norton to entertain us with his commentary.

​Ah Kentucky, I may not be an American patriot but let me just say I damn well salute you, for you not only inebriate the world with your glorious bourbon whiskeys, but you also gave to us nomgasm’s by the literal bucket-load courtesy of your heavenly fried chicken…it’s finger lickin’ good y’all! Putting tonight’s dinner plans aside for a moment, Kentucky also has a rich musical heritage. Famously coined as the bluegrass state, it not only refers to its rich pastures, but also its blue-collar musical roots, notably blue’s based southern rock, gospel and jazz, and one of its biggest exports in recent times has been BLACK STONE CHERRY. Having formed in 2001, they’ve steadily grown into one of the most popular rock acts of a generation, regularly playing arena tours to thousands around the world thanks to tours supporting legends such as LYNYRD SKYNYRD and DEF LEPPARD, plus recently ALTER BRIDGE too…2018 sees them hope to continue their run with album number six; “Family Tree”…let’s do a little digging shall we?

The album kicks off with “Bad Habit” and we’re thrust straight into Cherry’s traditional groovy southern-rock style, there are some decent licks and a strong bass-line pushing the track, but honestly the chorus feels a little weak, and the key-change leading into the guitar solo ends up sounding just a little dull and half-arsed, resulting in a less than exciting start. First single “Burnin’” follows up and again it’s heavy on the groove and it balances being gritty while having ample melodic elements quite well, helped greatly by a much better display from vocalist Chris Robertson, this is considerably better it has to be said.

“Carry Me On Down The Road” is more or less more of the same, the instrumentation is pretty solid with some enjoyable guitar work throughout but it seems to just coast along leaving you a little uninspired…likewise with “Dancin’ In The Rain”. Featuring renowned session musician Warren Haynes, it’s pretty slick with its rich blues rock tones, especially during the chorus’ main hook and although it supplies the album’s first real highlight it still lacks a certain drive. Speaking of guest appearances, “You Got The Blues” features Chris’ 5-year-old son on backing vocals which I guess is fitting for the album’s title but, other than being quaint it’s another run of the mill offering. “I Need A Woman” continues to plod along with as much urgency as a brand new barrel of bourbon, honestly it’s in no rush, never mind a woman, pro-plus and a line of coke’ he needs, show a bit of energy! The album then closes on the title track and we’re given another strong chorus to end on a slightly more positive, encouraging note, but we’re not here to paper over any cracks sadly. The band went into the studio this time round with minimal rehearsal to capture a raw, honest vibe and in doing so this collection of songs on record at least is lacking a certain sheen. If “Family Tree” had been album number one you could say for sure that seeds have been planted and it’s just a matter of time before these blues rockers blossom, but six albums in, this hasn’t worked all too well. Bar one or two moments it’s a disappointingly boring listen. [4]